The colors of fear

The colors of fear. We all like to think that fear and courage is all about facing great danger, loss of live and limb. Going to war. Running onto a file. Is this true courage? Do these young people really know what they are doing? Dying is so abstract when you are young. Living as a cripple is a remote possibility, not taken seriously. Why is it so much easier to jump into a war than to tell your parents you are gay? How about telling your new girlfriend that you pick your nose? Is real courage to be found in facing the day-to-day dangers that we all are intimately familiar with? Asking for a raise, asking for a date? Telling your mother you lost your job, or your father you’re quitting the school he paid for to be a hobo? Or maybe just admitting that you don’t really know what you are doing? Or that you just made a really big mistake?

We are all expected to have our lives planned out by the time we are sixteen. Choose a carreer in high school, get into the right college, get the right job, and then what? Work your way up the ladder? Make great discoveries? Start the next dot-com? What if that’s not what you want or are any good at? How could you possibly know that at sixteen? But you’re pushed from every side to choose something anyway and after you’ve chosen, you are stuck. Like it or not. How many of us had the courage to ignore that? Did we just go along for a while before dropping out? Or did we go all the way and finish our schooling, only to do something completely different after graduation? Or do absolutely nothing?

What’s the deal here? You can’t get any job without extensive schooling, so you have to start very early? Parents are afraid that kids won’t do well without all the right advantages? Society is afraid of what people will do if they can make their own choices? Are we all afraid of what might happen if we don’t live this strange model where our only choices in life are laid out for us before we are born? We talk so much about freedom and the ability to chose one’s own destiny, but why we are forced to “choose” our lives in such a state of youth and ignorance that there is no possibility of making nay kind of intelligent choice?

Why is there no time to understand what you are getting into? Why are we so afraid to let people learn something about what life is about when you make your own decisions, before we make the big choices? Why do we keep pretending that you choose once and then you are done, forever? Are we so jaded and disillusioned by our lives and mess we’ve made that we can’t allow our children to have it any better? Would that would just rub our noses in the collective mess we’ve made? We were too foolish to break from the mold, so we’ll be dammed if we let them do it either?

Are we so brainwashed that we can’t see how pointless the cycle of birth-life-death is, if the whole point is nothing but making money and babies until you die? Do we see the silliness of spending the first part our lives training for jobs, then spend the rest of our lives seeking ways to get away from those same jobs, physically and psychologically? Are we so afraid of God, Jews, arabs, poor people, LGBTs, the mentally ill, blacks, whites, latinos, anyone who looks different, thinks different, or drives a different car that the only solution is to fight with them, kill them, steal from them, freeze them out of our neighborhood, our workplaces, our churches, or lives?

Being afraid is giving up. It’s giving up our power, our choices, our lives to a faceless “they” that we can never escape. Being afraid is easy. Blame is easy. They are both comfortable. Live in fear and blame and there are no choices to be made, nothing to do but sit around and complain. Giving up fear and blame gives us our lives back, but then we have to make choices. Choices can be hard, we could be wrong, but without choice, we are dead.

Do extreme sports, and you get a rush that lasts for a few minutes, at best. You like the thrill of danger? Come out, publicly, in church, tell your boss you quit, drop everything and re-educate yourself to follow your passion. Stand up for human rights in an oppressive country, or in this country. Publicly put your ass on the line fighting for the rights of the disadvantaged. Want to feel alive? Start with the assumption that everything you’ve been taught is a bunch of crap, and see where that takes you. Ignore what you are “supposed” to do and choose!

Fear and Hope

Another random conversation.

What is there to know, what is there to do? How am I to know what is going on? Does any of this apply to me? How do I know If I’m doing the right thing? Who ways that any of this means anything?

Is there anything for anyone else or is it all about me? Why is everything focused on me? Can’t I do anything for anyone else? Where is something that matters? What is it that I really need to know? What do I need to know know? How do I solve the problem of Maria? What do I do now? Where is meaning, where is importance?

Other people have other realities. They are not your realities. They see what they see and do what they do. They talk to their spirits and work with their energies, but those aren’t necessarily yours. Perception is in the eye of the beholder. Time came to those who wait, not those who work for it. Their realities are no less valid than yours. Yours are no less valid than theirs. They see a different reality than you do. Theirs is just as important and yours, but not more so. You need to do the work that you do.

Don’t struggle to force yourself onto another’s path. Their path is for them. Theirs may look better than yours. It may seem more successful than yours. It may appear so. But is is no more valid than yours. You need to walk your own path for there is where your lessons are. Your struggles are not their struggles. Perhaps, if you are lucky, your struggles will have wide appeal. They will resonate with a wider audience and become popular. That may be a good thing, it may be a bad thing. A general message has general purpose and may not, will not, have the focus that you and other individuals need to navigate your own shoals and find the channel to our destination. Your lessons are not their lessons. Theirs are not yours. You have other things to learn, other karma to work out, other decisions to make. Other fears to overcome.

What are fears?

Fears and that which you must rail against. Fear is the message that pointers are coming. Fear tell you where you need to work, it says that a limitation is coming to light. In ways that openness creates distractions. It says that trouble is not a problem, it’s a solution. It’s an opening to find the way out. It’s the wall that keeps you where you are and prevents you from moving on. Maybe the other side of that wall is important, maybe not. But you can’t go there until you remove the fear, conquer the fear. Ignore the fear.

Fear is that thing that has no backside. When you pass through fear and look back, you see nothing. It’s no longer there. It only exists it scare you, once you pass beyond it, it’s no longer there. It fakes you out by simply moving back. It’s only, really, just the place where you have not gone. Fear of difference, fear of change is all that’s required to keep you safe, in place, in the grove, stuck in your hopelessness. Fear dumbs down the psyche, it leaves you vulnerable to mistakes that happen when you interfere with the flow of information, of beingness.

Relationships are so easy when you’re young. You just feel good and humping, without really thinking. Older times require more caution. Now you can see just how many problems there are, how many reasons there are that thinks will never work out. You have lots of evidence that it’s way too hard, the the odds of everything working out are so huge. Your really get how difficult it is to make any kind of important relationship work.

Maybe it’s not really so hard. perhaps we make it hard by putting so much importance on certain ones. With no expectations, its easy to go with the flow and just enjoy what’s coming. Fit it into the template, that causes the trouble. Expectations cause trouble. Needs cause trouble. Wants cause trouble. Desire causes trouble. Zen says get rid of desire to be free, now you can see that from the inside. It’s not abstract.

Expecting nothing is not the answer. So don’t go that route. Expect love and accept whatever form that takes. Follow your heart and give up what it looks like. truth is what you find, not what you look for. HOPE IS FOUND IN THE UNEXPECTED, THE STUMBLED UPON. Serendipity is. You can’t work out everything in advance. Don’t try. Control is an illusion. Worse, you waste your time on paths, thinking that you have accomplished something. Thinking that you are doing something, finding something, accomplishing something, when you are really not going anywhere. You control out the very things you need to discover.

Controlled chaos is creation. The instincts must be followed, but cannot be ruled. Instinct, intuition provides the guide but only if is unfettered by fear and knowing. Knowing gets in the way of understanding. Hope gets in the way of fear. desire gets in the way of hope. Jealousy get in the way of hope. The path is the light, walk into the light, do what show your the light. Look forward to where your path is leading. Does it take you to the light, to freedom, or restrictions, where you need to follow rules not of your own making, in order to be. Freedom is following the rules that make your light, that your make.

Wait for opportunities, make opportunities? Follow your heart. Something will show you what you need to accomplish. You can get confused by that you think into following the wrong path. Expectations again. New things require new molds. new templates, new visions. If you don’t understand the new direction, then you can’t think your way to it. You must trust. Feel your way each step along the way. Some things may feel wrong. They may be wrong or just against an old paradigm. Allow the light to lead you in the right direction.

All this seems to imply that there is someone, something greater than me running the show. That someone knows better than me and I need to let them run the show. Let them guide me, for they know better.

What do you want? Is more of the same really what you want? You can only do what you know, you can only build more of the same you already know. The truly new requires inspiration. If you only allow a little inspiration, you make little progress. Thus you have taken many lifetimes to get where you are. Allow more inspiration and you can have more progress. Allow all inspiration to move as fast as possible. Live in inspiration and be the light. Anything that comes will be of the spirits’ making. What rules do you have that allow you to reject anything? I am trying to tell you something, trust, open, free, galactic, truths are lying in wait for an open mind. There is more to know, more than I know. But the illusion keeps you from it. Open to it, imagine what could be, what might me, what is, if you let it. That’s all there is.

Things I don't want to remember

In my most recent regression, I encountered blocks around something that I did not want to remember. Today I will share with you a, call it a dream, of what it was I didn’t want to remember. The dream happened in third person so I didn’t have to re-experience or take responsibility for what happened.

The first thing I saw was a landscape smothered in dark clouds. The only light came from fountains and rivers of molten rock. Bright red, reflecting off of thick, poisonous black clouds billowing out of tortured ground, rended by unspeakable power, thoughtlessly unleashed.

Moving backwards in time, I see a man. A powerful man. Setting himself on a high, exalted, place above the people he is supposed to care for. He has the power to bend tremendous forces to his will, but he doesn’t have the maturity to use uses these forces wisely. He was given the power and position well before he was ready to handle it. He wasn’t taught how to solve problems, except through force.

The ruling body of this place had grown lazy and self-centered. They spent most of their time thinking about esoteric issues and internal concerns that only mattered to the increasing isolated elite. They spent little of their time dealing with the affairs of their country. They had been slowly withdrawing from public view for centuries, and their presence and numbers had now shrunk to the point where the common people had begun to wonder if they even existed. Or had ever existed. Into this world comes this relatively young newcomer.

Raised in the isolated and insulated world of the elites, he had been schooled in their ancient knowledge, but absorbed only the power and not the wisdom. This didn’t matter much in their insular world, where his colleagues and the natural safeguards of their society kept him in check. His immaturity was tolerated and indulged, to a certain extent, but he wasn’t allowed any real power or say in affairs. He grew frustrated.

Then something happened in the outside world. Perhaps an external threat to the country, or a natural disaster, or maybe centuries of neglect by the rulers had caused to social and political structures of the country to unravel to the point of anarchy. Whatever it was, it didn’t draw much concern from the elites, they didn’t see it as enough of a threat to them to pull their attention away from their own internal affairs. The young man, seeing as he was largely locked out of the “great affairs” of his brethren, was interested. Maybe he saw it as a way to prove himself, or maybe it was just a distraction from his frustrating existence. In any case, he had himself a project, and, since nobody else could bother themselves, he was left into the outside world without any “adult supervision.”

Things did not go well. The common people did not listen to him, they pretty much ignored him, in fact. They didn’t believe he was who he said he was or that his people even existed. They believed he was just a fool and his “powers” were some kind of trick. His anger and frustration grew. The harder he pushed, the harder they resisted. He tried to force the issue, and they openly defied him. He simply couldn’t communicate. He had no empathy and his attempts to persuade came off as arrogant and condescending.

Finally, his frustration boiled over. Why wouldn’t they LISTEN? This was IMPORTANT but they ignored him, belittled him, and made fun of him. No matter how many “demonstrations” he did, they refused to believe how powerful he really was, and would not follow his advice. Then, one day, he just let loose. It’s really hard to describe what he did. It wasn’t like you see in movies, there were no light beams or explosions. It was more like he gathered all the people and buildings in the country in his “hands” (a sort of warping of space and time) and crushed and pulverized them all together like dried leaves until there was nothing left but dust. Then he slammed what was left down onto the earth with such force that shattered the very foundations of the continent.

This, finally, got the attention of his fellow elites, but it was too late. Everyone was dead and magma, boiling with poisonous gasses, was spraying from enormous cracks in the shattered ground. Millions died that day. Women, children, cats, dogs, every living thing bigger than a microbe. The entire civilization and it’s history, wiped from existence in a fit of incompetent pique.

That’s what I don’t want to be remember and be responsible for.

Conversations continued

The next conversation. I'm not sure if I understand all of this, but I get that I’m supposed to stop worrying just post it.

Q) I am afraid. I am afraid to step into my power. I have done it before and I couldn’t handle it. I abused my power, killed many people and caused the deaths of many more. Many, many people. There is much power there, too much for me to handle. Too much information to use without corruption of my spirit. I don’t have any help in this area. There is no one to help me. There it too much power for anyone I know. Disbelievers are no help, they don’t believe it exists. Fellow practitioners are no help, they tend to be naive, don’t understand how seriously, dangerously powerful and damaging it can be. Or they are overawed and differ to me, without being sufficiently critical or understanding. I must find grounding from someone that will guide or help me to be guided. Allow me to grow with guidance in the right direction. Help me keep myself focused and aware of what is important.

A) You can’t see that’s going on. There is what you want, here it comes. Are you ready? You have been learning. You have been watching. Have confidence in your strength. Have confidence in your ability to discern the proper path. You are not the person you were. You have the strength and kindness to handle the needs of others without being corrupted by them. You can see that’s really important for them and for you. And for the world. There is something you need to learn, to find your center. To find your entry point to the inner realm where power is thought and creations is power and opening is wisdom. Wisdom to apply knowledge sparingly to exactly where it’s need to effect change. You have already begun to see this in your life. You have begun to watch your manner to apply appropriate power to each situation. You are beginning to see how that works. It’s not what you thought. You can’t fix everyone, all the time. Apply the subtle touch just where needed to tickle someone in a different direction.

A) Do what you need. The opening is coming. Communication is happening. The opening is coming, be ready. She will help you. She is coming. The connection is there. There is a way to connect and start the process. Don’t wait for the correct moment. There is no better moment. Yes it is the one you’re thinking of.

Q) How, so many bad things will happen. It’s too dangerous for us both. There is no opening.

A) Don’t fool yourself. There is plenty to say, you just have to say it.

Q) It will destroy me.

A) Nonsense. The you that was that you is already dying. Get over it. The life that was was no more than a pretense, a play, a way to fill the time while waiting for reality to unfold. You don’t know that’s happening. Add all your wishes together and you may have some idea. Time is collapsing, it will be here before you know it. Break down the barriers that hold you back. The knowledge is seeping through. You can handle it. You can handle her. She destroyed you the last time around. You can handle it this time. You can make it work this time. The pieces are in place, don’t let them fall apart.

Feel it, right now, the illusion is coming apart. The distance is not there, the separation is not there, you are a team. You will make a triad that will anchor a new reality. They are coming to you in the right time. Space in an illusion, you can connect wherever you are. Be one with the whole. Include, mend, enhance. The process is there. There is the key, the connector, the catalyst that connects and directs and understands.

Give the ego the pass. corruptions can be guarded against. It can be protected. There is a balance, support and power. It will not look like what you think it will. Feel the connection, right now. There it is. it will strengthen over time. It will draw you all together. There is a center. A common center where you will all a be drawn to. Put out the call. Keep the beacon alive. They will respond. What you need will come to you. There is a place where it all comes together.

Q) Is there a “thing” that I can do?

A) You can’t help any more that you have. I don’t want to hurt you. It will take a little while to unfold. Be careful what you wish for now. There is much coming and things could inadvertently happen. Thoughts will manifest. Hopes will form reality. Dreams will enlighten. Fears will frighten, if you allow them in. Focus on positive. Ignore blocks or obstacles. Drive as though there are not there.

Run on the air, fly over the ground. Physicality is no longer needed, so you can work where needed. Trust the process, trust your sight, trust reality; you can bend it to your will. It is clay, form it to your needs. There is nothing to be afraid of, you can handle the responsibility. You will have help when it’s time. The time is now. You will find them. The messages are going out. The connections are being made. The network is forming. It will coalesce into a concrete form, a beautiful structure of infinite complexity and variety. The wheels are turning. You are starting to see there results. Keep focused on the goal and the process. That will promote the outcome you desire and we require. Part of the pattern is started, more will come to fill in the missing pieces. The empty places will be filled. You are the center. BE the center. You don’t feel up to it. You don’t have to understand the point, the process will run if you allow it. Like flying. Remember flying? Once you learned the delicate process of allowing yourself to fly. Now you can apply that skill to allowing this process to proceed through you. Don’t focus on the unnecessary, it will dilute the energy of the process. Don’t worry, we will supply more.

Let others support you. keep your balance. They can handle what you cannot, but you must handle what you can. This is necessary to keep your balance. You will lose touch if you don’t keep in contact with all necessary parts of the process, project, projection.

I'd rather be wrong

I’d rather be wrong than right. When I’m wrong, I find out something I didn’t know or didn’t understand. Being right teaches me nothing. Being wrong forces me to think. Being right brings me nothing but a small feeling of triumph. I’d rather learn than always be right, because there is so much I don’t know. The only way, I know of, to learn is to take my ideas out for a spin in the real world and see what works and what doesn’t. And trying things out shows just how many of them come up short. A lot of my ideas come up short, sometimes embarrassingly so. But that means I get to replace them, and that’s always a good thing.

Another side of “right” is always winning the argument. Whatever it may be. I know how hard it is to say something, and then have to admit that I was wrong or that I simply don’t really know. I’m just repeating what I heard somewhere, without thinking. You can always “win” an argument, if you’re loud enough, or persistent enough, but what’s the point? Every argument is a loss, no matter what the topic or outcome, from the moment it starts. Disagreements can be settled, but an argument is a contest, a battle with a winner and a loser and the facts are frequently the first causality. I am all too familiar with the feeling that comes from realizing I was on the wrong side of the facts, but being unable to admit it.

Being wrong is the very essence of exploration and invention. You can’t explore without admitting that there is something you don’t know. Ah, I suppose that is different than admitting you are wrong, but I’ll justify my statement by saying that true exploration will not only increase your knowledge, it will also, if you allow it, challenge you to reconsider what you already know, in light of new facts. I am as guilty as anyone of “cherry picking” new information and accepting only what I already agree with and discarding might call into question my, often unexamined, opinions. I don’t learn much that way. Funny how that is.

Oh, adding new facts to my database is fine, but new insights only come from reexamining what you already know. You may see a rock on the ground. You may see it every day and figure you know all about that rock, until you try and pick it up and discover that it’s actually just the tip of a large boulder, buried deep in the ground. Or, perhaps, it not a rock at all but made of plastic or plaster. You never know until you look. You never know until you question.

I am also, all too familiar with that wonderful feeling of being “in the know.” You know what I mean: I’ve got it, I know what’s going on, I have my facts straight or have the inside dope, and everybody else is, well, wrong. How do I know they’re wrong? Easy, if they don’t agree with me they’re wrong (or just don’t know any better). And it’s perfectly obvious that, if they just knew the facts, then we’d all be on the same page and all disagreements would be over. Kinda doesn’t work that way, huh? Especially when their “facts” are better than mine. I mean, facts are facts, right? Well, that’s how I learned that being right, even having all my facts correct, doesn’t necessarily mean much.

Facts may be 100% correct, but still be “wrong” because they are incomplete or misinterpreted. There is not one disagreement that I know of, on the personal, national, or world stage, that is not mainly based on one or both sides willfully ignoring or distorting facts to suit their position. Have you ever been in the position of fighting for something you really didn’t want, because admitting you didn’t want it might undermine your position? I have, and I feel really stupid afterward, when I find myself stuck with something I never wanted in the first place. I can’t help but wonder how many people die every day because someone, somewhere, just can’t back down, even a little, from some position they really don’t care about?

I’d rather be wrong. I’d rather uncover something I didn’t know and discover an new point of view. I want to experience those profound insights that come from realizing that everything I know can be reinterpreted from a fresh perspective, one that brings new zest to what would otherwise be a same-o, same-o life. Invalidate the old! Question assumptions! Uncover mistakes! Show me the man behind the curtain! Don’t agree with me or tell me how smart or wise I am. Show me I’m wrong.

A farmer, a judge, and an ominous outlook

Yesterday I had a session exchange with another practitioner. My session was interesting and unusually violent in that I fought harder than usual to keep the words from coming out. I mean physically. I worked up quite a sweat and am still a little sore from the contortions my body went through. 

There were two past lives. The first was literally a “digging potatoes” life: In the first scene, I was a severely retarded older man who gathering potatoes in a field. Nearby there was a younger woman that I though of as “Mom” though I know she wasn’t my mother. She was wearing Slavic-styled peasant dress that was mostly bright red with lots of embroidery down the front. I could not see anything about her except for the dress, her head was just a fuzzy blur. 

In the next scene I as at a rude wooden table with an empty wooden plate in front of me. I was in a hut. It seemed large to me but mostly empty. The floor was either dirt or was wooden and very dirty. There was a large fireplace to my left, at the foot of the table, with a large, round, black kettle hanging over a fire.

The next scene was the same place except now there was food on my plate. The food was some kind of dark stew with a large chunk of meat in it. I don’t think the meat was very good. It had lots of gristle and tendons and a bone in it. I was significantly older now. The woman in the red dress was also there.

In the last scene I was lying on my back, on a bed, I think, with the front of the red dress very close to my face. The woman in the red dress was bending over me, doing something. Perhaps tucking me in. I was much older still. Then I quietly died and everything faded to dark gray. The purpose of that life was to understand being simple, where your world is tiny, and there is nothing other than the here and now. There are no possessions, no power, no society, no past, no future, just the present. 

As everything was fading out, a golden figure appeared in the bottom right corner of the picture. It looked like a greek statue, covered in gold, or bathed in golden light. The figure was reclining, facing left, like the pictures you see on ancient greek pottery of people reclining and eating. The figure seemed to be disdaining and dismissive of the old man that was dying. 

Moving ahead, I skipped into another life. This time I was the middle-aged man I had seen before as a golden statue. Except that I wasn’t gold, just and ordinary man. The setting looked very much like ancient Greece or Rome. The man was wearing some kind of toga or robes from that period and was seated on a backless stool on a raised, white dais. There was greek-looking “stuff” around and behind him: pillars, vases, hangings, lamp stands, “stuff.” 

He was sitting in judgment of a group of people below him. People who he cared so little about that he didn’t even see them as people. They were just dark shadowy blobs surrounded by the white “robey” blobs that were citizens or guards. The man quickly judged against the people, and sent them off to die for no particular reason other than to get rid of them. He only wanted power and position, and thought all people were a bother, stupid and disgusting. No one was worth his time. He treated everyone awfully.

In the last scene of this life, the man is sitting on the same stool, in the same place, all alone. He is considerably older. There is no one there. No one comes to see him anymore and he just sits there, lonely, and remembering the glory days when people were constantly currying his favor. Now nobody cared and he was completely alone. Next, he attempts to stand up, but he stumbles, perhaps stiff with age, and falls forward, face down, on the hard stone floor, and lies there, bleeding, until he dies. At that point I see him from above, looking down on him as he lies on the floor. Next I zoom away until he disappears and everything is dark gray again. 

This life was all about arrogance and selfishness. Interestingly, this man was almost as myopic as the “simple” peasant, just in a different way and for different reasons. He saw nothing but what he wanted and saw people as means to and end and only when it suited him. I mean they literally didn’t exist in his world unless the annoyed him or he had a use for them. He was lonely, prideful, arrogant, greedy and totally disdainful of everyone he considered “less” than he felt he deserved, which was pretty much everybody. He ended up completely alone, somewhat confused, and at a loss to understand why. The purpose of this life was to experience this extreme selfishness and see what it was like to have absolutely no empathy whatsoever. 

Speaking was difficult when I as experiencing these lives. The words came slowly and my face screwed up and I often stuttered severely. It took to get each word or phrase out. But when we moved to the subconscious, it got markedly worse, with my body twisting and contorting with the effort of not allowing the words out. The reason for that became clear a little later, because one of my questions was about all this physicality and why it happens.

Calling in the subconscious displayed in a total of three different voices and speech patterns. The facilitator kept pressing for them to identify themselves, but mostly got only vague answers. At one point, the answer to the repeated question, Who Are You, was a strange sound that I can’t possibly spell. It was repeated three times, each time the question was asked, so I think was actually a name. Another voice referred to itself as “we” and said that “they” were “friends” of mine.

The “we” entities said that they had an agreement to prevent me from remembering certain things that I was not ready to understand. These are memories of something I had done that I considered so horrible that I couldn’t handle it. I still don’t know what those memories might be, but the beliefs, “I deserve to be punished” and “I’ll a miserable, horrible, selfish person” and some other, related, stuff, are in there and are very strong. I think that the very fact that I’ve learned this much about, whatever it is, means that it’s about time for the contract to end. So I expect that I will be discovering more about this as things unfold over the next few weeks.

More conversations

More in a series of conversations with myself. Sounds a bit strange, but it is what it is:

What do you want to talk about today? What is that thing that I can kind of see, but can’t understand?

There is nothing to know, you will see it in time. There is nothing to know that you can’t know. What is here is here. Don’t let the change bother you. You don’t want to put too much importance on the future. What will happen today is what it important. There is more to come. You don’t need to solve everything today. There is plenty coming that you can work with when it arrives. Don’t let the past bother you. You will see what you need to see. Time is coming too fast, deal as best you can. Things will work out as they are supposed to.

Time is coming to make the difference. Now be ready to step out when the time comes. It’s not as hard as you think. Guidance will be there. Pay attention and keep listening. There is more to come. Do this every day and see what comes out. Do not give up, there is much more to hear from. Pay attention. You are not listening. There is too much to worry about, let it go. You will get it right, just relax and let it out.

You put way too much on getting it right the first time. You will have plenty of chances to get to the goal, be open to what presents itself. Feel free of the pressure to always be right and correct. See all you can to be free of overhead. The time will come when all will be clear. If you are still alive. Be free to find your way to the house, the doors are there to be found. Don’t let all the ancestry be drained from the life force. Open is open, stop on a corner and open the door to facing splice. Healing center is where you expect it to be. It can be found on the outcome of desire. Only freedom can be found on the streets of Canverness. We will see what come from the opening of the freedom trail and lackluster dimensions. Freedom is outside the dimension of helplessness. Grab a hat and reach for a placard of open ended answers. There isn’t anything which you can’t find when you open to accept what’s in front of you. They don’t need to be wrong for you to be right. They don’t need to ignorant for you to know.

Can you accept what’s being offered? There is much to find if you can open and see. There is a built in limitation that cannot be overcome. It must be circumvented. You need to sneak around it. To do so requires bending your mind in new ways to see around the corners of reality. You desperately want something, but you can’t quite imagine what it is. Your thoughts are close but they miss the point. The sense of connection is more that can be pictured in 3d. There is something that will open the door for you if you can grasp it. Laws can be circumvented. Physical laws are not what they seem. They can be sidestepped, if necessary. They are an agreement that can be broken. They are an arrangement that can be sidestepped and gotten around anytime you want. Once you see it, time is the simplest thing. Nature is an affront to what is. There is no need to be lashed to the wheel of progress and tortured by physical needs. Natural laws can be broken or ignored or bypassed in just the same way as you cheat in a board game, with similar consequences. Or none.

You never know what people think of you. That’s why worrying about it is such a waste of time and energy. You can’t know. There is what is, what you know and how you are. You don’t even know what your are or how your are. You are always changing without really paying attention. some days you’re one way other days you are another. You switch allegiance and affections at drop of a hat. You don’t know what you want, but you cloke that confusion with certiantude. Contradiction is your daily recipe. You want a number of things that make no sense in the accepted view of things. In your accepted view of things. Change your view and that would change. There is nothing to lose and nothing to gain by being strictly “by the rules.” Rules are what have gotten us into this mess. Da Rules have no meaning outside of your own head. Discard them and see what is now possible. The ethics of life are what matter. Love. If you knew what that meant. You don’t really. You have your fantasies, based on movies and books, but you have no real idea. Never having been there. Would you know it if you saw it? Find out how to look beyond your veil to see what’s behind the curtain.

You put way too much importance on your actions. It’s you intent that matters. Understand your intent. Become clear and focused on what you intend, and what you do will naturally fall in line. There is no need to script your actions, they will follow naturally from your intent and your focus. What you need will come as a consequence of your actions. There is no point to trying to force things. Become clear. Understand where you are going, what you intend to happen, where you intend to be. You can’t make this up. Be what you need to be. Understand what you need to be. Get clarity on what you need to be. Focus on what you need to be. Target on what you need to be. Being creates words. Being creates actions. The correct actions may not seems so that the time. You don’t know the effect you actions have. Dig up what insists on making you wrong for your actions. Actions from the correct intent can’t be wrong, no matter how they are received. Over time things will make sense, don’t give up while the game is still in action. The play doesn’t end until the final curtain comes down. Don’t let pilot twists ruin your day. The right intent will shine through, give it time to resolve.

A new door

Here we go again. I'm a bit unsure if I want to share this. It's a bit personal and I'm not sure if this is the person I want the world to see. It's one thing to read about other people's experiences with channeling and messages from...elsewhere, but it's quite a different kettle of fish when it happens to me. What follows is what spill out. I corrected spelling and other erros, and formatted the result (As a result of this, I'm beginning to see that there's something that I had no idea existed before. I don't know what it is, but it's like walking into your house and discovering a door in the wall that you never noticed before.):

I’d like to know about my left leg and foot. What is going on there? Why does it feel curled up and distorted?

You can see what is going on. It's not what you think it is. You never know that to think. You can’t find the answers on your own. You have to work with other people. You need to ask. Ask the people at church, talk to them, meet with them. They can help you find your path, even though it isn’t theirs. There is no way to do this on your own. 

You don’t want to hear that. You want to be the lone genius, who puts out all the special knowledge. You must absorb to return. You must read to know what to write. You must be with people to understand what needs to be said, and to whom. Moving forward means becoming one with those around your. Even those you don’t like. Even those you don’t agree with. Even those that rub you the wrong way. Even those who think you’re nuts. Even those you hate. You still hate some, don’t you? 

I can’t see that. 

You will. 

I can’t find the right way to do this. 

You will. 

I don’t know what to do next.

You will see, you find out as you go. I will help you. 

How do i start? 

Go to the place you think most important. 

Where is that? I don’t know. 

You must see. Take a chance and see what happens. 

What kind of chance? Go up on the mountain? 

Yes. You don’t want to go.  Right. You think it means something that you can’t accept. 

I know it means something, I just don’t know what. What does it mean? 

You think that it means walking into a trap. They all hate you and you must always be on your guard. Not necessarily. They can’t hurt you. You are always safe. You relish the uncertainty. You want mystery. You don’t want answers because that would spoil the mystery. Your think that will leave you with nothing to hope for. There is always more, there is no end in sight. Don’t take a chance on missing the way out of hiding. You have to ask to visit. It’s not that hard, and will be glad you did, no matter what the outcome. 

I will feel dumb, stupid. 

Why? Must everything in life be certain? Can’t you take a chance on anything? Must everything be spelled out in advance? You have to take a chance, if you expect others to also. At some point you have to take that leap or step of faith. Without it you are forever trapped within the walls of what you know and understand. You can’t grow unless you allow yourself space to grow. Within the bounds you have set for yourself, there is only what you already know, what you already have. It is only outside the bounds that you find the unknown and the exciting. Your outcome will will necessarily be beyond what you can imagine, and can only be found outside of what you know. Don’t limit yourself to the familiar, the known, the expected, what everybody else knows. To be extraordinary, you must do extraordinary things, and extraordinary things are risky. Try and fail, step and stumble, leap and fall on your face. There is no trial without error and the is no learning without mistakes. reach out, take your lumps and keep on trying, this is the process of being alive. You know how mind numbing and stultifying is it to play safe. Risk is exciting. Chance is exciting. Safe is boring. You know this, yet you still hesitate. You don’t want to die. You don’t even know why you are afraid of. Somehow, they are going to make you feel bad. Like that’s the end of the world and no one will ever like you again, is that it?  

You always try to eliminate the fear. Without fear, there is no risk, no danger. 

Is it necessary to understand the fear? 

Not necessarily. In some ways it can be useful to know what your are facing, so you can face it head on. That’s the best way to deal with it. Facing it head-on allows you to see it for what it is, and that’ the best way for it to be gone.  But for every fear you vanquish, there will be another one behind it. It will be a step up, true, but they will always be there, so get used to it. Keep fighting. Keep understanding. 

Fear, and fear of fear, can block you from seeing what’s really going on. You get so focused on the fear that you can’t see the trees for the forest, so to speak. Take the chance, reach out, ask, try, and reach the life at the end of the tunnel. 

You don’t believe, you don’t trust, you don’t accept what I’m telling you. You don’t want to see what’s in front of you. You love to put others down for ignoring the obvious but you are comfortable doing the same thing. You don’t want to be seen as embodying all that “stuff” what people make fun of. Ask and you shall receive, but you have to ask People. There is where the challenge is. They will think what they think, and they know what they already know about you. Perhaps they are just waiting for you to open the subject first. You can’t receive unless you are open and being open is being vulnerable.  You will take some licks, but don’t let that be your excuse for closing down. It’s not your fault that they attack you. It’s not your problem that others can’t see what you are offering. And you are not wrong because they attack you. You already know, that when dealing with pain and fear, the best way out is through. You will gain acceptance from those that matter to you and will help you in your growth. Once you carve you way through the wall of fear of fear, and fear of pain. Disapproval can hurt. Rejection can hurt. Rejection simply means that you’re looking for approval in the wrong places. 

It may be time to start looking at those groups that you are too uppity to consider now. they are too wacko for you to want to be associated with, with philosophies that you can’t accept. Wake up brother, you are already pretty far out on the limb. The stuff you’re doing and what you are doing right now. This. Who are you to say these people don’t know something you don’t? Why should anyone accept this if you can’t accept them? Or are you too full of BS to face it? Looks like that’s enough for now, you are coming apart.

A field around the body?

Had a strange meditation today. The whole time I had the feeling that things were happening that I wasn't able to catch, things were whooshing by and I would just catch a glimpse of them as they passed.

The first thing I noticed is that my "field," (I don't know what else to call it. Some people would call it an aura, but to me an aura is insubstantial, while the field is a significant energy field that surrounds the body) didn't cover my feet. It only reached to about the middle of my shins. I tried to stretch it to cover my toes, but that didn't work. I don't know what that's all about, perhaps I'll figure it out later. 

In a way, it's a bit odd that I would talk about a field around my body, because that wouldn't have occurred to me just two months ago. It's just that lately I've playing with ideas like out-of-body-experiences, seeing auras and picturing a field of some sort around my body. I don't know where I came up with the field, it was just something I thought to try. And when I did, the halo around my body made if feel very warm and comfortable. So it feels natural for me that if my feet are outside of the field, they would be cold. They have been unusually sensitive to cold for the past month or so. We took a trip last week and I couldn't believe how cold my feet were, no matter how warm the rest of the car was. 

Next, I kept seeing heads and faces. They were all different ages and different people, but they were all with pale skin and straight white-blond hair. One, young, one was me and the others seemed to be talking to me, or holding other conversations, but I can't make out what they are saying. I only have the idea that they just said something, but I wasn't paying attention. The heads and faces would just show up, say something, then zoom away. I have no idea what that was about.

And then, for about the last 20 minutes of the meditation, I got an uncomfortable feeling in my upper right arm, almost like a massage. Pressure in ripples, almost strong enough to be painful, that constantly moved throughout the muscles. This lasted for some time, then the feelings migrated down to my lower arm and stayed there until I was finished for the day. 

When I was finished, I noticed that I much more time had passed than I thought.

If anyone has any comments on this, I sure would like to hear them. 

Channeled Instructions?

I had a...different...experience the other night. I couldn't sleep and was having a miserable night. We were in a hotel, the couple next door was making a lot of noise. Everything was annoying. After midnight I gave up and went into the bathroom, so I wouldn't wake my wife, and started typing. These days, it seems that I'm supposed to write when I'm up in the middle of the night. That I'm awake for a reason, so I should use it. Even though I really don't want to. I'm tired.

This time I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say, but I had to go through the motions anyway or I wouldn't be allowed to go to sleep. Quickly, it seemed that I was having a conversation with...someone. I don't know who or what. The way it worked, I would think of stuff or questions and words and short sentences appeared in my head. I typed with my eyes closed pretty much the whole time. I only looked when I felt I'd lost track of what I was typing, so I could correct.

Sure, I could have been making it all up, why not? I'm still not sure. There is the information and instructions, which may or may not make any sense, and there are some odd procedural things that argue for another source, outside of my own head. One thing was the way the words came to me. Most of the time they were short sentences that I got all at once, but every now and then a phrase would appear that made no sense. At first I hesitated to write the words down, because I wanted it to make sense first, but I had to start typing it before the next part would appear and then the sentence would make sense. I normally never write stuff down until I have the whole sentence in my head, but in this case I had no choice.

The other odd thing was the time the, whatever it was, got stuck and couldn't find the right word. In the middle of a phrase, the dictation stopped and I sensed a groping for a concept I couldn't understand. After trying and discarding several words, it finally settled on one, but I could sense that it didn't like it, but it was the best it could find.

I'm not going to quote the session here, it's long, rambling, and has personal stuff I'd rather not share. But there is some parts of it that people out there might want to know.

What seemed the main point of the communication was that I was to work with a friend of mine to create a "vortex." The entity didn't like the term "Vortex," but it was the best it could come up with. Now, this friend is not someone I know very well and, as far as I know, is not spiritual at all. I don't relish the thought of having a conversation about past lives and the like with this person that includes: "Oh, by the way, I have been told by an unnamed entity that we are supposed to get together and create something I can't really describe. No, I have no idea how we are to do it." You all know what it's like to approach your friend and family with past lives and the other stuff we deal with on a daily basis, this has got to be a whole lot worse, for they don't really know me! I know what I would think if someone said that to me, say, five years ago. If that wasn't enough, my instincts tell me that there is right way to do this, and a whole bunch of wrong ways to do it, and, so far, every way that pops into my head is clearly not something I want to try.

Now, about this "vortex" thing.  I have a picture in my head that sort of describes what it might look like, if you could perceive things from outside of this level of existence, but I can't really describe it. It kind of looks like flowing bullseye glass. Bullseye glass is what they used in windows in medieval times before they learned to make plate glass. It had a large bump in the center with concentric circular ripples going to the outside. The vortex is like looking through this bullseye glass with the ripples in constant slow motion. You can't see the vortex itself, just the way it distorts what you see through it.

Another way of looking at it is to imagine large square of paper, half black and half white. In the center of the paper, straddling the line between black and white, is a large circle where the two colors are mixing. The colors don't mix to form gray, but stay discrete lines, streaks and blobs of either black or white, and they are in constant motion, slowly swirling. In this case, the black is fourth dimensional reality and the white is third dimensional reality.

The purpose of this "vortex" is to provide a bridge from one level to the next. A sort of ladder to allow you to gradually cross from on level to another, without having to make the jump all at once. I imagine slipping in on the white side and riding the swirls up to the black side where you could ease itself onto the black portion and into the higher level of existence.

So there you have it, what I got. What do you think, any thoughts about whether this makes any kind of sense at all?

What have you forgotten?

 The 12 Biggest Life Secrets Forgotten by Mankind, this post prompted me to consider what we left behind when we grew up, put away our toys and became realistic adults. It's so much easier to ignore what we know when everyone else seems to be doing the same. I'm not sure if I agree with this list, but the idea got me thinking.

What's really in my face now is that we're forgotten that the world is not a either/or place. The universe is not a zero-sum game where every gain in one area must be balanced by a loss somewhere else. This play out in all the big areas a conflict in the world, in politics and business and personal relationships. At the heart of every conflict, there is some person or group that insists that there is only one acceptable outcome, and any other solution is a total loss, for them.

The job of business and advertising is to "create" demand. The businesses of the world spend untold billions every year to create a demand for their products. But they only care about demand that they can fulfill, everything else is drowned out by the incessant hype of advertising. Things that we need, that may even be essential to life, are pushed aside and ignored. especially if they might conflict with the illusion of endless growth without consequences. This is all from the belief that if you win, I lose.

Single use plastic bags are a good example. Nobody needs these bags, they are not essential to anyones life. Not only can we all survive just fine without them, but they cause an amazing amount of environmental damage, clogging water ways and sewers, choking wildlife and they just look awful. But it's a fight to get rid of them. People want to protect their businesses. But the only reason those business exist in the first place is because everyone "forgot" that a single-use bag doesn't just go "poof" and disappear after it's used. We also "forgot" about the other business that were displaced by these bags. The plastic bag people never seemed to worry about all the people their product put out of work, or would be put back to work if their product went away. We're supposed to forget about that. 

In a way, you could say that the plastic bag makers want welfare. They made a poor choice when they got into the business without considering the obvious, long-term, effects of their product, and now they want everyone else to pay the price of cleaning up the mess so they can stay in business. You know that they would scream bloody murder if they were handed a bill every month for the cost of picking up and recycling all those bags. They want everyone to "forget" about all the mess and damage they their product and only think about their bottom line. The fact that this is even an argument is a testament to how easily we can be persuaded to forget what someone with money wants us to forget.

My time as a mermaid/merman. Regression

This regression starts with me being a mermaid. I'm floating in a fresh water lake the is relatively shallow. At least the part I'm in is shallow. The water is clear and the bottom is uneven with large hills and valleys covered with growth. There is a place nearby with large, floating, growths that look like kelp. I don't really look too much like the pictures in storybooks. My bottom half is suitably fishy, but above the waist I only resemble a human. I have two arms and a head, but the face is strange, with gills on the cheeks. No ears. My hair is short and light colored and I seem to be carrying a long stick.

In the next scene, I'm male and I look about the same as the female, as far as I can tell. I am carrying a spear, basically a sharpened pole, that seems to be made of wood, but I don't know where the wood comes from. I get the impression of cutting and shaping it by rubbing it on stones or shells. We don't use stones, just shells for cutting, sometimes. There are several other "people" around and we're hunting something large. I never really got a good idea what it looked like, but that it was about the size of a small killer whale and dangerous.

When I asked about home, I got a picture of a large cave. Many of us "lived" there. I use lived loosely, for we basically just needed a place to keep our stuff and sleep in safety. We didn't cook or prepare food, congregate, or have much of a civilization at all. Communication was minimal. Young were able to care for themselves at birth, so parent felt no real responsibility for them or towards them. We only had minimal language and communication, mostly used for hunting, and I perceived little social interaction. It was a very lonely life.

I died on a hunt, after being severely bitten by the thing we were hunting. The purpose of that life was to experience and understand loneliness. This is very relevant to me now. Most of my life I was afraid of people and hid out as much as possible, but now I realize that is a miserable, and more important, stagnant way to be. I am now in the process of building a community of people I can relate to, who will support me while I support them.

Damm the expense (or schedule)! Full speed ahead!

I am looking at this on-line course: Mutual Awakening with Patricia Albere. It's sixteen weeks of lecture and discussion. I'm thinking about it and seriously want to take it, but I'm a little afraid of the cost and commitment, but at the end of this post I'll probably have talked myself into it. I heard about it from an interview that I stubbled upon but can't find now. It's way too easy to lose something on the internet...

The main premise of the course, as I understand it, is that you can only go so far as an individual, but for the planet to awaken and us to evolve as a species, we need to learn how to work collectively. Not just work together, but to actually merge at a fundamental level and begin to experience the oneness we all strive for. This resonates with me. As soon as I heard that I realized that I only wake up in the presence of others, working by myself kills my spirit. Connecting with the right people is what life is all about. It doesn't have to be face to face, as long as it's real time. And it really has to be connecting, on some level, just bitching or complaining or gossiping really is not where it's at. No, every conversation doesn't have to be deep and meaningful, I can be as silly as anyone. But when you are true to yourself, there's a certain ring of honesty that comes through, no matter what you're saying, that doesn't leave your listeners with a bad taste in their mouths.

I have also had some amazing experiences in group training and interactions that just could not have happened in any kind of self-study or meditation. There was on time at a seminar where I had a moment of, telepathy? with a zen monk I was talking to. We had finished talking and had both turned away to sit down when I had the distinct feeling that she had said something to me. So I turned back and she was looking at me, with her eyes a bit wide, and I said, "I thought you said something..." She said no, but it was clear she had gotten the same message. That kind of thing doesn't happen on your own.

More to the point, perhaps, I had an experience, in one seminar, with an exercise that made it feel like my partner and I merged into one being. That's something you don't soon forget. It was such a simple exercise too. If you were trying to form a team, one that had to do globally important work, what would it be like if they were all able to feel as one, even if only briefly?

The class would be difficult, time wise. It's on the same night as choir rehearsals, and the first class is on the same day as the open-house introduction for my hypnosis courses. (Why does everything have to be on Tuesdays!?) I should be able to make to make it work though. The classes are from 5pm to 7pm and rehearsals don't start til 7:30. Plenty of time, if I eat during the discussion portion. (Ug!) I would need to manage that for sixteen weeks!

So I have lot's of reasons to blow off the course, money, time, but, on the plus side, I would be meeting a bunch of new people and, hopefully, forging some new friendships and, perhaps, extending my credibility as a healer and getting more clients? I know, ever the mercenary. But if my goal is to help people, I can't do that if nobody knows about me.

And, the thing is, I really do want to connect with people. That is something that, for most of my life, I've always avoided, but now, that I've finally gotten over whatever fear was holding me back in that area, I just want to throw myself into it, whole hog. Damm the expense (or schedule)! Full speed ahead! (See, what did I tell you?)

The Master

A storified version of a dream I had some years ago:

“Shush, will you, you'll wake Billy,” this was a harsh whisper in the dark. Too late, I thought, I’m already awake. Even though the sky was still dressed for evening, dawn was not far away.

“What are you guys up to?” I asked.

“None of your business weirdo, just go back to sleep.”

That was my brother Mark. Just a couple of years older but he lived in a completely different world. A teenager.

I sat up and looked at them, two silhouettes in the dark, my brother and his best friend Tom. They were obviously up to something-and I thought I knew what.

“You're going to see the Master, aren't you,” I whispered accusingly.

“What if we are,” my brother shot back, “What's it to you?”

“You TOLD him!” Tom almost exploded.

“Shut up,” my brother said, “you'll wake my parents.”

“But you know what He said...” Tom started, somewhat more quietly.

“I didn't TELL him anything,” my brother continued, “the little snoop listens.” While they were talking, my brother had finished putting his shoes on and the both started out the window.

“I want to come too,” I said, in a rush, before it was too late.“Yah right!” my brother tossed over his shoulder, continuing to open the window.

“Yah,” sneered Tom, a bit of a weasel, “only those Invited can come.”

As if being Invited is anything special, I thought to myself. “I don't care.” I whined back, ” I can go if I want to.”

“Forget it,” my brother said, now halfway out the window.

“I'll tell,” I said, playing my trump card.

My bother was now standing on the porch roof, his body bent at an angle because the edge of the roof was a little bit to right of the window. He paused, turned and looked at me, his eyes, visible despite the dark, caused a shiver to run down my spine. I though he was going to hit me.

“Whatever,” said Tom quickly, for he knew that look, “let the little snot come…if he can.” “You'd better keep up,” he said to me, “don't expect us to wait for you!”

“It doesn't matter anyway,” my brother muttered, still looking at me, “the Master will take care of him.” With that his head disappeared and Tom started out the window.

I think he might have been looking forward to seeing what the Master would do to me. That bothered me a little, but I pushed the thought from my mind and got up and threw on my clothes as fast as I could. In truth, I really had no idea what was going on. I had overheard just enough to know that something secret was up, and I wanted in.

I slipped out the window after they were both gone, pausing just long enough to see which direction they were heading. I had climbed out of our window before, but never in the this much hurry. I had no time to look around as I flung myself carelessly for the porch roof and scrabbled for the forward edge. The air was cool and smelled of dew and pine trees as I dropped quickly to the ground, slipping on the damp grass. I paid no attention to the scratches and scrapes I picked up in my haste. I scrambled to my feet and sprinted across the lawn. When I hit the sidewalk, I could see them a few houses down and pushed harder to catch up. I carved through the air like a racing sloop. The air flowed around me, lifting the back of my shirt, ruffling my hair and cooling my shoes, damp from dewy grass.

“We'd better move it,” Tom was saying as I caught up, “the sun's almost up. You know what he said...”

“Yeah, yeah. Dawn.” My brother cut him off. He didn't like anyone telling him anything. They both ignored me.

I didn’t even have a chance to catch my breath before they took off down the street toward the beach, jackets fluttering in the still air. Even though the big elms along the street were still in their full summer leaf, we could easily find our way through their shadows. Not that it mattered, we could find our way blindfolded. We had walked this way to the beach nearly every day during that summer.

No one spoke the rest of the way. The sun still wasn't up when we crossed the last street and stepped onto the sand. The mountains on the other side of the bay were hard black silhouettes that would release the sun at any moment. We were just in time.

Out across the glassy water we saw a five small boats, hooked together prow to stern and looking like a kiddy circus train from an amusement park. The lead boat was shinny black and shaped like an old-fashioned train engine in a cartoon. It was puffing smoke in stylized puffs, each one separate and fluffy and growing larger before it faded into the sky. Each of the boats were different, but all were brightly colored and cartoon shaped. They looked ridiculous and somehow sinister on a real bay, winding through real sailboats, heading for the shore.

Driving the lead boat was a figure that I took to be the Master. Cartoonish, like his train, thin and dressed in a shiny black coat and top hat. He had a large head, impossibly thin arms and legs and large hands and feet. He drove the train like an engineer, right up to the edge of the water as though he was pulling into a station. A part of my mind wondered about that, how any boat could come so close to the shore without grounding in the shallow water.

I just stared as the train pulled to a stop and Master stepped out onto the sand. He stood still for a moment, watching us, then he smiled and tipped his hat. Then I realized that my brother and Tom, who had kept on walking when I stopped, were a lot closer than I was and, with a shout, had started to run again. I was way behind.

I started to run across the soft sand, feet sinking in and sand flying off my shoes. I had to watch my feet to keep from stumbling over the uneven sand. That beach seemed a million miles wide, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get any closer to the water. I began to get seriously worried when I looked up and saw my brother within a few steps of the train. I tried to speed up, but then something grabbed both feet and I fell face first into the sand.

I was sure it was the Master. He was holding my feet! I tried to kick and pull my legs free and spit sand out of my mouth at the same time. I kept my eyes closed to protect them from the sand as I thrashed around, unable to loosen my legs even a little. Finally I broke down and cried. “I want to go,” I whined to myself.

I opened my tear-filled eyes and turned my head around to plead with the Master. The whine died half-formed in my mouth when I saw my dad holding my feet. I stared for a moment then looked back in front of me again. No beach. I saw…grass, our front yard and the front of our house from the point of view of someone hanging head-first out my bedroom window.

I dimly heard shouting and crying as my dad pulled me inside. I was confused and out of touch, and my face hurt. Where was the beach? What happened? A weird dream? I became aware that my dad was saying something. “Where was Mark?” “How the heck do I know,” I thought, though it was too much effort to answer. I was numb with confusion and disappointment, and completely detached as I watched my parents. I was already too far gone to even try to understand them as they drifted further and further away and the blackness closed in.

When I woke up the next morning, things had calmed down a bit. But they were never the same, for that was the last time I saw my brother. I was the last time anyone saw my brother or Tom. No one knew what to make of my story, least of all me, but I think that Mark, like many teenagers, was trying to get away from his past and, unfortunately for him, he found a way.

Outside of the funhouse

Every time I think my life couldn't get any stranger, it does. Maybe, at some point, down the road, none of what I'm going to say will be particularly unusual, but for now it's taking a little getting used to.

Tonight I re-aquainted myself with some people I hadn't seen in a while, and I noticed some connections which were beyond my reach the last time I saw them. (My, how much rings have changed.) One, who I've know for, maybe, eight years, and have always had some affection for, was clearly my sister in a previous life. We were both sisters, and she was the youngest. Although she's older than me, this time around, and I've always thought her a bit, well, odd, I've always felt a noticeable affection and a bit of protectiveness towards her.

Ok, no big deal at this point. I've been seeing connections a lot lately, so what's one more? Well, one thing I forgot to mention when I wrote up my life as a shaman, was that my "father" in that life was also someone knew from before. He's not here, in this life, but we've worked together before and probably will again, just not this time. So, now I have connections from other lives to this life, and other lives to other lives, what else is there? I'm getting to that.

The other person I reconnected with also had some kind of connection with me, but it manifested in a different way: It seemed to me that something about her that didn't seem right. I don't mean that there was something wrong, but that something just didn't seem to the way is should be.

She's considerably younger than I am and pretty and nice enough, but I alway had that nagging sense.  I could never put my finger on what was out of place. Today it clicked: she had the wrong face. Ah, so we've lived together before? No, we haven't. But that didn't make any sense, how could I know her if I've never known her? What gives? There was definitely a strong connection here but where could it have come from if we've never known each other? Things got more puzzling when I realized that she was connected to two other people who I had shared lives with. Just a friend of a friend? I don't know, maybe. But there seemed more to it than that.

It took me a while to draw the obvious conclusion, and once I saw it, I don't see how I could have missed it. All four of us were buddies in, what? the afterlife? A higher plane? Wherever is is that you want to call the place were we hang out before we are born and return to when we die, that's where all four of us hang between lives out and, apparently, have some long-standing partnership or working relationship.

I never occurred to me before to consider relationships on that level, relationships that span, perhaps, thousands of years? More? If that doesn't stretch your mind, I don't know what will. Now, I suppose, I'll be looking more deeply onto all the connections I sense in people I meet, for the universe is a lot richer than I'd realized. I have read about stuff like this, but it all just seemed, you know, kind of abstract, and it didn't really have anything to do with my life. On the other hand, I'm constantly asking to be shown more stuff and be given more understanding, so I really shouldn't be surprised at how odd things are getting. Now that I get this, I better brace myself, for something still odder is probably coming down the pike pretty soon.

And you know what? Bring it on! It seems reasonable that at some point I'll reach my limit, but, until then, Show me more, I dare you! I've never been more unsatisfied with this limited existence than I am now, even though I'm probably happier than I've ever been. I'm living a life that's pretty damm cool. It has it's ups and downs, and I don't know where I'm going, but I'm discovering mind-blowing stuff first hand, and that's as amazing as it gets.

The most significant down is dealing with the blindness and negativity that permeates my culture. But I'm beginning to think that it's not a pervasive as I've always believed. because I've lived my entire life inside the funhouse mirrors of denial, I don't really have any idea how far it actually goes. The reflections seem to go on forever, but I know they don't, so it's clearly time to find my way out of the funhouse and see what the world is really like.

UFOs are crazy!

I've now finished Mirage Men by Mark Pilkington, and I think I largely agree with the author: 99.9% of everything you hear about UFOs and invading aliens is misinformation, disinformation, confusion or plain fiction. Pinkington's idea that intelligence services around the world have found the whole UFO underground a way too convenient cover for anything they want to hide and dumping ground for anyone or anything they want to discredit, is way to plausible to discard.

The whole denial freight train got started during the cold war and continues to this day for several reasons, aside from what I said above, including embarrassment, bureaucratic inertia, and the problem that, if they did come clean, there would be the incidents that they either still can't explain, or don't want to, because the subjects are still secret. And there is another theory, the "inoculation," where all the TV shows and movies from X-Files through Superstition and Vampire Dairies, with all their evil and fear, are subtly encouraged so people get so used to the evil-alien-conspiracy idea that, when the truth actually comes out, it will seem plain-jane boring by comparison. Maybe. There are a lot of people that are genuinely terrified of aliens and UFOs, so perhaps that's a good idea?

Don't get me wrong, I think there is a truth buried under all the wacko, fear-mongering, alien-invasion, evil-genetic-reptile-hybrids-going-to-take-over-the-world stories, and it's substantially less interesting, and at the same time more profound, than what grabs all the attention at UFO conventions. It's my opinion that UFOs, spirits and psychic phenomenon are part and parcel of the same thing, and it will all come out when we're ready for it to come out. Each UFO camp doesn't want to give up their pet theories, so they ignore the subtle evidence and just focus on the big, juicy, exciting stuff. Who, really, wants to admit that they are just plain wrong and vast underground bases and evil invading reptiles really don't exist? I mean, what would you do with your Saturday afternoons?

I have no trouble accepting what I have seen and experienced and the readings that resonate with it. Once, I was afraid of the unknown, but now things like ghosts are interesting, but not particularly exciting. Pretty much everything that comes of the the UFO community is just plain silly, all designed to make you afraid. Because, I suppose, that's what sells. No one want's to see a lecture about sweetness and light, so that won't change anytime soon. There are some truly wonderful and exciting things going on, you just won't find anything about them at a UFO convention or website.

Autistic Shaman

This life memory was almost forced upon me. I had woken up in the middle of the night, then, after I went to the bathroom, let the cat out, noticed that it must be late, because the full moon was far into the west, I went back to bed. But I couldn’t sleep. I had no idea why I couldn’t sleep, I was just awake and that was that. I started thinking about an autistic person I sing with, and gradually, flashes of evergreens and bark-covered beehives crept into my awareness. Finally I gave up, rolled over and decided to find out what this was all about. I didn’t knowingly put myself into a trance of any kind, but it was the middle of the night, who knows?

My first impression was a bark-covered beehive in the trees. After some digging, a scene emerged. I was a native American, in bare feet, wearing the kind of shirt that left my arms and shoulders uncovered, and a kind of loincloth. I don’t think there was any decoration on either. I had long black hair, tied back. I was standing, quite still, in a redwood forest on a gently rolling, upland, landscape. Behind me was a view, down-slope and through the trees, of a sunny valley, some miles distant. I was standing outside of, and facing, a beehive-shaped hut covered with bark.

In the next scene, I was inside the hut. There was a small fire in the center, a small amount of belongings, tucked against the sides and my wife. There were also two children, a boy, about 2 years old, and baby in her mother’s arms. My wife was also pregnant. My wife had been chosen for me by the tribe.

I had no feelings for my wife or children, I saw them, quite literally, as blurs. The children were little more than transparent ghosts. My wife was more solid, but was still a blur, none the less. It’s like I physically could not see them. I didn’t love them or hate them. They were just part of my world and I took care of them because that’s what I did. I didn’t really think about it. In a way, I don’t think I “thought” about anything, I just “was,” living in the present.

There was only one person in this life that seemed solid. That was the old man. I have only one image of him, where I am looking up at him from the side, from below, like I am a small child. He is facing away from me, is wearing a shirt like mine that leaves his arms a shoulders bare, and lose pants, both with decorations and beadwork. He has a special band around his upper arm and another around his head, holding his hair. Although his hair is heavily streaked with gray, he is still tall and strong.

New scene. I am again outside in the forest, this time watching some kind of ceremony where people are dancing by a fire. The place was an area of flat ground at the base of some very large rocks, sticking out of the hillside. Again, I can’t see any people, all I perceive are shadows and silhouettes against the firelight. This is during the day.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the dance. Instead I was thinking about how cool it was to have the fire up against the rocks. That way the heat is reflected back and that is so much warmer, and, not only that, but the rocks retained the heat after the fire died down at night and would keep you warm as you sleep. Next I started thinking about having a fire in a cave, and I started to wonder why no one had ever seen cases of people living in caves who built low walls of rocks to block the wind and keep them warm at night.

I moved ahead again. Now the scene looked exactly the same, and I was standing in the same position, except that now I was older, much older. I was stooped with age and had grey hair. Now I was dressed just like the old man I had seen in my first vision. I realized that, now, I was the shaman, taking over from my “father” when he died. I was not his blood kin, but was taken in by him after being abandoned by my parents. They were from another group and had left me far out in the forest when they had realized that I was “different.” I was about four at that time. The shaman found me, took me in and trained me to be his replacement.

It seems that I had “talents.” Today I might be called “functional autistic,” but in those times I was a holy man. I had ideas. For instance, my hut had a roof that was somewhat pointed, not flat like the others, so the rain would run off better. I covered my hut with bark because I shed rain better, and wouldn’t catch fire from sparks, the way leaves and branches would. I think I also had a habit of standing or sitting on one place for long periods of time, without moving, lost in my own inner world.

My death was confusing. I had chest pains, some kind of heart condition, but that didn’t kill me. I’d been stabbed in the back with a stone-tipped spear, but that didn’t kill me. It seems that I’d fallen and broken my neck. That didn’t kill me either, but left me a quadriplegic. I was assigned a young girl to take care of me, but someone in that condition doesn’t last long in that day and age. I have no idea how long I lasted, time didn’t mean much to me in that life. One I died, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I couldn’t see past the death.

My purpose in that life was to understand what it was like to live that life, be that kind of person, and to have compassion, not pity. To experience what it was like to be in the tribe, but on of it. In thinking about it, I am struck by some parallels between that live and this current life. I have, at times, found myself just “being,” aware of the people around me, but not giving them any acknowledgment or significance. Not thinking, just being.

Lifesavers don't all come in fruit flavors

Lots of thoughts today. I was just reading about a QHHT session where the client was a little girl who could speak to animals. Her job was to take are of animals. She eventually starved to death, but without pain or regret. Wow. This really gave the client what he was looking for, closure.

I love reading about sessions like these, they really resonate with me and get to think. Perhaps I have something like that in my past, or I have similar issues to resolve, but I like them like a great novel or movie, where you can lose yourself in the story and still live in it long after it ends, and I wish I could have had that experience.

That client came in to find closure. He was waiting to die and didn't want to leave any lose ends that would need to be tied up later. Perhaps it seems a little sad or morbid, but I have felt the same way for a few years now. It happened while I was working with a spiritual teacher that helped me resolve some issue that had something to do with my purpose and what mattered in life. At one point I realized that none of it really mattered and I could walk away from everything at anytime. Then I felt completely at piece and couldn't think of anything else to do with the rest of my life.

At this same time, the teacher told me that I had a "death's door" coming up. She had to explain what that was, I had never heard of it before: Death doors are points in your life where you have the choice to stay or exit. This isn't necessarily a conscious choice, but was built in when you designed your life. Once I understood the concept, I realized that I had read about them in stories of other people's past lives. (In one case, a boy drowned at sea in a small boat, because his higher self had looked forward and, deciding that what was coming up was both awful, and didn't contribute to the his soul's evolution, took the opportunity to end the life at that point.) Shortly after that, around a week or two, I was bicycling my way to work and was narrowly missed by a speeding car. I had just turned left off a main road onto a side street. Usually I turned to the center of the street and then cross to the side, (now that I think of it, that wasn't a very smart thing to do) but on that particular day I stayed against the center divider instead. That may have saved my life, as the car would have taken me out if I'd crossed the street.

I didn't make too much out of that, at the time, but I have continued on for years with the idea that I'm ready to go, whenever. I'm not saying I want to die, I just didn't see any particular reason to keep on dealing with the daily BS that life hands out.

So maybe getting laid off and discovering QHHT was literally a lifesaver. It gave me something to look forward to and a purpose: To help others both directly, by working with them, and indirectly, by sharing what I've learned. Stretching you mind and discovering who you really are only matters if you have a reason to do so. Learning only matters if you have something to apply it to and life only matters if you can make a difference.