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Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Love Lesson Learned

Another lesson learned today. Volunteering today at OMSI, I trained a new person for the Pompeii exhibit. She was a bit difficult, in that she gradually tried to take over the whole job we were sharing. Fortunately, I was soon offered another position and fled. The work isn’t hard and she could do it fine on her own by that time. I felt increasingly “off” the rest of the day. I left around lunch and tried to nap and meditate after I go home, but couldn’t, because I was too wrapped in anger and despair that seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn’t long before that that I noticed I had a raw throat, like I was coming down with a cold. Then I spent a couple of hours finished up a project, and then tried again to meditate. This time was more successful, but, after a while, I discovered myself seemingly “trapped” in a golden place. Well, not really gold, more amber, but you get the idea.

I wasn’t really trapped, it just felt like it. Like my body was asleep, I was awake, but I was in this amorphous place that was big and empty. I was floating in the center of this big empty, in fact, I was in a center of a spherical clearing, surrounded by patchy clouds, and behind them was an amber glow. The place had a sense of being hollow and echo-y. I felt very alone.

It was odd to be there. I’ve never had this happen before. The sense of being cut off from the outside world was very strong. I wondered why for a bit, then tried to get outside or reach outside, with only limited success. I remember seeing a patch of ocean, but it was like through a dirty window, and hard to maintain the image. I tried to imagine other places or reach people, but I only had a pale shadow of success. I sent out a distress call to a dear friend to please, please send me a message, a text, to get me out of this place. A part of my mind mocked my efforts, saying that she didn’t care anyway and all this “connection” stuff was just a sick illusion, a lie that I told myself. Fortunately a text did come, within a few minutes, and the sound help me get up.

During the meditation I had focused on my sore throat, with some success, but I couldn’t get any handle on what was going on: was I tired? Had I been talking too much over the past few days, (Volunteering usually requires a lot of talking to patrons!)? I had managed to move the pain from the back of my throat, up higher and it was much less. But, still, I felt distinctly unhappy, sad and lonely, and if that wasn’t enough, the emotions were confused and didn’t seem attached to any thoughts or things that had happened. I sent a distress text to my friend, hoping she could cheer me up a bit, but I couldn’t just sit around a wait, it was getting to dinner time and I was expecting to host a group later, so I had to get up and make something to eat. Then, I was standing over the stove, the answer occurred to me: I had picked up a “hitchhiker!” I don’t know why these things aren’t more obvious to me. Perhaps I just don’t trust my instincts enough yet, or maybe I just have so much internal “noise” that I don’t really catch external influences. Anyway, now I knew.

It took a few minutes to get his attention. Yes, “his,” it felt male and I got the name “Bill,” which was good enough for my purposes. He wasn’t very communicative, but it didn’t take more that a few minutes to get him to notice the “light” and connect with someone he knew, who then took him on. And then he was gone, and the sadness started lifting, but there was still a residue left behind.

My friend hadn’t replied yet, so I let her know, briefly, what had happened, and it wasn’t long before she did cheer me up. She has the ability to make me cry, laugh and feel loved, all with a few texts. And life was good again.

All this happened in the space of one afternoon, and it showed me a few things about myself. One, I think this is the first time I have ever reached out for help when feeling down. I have always had this unspoken idea that I’m supposed to hide unhappy feelings and “be strong” for other people, or, at least, don’t “be a bother.” I’m just supposed to hide and never expect support. This episode has shown me the personal value of relationship and mutual support.

The next thing I got was the understanding that you can’t really be much help to anyone else unless you are willing and able to accept support yourself. Until I was willing to accept support, I didn’t know how it felt or how to do it. I could say the words and go though the motions, but I didn’t know what it felt like to give or receive genuine support. And I’m sure the people I’ve tried to help over the years picked up on that. They knew my actions were hollow, with no real understanding or commitment. It has taken a willingness to be vulnerable, to expose my weaknesses and fears, deep fears, and allow them to be acknowledged, accepted, and soothed, to teach me what it feels like to be truly supported, warts and all. And now that I know what unconditional support feels like, I am better able to offer that to others.

I know this didn’t just happen, all at once, but has been a gradual thing. It’s just that today, for the first time, I saw how well it can work, when I need it. And I see, for the first time, how amazing, truly supportive relationships can be. This has been a real sys-opener for me, and I hope everyone reading this has the opportunity to get beyond the fear, and the needs to hide, manipulate or dominate others, and just get to know what it’s like to accept, and be accepted, unconditionally. There’s nothing like it!