The Finger or the Moon?

A friend of my shared this link with me to explain why she’s not ready, and my never be ready, for another relationship: Why Smart Women Attract Narcissistic Men. Good article and the author makes several good points, but there’s something very important what she didn’t mention, so here I’m putting my two cents in.

What’s missing from this article is the fundamental reason why narcissists are so successful: Too many of us never learn what love and affection really looks and feels like. Too many of our families are emotionally detached, manipulative, dysfunctional, or just plain abusive. That’s the place we’re supposed to learn this stuff, so that’s what we learn that “love” is. Culture, popular and classical, is of no help either, because, as a rule, it only focuses only on passion, and the story ends before all the real work begins. If your family doesn’t teach you honest, unconditional affection, then it’s hard to learn it later. Not impossible, but damn difficult. I speak from experience.

Because of that, we are all to ready to accept an outward sign for proof of an inward reality. As Buddhist say, we mistake the finger for the moon. It doesn’t help that we have grown up seeing endless movies and TV shows where people act convincingly like their in love, when you know, for a fact, that they are not: They’re actors! Yet we love to be deceived. As long as someone can push our emotional buttons, we are happy to believe it’s “real,” when the sad truth is that our upbringing left us vulnerable and easily manipulated. When all you’ve known in your life are cold, untrustworthy people, then a warm, trusting person feels “wrong.” You don’t know what to do around them. So you run away, either because they are too weird or boring, or your insecurities drive you.

I don’t know if I have any solutions, but I have some tips: Notice! When you are with other people, notice how couples treat each other, when they’er together and when they’re apart. When I started doing this, I was shocked at how badly people treated their partners. It didn’t matter how young or old they were or how long they were married. It wasn’t super bad, just the amount of subtle disrespect, or the way they never seemed to talk to each other, or managed to be in the same room at the same time. Think about it, does this seem normal to you?

Over time, I began to notice instances of real affection. In some cases that surprised me, for the couple hadn’t seemed all the close to me. But then I noticed little things, a touch of a hand, a solicitous comment, a small private joke, always subtle. Stuff you could easily miss, if you weren’t looking for it. You won’t find love in the grand gestures, but in the everyday. After watching, and learning, for a while, I started really thinking about what would, realistically, make me happy to have, on a day-in, day-out basis. The results were…surprising. They weren’t what I grew up with, weren’t what I initially thought they might be, will probably be different for everyone, and likely will have little to do with how things will actually be for me, when and if, I find another serious relationship.

My second tip is to take your time. I know this flies in the face of the romantic ideal, and a lot of social pressures, but there’s good reason for it. A narcissist will want to rush you into something, so making them wait a year, or more, will frustrate them into leaving or will give them time to show their true colors. Heck, just stating this intention can be enough to cause many of them to flee. This also gives you a chance to get over the initial infatuation, and be able to judge the situation more objectively. What’s really so wrong with dating for a year or two, without any commitments? I’m talking legal and financial commitments here, not that you should remain a virgin until you’re married!

Finally, be willing to walk away. All the tips and red flags in the world won’t help you if you are too emotionally invested in the narcissist’s fantasy to leave before they’ve stripped you financially and emotionally. Which is why narcissists will always be “successful,” and always have “customers.” Until we create a world where everyone has a loving, secure and safe childhood, there will always be people who are willing to risk almost anything for a fantasy of love, and people willing to supply it.

Welcome to the Fringe!

A friend of my texted me today. The message seemed angry.

We have been both reading The teachings of Don Juan, her for the first time. We both had heard a lot about it back in the 70’s, but didn’t read it at the time. I got around to it a few years ago, she decided to tackle it now and I thought I’d like to review it so we could discuss it.

After a brief test exchange, I got that it seemed that she had gotten upset about something she’d read in the book, and then had done a search on “Carlos Castaneda fraud” and, after having read some of the results, apparently concluded that she’d been taken in and was upset about that. I let the matter drop.

My first reaction to her messages was to smile, “Welcome to the Fringe!” I thought. Apparently she isn’t aware of how nasty things can get when the “skeptics” and “debunkers” come out to play. Fake news wasn’t invented in 2016 or with the internet. Hit pieces, hatchet jobs, misrepresentation, slander, yellow journalism, all have all been around for as long as there has been printing, and any controversial person is going to have nasty stuff said about them. That was just as true in the 70’s as it is now. Castaneda was an extremely controversial figure, advocating the use of hallucinogens for enlightenment, promoting a pagan spirituality, and having the hutzpah to imply that the experiences gained by these techniques might not be just not dreams or delusions. Of course the Moral Majority, the anti-drug people, the scientific and medical communities, and, especially the Christians, were all over this, wanting to discredit it in every way possible.

Nobody is immune to this, no matter what your credentials are. Here’s a case where a full professor, who is also a Nobel Laureate in Physics, was disinvited from a conference for having an interest in the paranormal. If this can happen to someone of his stature, just imagine what might happen to a lowly MA, especially one with a foreign heritage!

My point isn’t that Castaneda is right, or wrong, a fraud, a True Believer, or a fool, but you need to have a thick skin to be involved in fringe topics like the paranormal, UFOs, and alternative spirituality. Everybody in this field has been, and continues to be smeared by elements that want them to shut up and go away, so you can’t just go with what the mainstream says. You need to read their material and make your own judgments.

Everyone I know in this field has gone through this, myself included. You first discover some topic, UFOs, ghosts & haunting, the paranormal, ancient aliens, whatever, and you’re really excited. You read all you can find about it, talk about it to your friends, and then something happens. Your friends start to diss it, or you begin to realize that some of the people you follow are just publishing crap to make money, and you feel embarrassed and ashamed to have been taken in. Next, you either blow off the whole field, or you eventually get over it, and learn to be more discerning. Read and listen carefully, stop taking everything at face value. Decide for yourself what resonates, or makes sense to you. Don’t let other people’s opinions sway you, one way or the other. This is a field with lots of strong opinions, on all sides, you have to make up your own mind. That doesn’t mean you can’t change you mind, when new evidence comes around, just don’t expect to ever see a consensus on these topics anytime soon.

In my own readings, I have found big chunks of pure fantasy, spiritual truths, myths that includes lessons and truths, and some stuff that is hard to classify, but it feels like there is some truth there, however buried it may be under the encrustations of years and of successive cultures that have interpreted and re-interpreted the ideas through their own cultural lenses. Sometimes all of this is the same book. That said, I have no problem dropping a book, or an author, if I find nothing of value there.

It’s a bit of a trope, but it’s still true, none the less: Everyone has their own spiritual truth, and we have to find it ourselves. Unfortunately, far too many of us allow our family, friends, church, or culture, tell us what what our truth should be. That is so sad because it creates so much of the unhappiness, discontent and anger we see around us. When you let others define what you can read, think and believe, you live in constant fear of getting caught reading of thinking the wrong thing. Give that up and you’ll be a whole lot happier. The thing is, you’re going to think and believe what you want anyway, you can’t help it! If you just admit it, then life becomes so much easier. Sure, some people won’t agree with you, but that’s going to happen regardless, so why not be true to yourself, first?

Power and Control

A little while ago, someone remarked that she’d never understood the phase “Holding space” for someone, everybody used it, but no one explained it. Another agreed, and added that “Stepping into,” as in “Stepping into your power,” left her blank as well. I get it, nobody explains this new age-y speak, you’re just supposed to get it, get with the program, don’t ask lame questions! <ironic emoji> (Not so “new” any more, since it dates from the late 70’s!) I think I’m as qualified as anyone to explain, considering that I’ve spent a few decades wallowing fairly deeply in this new age-y, self-help, world.

Let’s start with “holding space:” You hold space for someone by believing in them, supporting them, and expecting them to accomplish some specific task. But it does not include pushing or driving them in any way.

I believe in you, is a bit passive and abstract, while I’m holding space for you, can be very visual, active, and real. Imagine saving a chair for someone at dinner, or at a concert. You’re holding a place for them, and you’re expecting them to be there, sooner or later. In a general sense, you hold space for someone when you expect them to do something so strongly that, as far as you are concerned, it has already happened, and you’re just waiting for them to arrive at that conclusion themselves. The chair is already there, you just need to come and sit in it.

Creating from the future. Some people believe that the best way to finish a difficult task is to assume that you have already done it, and now, all you have to do is figure out what you did. Authors say that the book is already written, athletes say the game is already won, and scientists say the discovery has been made. For people who are struggling, holding space for them places their goal within reach, gives them encouragement and expectation, without nagging or pushing, and they can move at their own speed. When done right, holding space creates an attraction to the goal, and a sense of welcome when you reach it.

“Stepping into” is fully embracing a characteristic of your choosing. When you step into, you take on, or assume, whatever role or way of being you’re talking about. For instance, when you step into your power, you are assuming that your personal power exists, and you just need to put it on, like a set of clothes. Superheroes are all over this. Superman, Batman, Ironman all put on their special suit to go fight crime.

We all play different roles in our life, child, parent, student, worker, boss, commuter, driver. Many of these roles are chosen for us, being a child, for instance, and others we choose. But there are the roles we only grudgingly accept, or actively resist, and those we with we had. With the idea of stepping into, we can learn to embrace roles we currently resent, but cannot change, but we can also create new, more fulfilling, ones. And, once we get that, we can always step in, or out of, any role, whenever we wish, gaining control over our lives.

As always, feel free to comment and question. I am absolutely a work in progress.

I'm back: Belief Space!

Hello again! I haven’t posted in a long time because I have been getting my life in order. Before you ask, no, I’m not done. But I have moved into a new phase, and I’m now moved to start getting back into the world!

I’ve set up a new web site!  It definitely was time: The site was getting pretty long in the tooth, and was just a stopgap, anyway. Another reason is that I’ve significantly changed my outlook, understanding and methods, so that the old site no longer resonated with me. My views and techniques have really evolved over the past couple of years, so a new look and message was definitely in order. Have a look!

There is so much to cover! I don’t have room for it all here, but I will probably touch on aspects of what I’ve learned over the next several months. Today, I’m looking at something that happened recently, seemingly because of a presentation I’m writing for the local MUFON chapter, but I suspect the shift has been going for a while and this is just part of the process!

Anyway, the trouble started when I actually sat down and started writing the presentation. I realized, after babbling on for a couple of pages, that I didn’t really know what it was I wanted to say, because I was too afraid to take a stand on anything controversial.

I had started out with the idea of exploring the how past life regressions can be used for healing. But that quickly moved to UFOs and abductions, as they occur in regressions, which still didn’t feel right. Long story short, I’m now zeroing in on UFOs and what they tell us about the nature of reality. I’ll have to keep you in suspense because it’s not finished yet, though I’m getting there!

But that’s not what I’m going to talk about here. Over the past couple of months have experienced an increasing amount of pain in my back, upper and lower jaws, ankles, legs, kinda all over. It’s not chronic, persistent pain, as a rule, but it feels like stiffness from overuse. I have taken on some new activities, but nothing that would explain what’s going on. I constantly have the feeling, especially in my upper back and shoulders, of being compressed or confined, and I’m constantly stretching and twisting, trying to loosen it up, but nothing works.

I went to a Reiki circle recently, and the leader started the evening with a guided meditation. I’m now going to make a scandalous confession: In the 11 years that I have been involved in Reiki, I have never felt anything. I constantly hear about wonderful the energy feels, and how useful the energy is for everyone else, but I have never felt anything of any kind. I’ve never been 100% sure if that’s a failing on my part, or everyone else is fooling themselves.

Well, during the meditation, I confronted this conundrum and noticed that I didn’t want to believe that any kind of spiritual healing works. I had a vision that, inside myself, there is this…I don’t know, call it a “container.” I remember struggling to come up with a word to describe it, but I failed. (“Container” isn’t right, but it’s all that I got, so I’m going with it.) The “container” appeared dirty white, and it represented the boundaries and limitations I have put around my spiritual, intuitive and paranormal abilities. “Thus far and not further,” I had decided what was possible for myself, and what was not and I kept those boundaries firmly in place. But the container is struggling and straining, the abilities want out! I then realized that my physical discomfort really felt like I was a lobster who had outgrown its shell. The shell was starting to come apart, but it hurt! Physically and emotionally.

I would like to say that I have burst the container and my abilities are now in full flower, but, not so much. The container is one of belief and fear, designed to keep me safe, and it won’t be easy to let go of that. However, now I know, so I can work on it.

In the study, METAPHYSICS OF THE TEA CEREMONY: A RANDOMIZED TRIAL INVESTIGATING THE ROLES OF INTENTION AND BELIEF ON MOOD WHILE DRINKING TEA, Dean Radin and Yung-Jong Shiah demonstrate that belief is a very important component in achieving any spiritual, parapsychologal, effect.

I learned, early on in my life, to not trust anything or anyone. I have survived by accepting everything and everyone only provisionally, and then testing for myself whether the thing or person is solid and trustworthy. This has served me well in computer science, giving me a good understanding of how things work, which is invaluable when it comes time to extrapolate what might be possible in designing new systems. Unfortunately, I am beginning to understand that it falls apart completely when it comes to the paranormal. There, belief is a necessary precondition. You must believe a spell, for example, can work before it will work. Totally opposite of the normal, scientific, approach of being skeptical until there’s enough evidence. This implies a whole new paradigm for scientific discovery and validation.

I clearly have very specific beliefs about what is true and possible for me, around the paranormal. Despite everything I have seen around me, and have experienced personally, I still have it all in the “provisional” box. I’m just too afraid to believe everything I hear. I want some way to distinguish the “real” from the truly delusional, for I believe that distinction still exists. I don’t know how to do that yet, but I’ll keep working on it. In the meantime, I’ll be using meditation and other techniques to deconstruct my beliefs around magic and the paranormal and see where that leads me.

As always, feel free to comment and question. I am absolutely a work in progress.

Take care,

Rodney Whitehouse