I has an argument with my daughter yesterday. Well, argument is too strong, we don't argue any more. We haven't for years. It's more like I do something that upsets her and she flies off the handle. I generally say nothing and wait for her to get over it, even though it sits in the back of my mind and annoys me for days. This time, I was leaving anyway so I kept on going. The pattern is familiar, almost boring.
Something different happened this time. After a quick flash of anger and about a hour of going over it in my mind, how she could have handled it better, why can't she just grow up, I suddenly had a flash of sadness. It was there and gone, just as fast, almost without a ripple. And all the stuff that normally gets stuck out in my head, is, somehow, just set aside.
Hey, I'm all "enlightened," right? Been working on myself for years, I meditate and process, I should be able to handle this stuff by now right? Nope. Usually it messes with my sleep and bugs me for days afterward. But not this time.
The weird thing is that the sadness just sort of snuck in, real sneaky like, about the time began to notice and acknowledge the ways that I had contributed to the blowup. It took some time to find and process the deep sadness and afterward found I was left with a pervasive despair. Despair at how the cycle just repeats, stimulus, response, she says, I say, and the circle goes round. But this time I seem to be on the outside of it and the emotional charge that usually keeps it stuck in my head is gone. Funny. Now I can talk to her without all the baggage which usually makes things weird.
At this point I'm guessing that I've reached another milestone of come kind. Time will tell what it turns out to be.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
If You Aint Failing, You Aint Learn'n
Last night I tried my first QHHT session with my daughter. On the face, it was a complete failure. I couldn't get her relax even a little and nothing worked. I suspected family would be hard, and they I got on the QHHT help forums and found out the family members can be the absolute worst. A man is never a prophet in his home town, yes?
But afterwords we talked. We talked for about two to three hours about the course, it's purpose, metaphysics, and a lot about how we both deal with stress, problems, and growing up. (She's 24) And I learned she didn't interpret the instructions the same way everyone else I've ever talked to has. And she felt that it was her fault. I reassured her that it wasn't her fault, I really need more practice.
The QHHT course includes scripts to get you started, and there is some pressure on us practitioners to perform "pure" QHHT. While I absolutely understand the reasons while purity is important, there has to be flexibility for people of different backgrounds who see things differently, and different capabilities who can't perform the visualizations required by the official script. Especially, I think, for young people of the video game generation who may find gaming works more compelling than reality. When I was a teenager, even in to my twenties, visualizing my favorite, most peaceful place, would have taken me to a scene out of some novel, not a real, or even an idealized real place.
At one point, I asked her to picture herself floating up to a cloud, but she couldn't do it. She just can't picture herself floating. So it's clear to me that I have to rewrite the official scripts into something that uses images and actions she can relate to, while preserving the intent and serving the same purpose as the original.
She is open and curious to try again, so we will. I'll try some different ideas and see what happens. You try, you fail, you try again, and you learn.
But afterwords we talked. We talked for about two to three hours about the course, it's purpose, metaphysics, and a lot about how we both deal with stress, problems, and growing up. (She's 24) And I learned she didn't interpret the instructions the same way everyone else I've ever talked to has. And she felt that it was her fault. I reassured her that it wasn't her fault, I really need more practice.
The QHHT course includes scripts to get you started, and there is some pressure on us practitioners to perform "pure" QHHT. While I absolutely understand the reasons while purity is important, there has to be flexibility for people of different backgrounds who see things differently, and different capabilities who can't perform the visualizations required by the official script. Especially, I think, for young people of the video game generation who may find gaming works more compelling than reality. When I was a teenager, even in to my twenties, visualizing my favorite, most peaceful place, would have taken me to a scene out of some novel, not a real, or even an idealized real place.
At one point, I asked her to picture herself floating up to a cloud, but she couldn't do it. She just can't picture herself floating. So it's clear to me that I have to rewrite the official scripts into something that uses images and actions she can relate to, while preserving the intent and serving the same purpose as the original.
She is open and curious to try again, so we will. I'll try some different ideas and see what happens. You try, you fail, you try again, and you learn.
Quantum Healing
Yesterday I finished my class in Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy created by Dolores Cannon, (http://www.dolorescannon.com/). This is what finally got me off the divot and now I'm actually creating something. Well, the truth is that I am to the point where I simply have to do something, the idea of going back and spending more years writing code, well, let's say that it just does not still well with me.
Over the past four years I have been slowly drifting back into the world of musical theater and choirs and rekindling my psychic phenomena and alternative healing. I was heavily into music and community theater in collage, dropping out two classes shy of my bachelors in music because I was certain that I could never make any money at it, 'cause "I wasn't good enough."
There was a certain amount of truth in that. At the time I approached music and art as an escape and way of being not. Not like my father or brothers. My father was an engineer and though I have considerable talents in that area, I wanted nothing to do with it. So, while I also have some musical talent, I was obsessive about being right, being correct and I had too much ego involved and such a huge fear of failure that I simply couldn't trust myself to produce a performance that people liked to see.
Long story short: I worked as a software engineer for twenty years and raised a couple of daughter and eventually came to the conclusion that Science, (capital 'S') had really missed the boat in regards to psychic phenomena and alternative healing. Science has dug in it's collective heels and, in some ways, can be just as oppressive and dogmatic as any religion in insisting that some "facts" Shall Not Be Questioned. No matter how much evidence is staring them in the face. So I question.
Which brings me back to the present. Now I approach music and performance in general, even rehearsals and an opportunity to learn something. That probably sounds somewhat cliche, but I find it endlessly interesting to watch other people work and see how they do what they do. There's a lot more to singing and acting than I ever realized before. Which turns the fun factor way up and the fear factor way down.
Over the past four years I have been slowly drifting back into the world of musical theater and choirs and rekindling my psychic phenomena and alternative healing. I was heavily into music and community theater in collage, dropping out two classes shy of my bachelors in music because I was certain that I could never make any money at it, 'cause "I wasn't good enough."
There was a certain amount of truth in that. At the time I approached music and art as an escape and way of being not. Not like my father or brothers. My father was an engineer and though I have considerable talents in that area, I wanted nothing to do with it. So, while I also have some musical talent, I was obsessive about being right, being correct and I had too much ego involved and such a huge fear of failure that I simply couldn't trust myself to produce a performance that people liked to see.
Long story short: I worked as a software engineer for twenty years and raised a couple of daughter and eventually came to the conclusion that Science, (capital 'S') had really missed the boat in regards to psychic phenomena and alternative healing. Science has dug in it's collective heels and, in some ways, can be just as oppressive and dogmatic as any religion in insisting that some "facts" Shall Not Be Questioned. No matter how much evidence is staring them in the face. So I question.
Which brings me back to the present. Now I approach music and performance in general, even rehearsals and an opportunity to learn something. That probably sounds somewhat cliche, but I find it endlessly interesting to watch other people work and see how they do what they do. There's a lot more to singing and acting than I ever realized before. Which turns the fun factor way up and the fear factor way down.
While I am certified in Reiki, ThetaHealing (www.dnathetahealing.com) and a handful of other healing modalities, I never got "out there" and set up a practice because I feel that, despite my successes, I'm not intuitive enough to make them work effectively. But QHHT is right up my ally, it doesn't require channeling energy or sensing anything, it just takes proven hypnotic techniques to a new level. Yes!
The Game's Afoot!
Stumbling, bumbling, wandering, and slowly inching my way from dissatisfaction, frustration and anger to a measure of inner piece and a sense of purpose. This is how I see my path from an abused youngest child of an alcoholic mother and distant father to the present day. My journey is not yet over, today I seem to be a a cusp, a tipping point. Actually I've probably already past the tipping point and my live is slowly but inexorably twisting into a new direction.
After over twenty years, my work in high tech has ground to a halt. It's now very clear to me that my life is heading in a different direction, whether I like it or not. I'm still hoping to strike a bargain with my soul, my "guides," if you will, to allow me a few more years of regular work while I get my spiritual practice off the ground. I don't know if they're going to buy it, but a man's gotta try. It sure would be nice to have some income for a year or two while I get my spiritual house in order. They can rightfully say that they have given me ample time and warnings already, but I just took the slowdown just as a call to find another job. Same o, same o.
Now it seems absolutely clear that change is in the wind, the game's afoot, and I will either lead, follow or get dragged behind in the dust. Ready or not, here I go.
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