I had idea for a way to refresh my meditation sessions: I had been noticing images pop into my head, from time to time, while I was lying there with my eyes closed. Usually they came and went so quickly that they barely registered. Yesterday I had the idea to go with them and see where they went. Not to try and do anything with them, just notice them and be with them and watch what happens, without any expectations.
Yesterday, when I tried this idea, I had a little fun. I first noticed just a flash of turquoise water. Then I just let it come back and just looked at it, without trying to make any sense of it. I just let it form, at it’s own pace, until I had a complete image.
What I was seeing was turquoise ocean water, view for directly above. Maybe 100 or so feet above. The sea was a little choppy, but not big waves. I had the impression that there was a small, rocky island, just to the right, slightly out of the picture. Just going with it, it felt warm, like the Mediterranean. I watched the waves move for a bit, then, as though I raised my head, the picture shifted until I was looking horizontally, out toward a coastline in the far distance. Then I saw the white head and realized that I was a bird, a seagull, flying over the sea. That was it.
Nothing really earth shattering, just a nice, peaceful little few moments in the life of a bird. Like a small vacation from my daily worries. No worries there, nothing to do there, no future to worry about. Just gliding through the clear, bright air. I don’t know if there was a message there, but it was nice, none the less.
I have a lot of pictures pop into my head, from time to time, and I’ll now take some time to explore them. Perhaps they’ll just be interesting, or maybe they might lead to some journeys with teachings and healings for me. I doesn’t really matter, it’s all a learning experience. There are so many things we ignore in our endless race to pass the test, get the job, earn the buck, and that leaves each of us to discover them on our own. We could value the inward journey and teach our children from a early age things to do and what types of things to expect. But, instead, we ignore it entirely and leave every person to discover it on their own, with all the false steps and dead ends that are inevitable when people are wandering in uncharted territory.
It’s really so sad. There are so many out there promoting fear and hate and exclusion as “spiritual,” and they get away with it because no one is taught what spirituality is, and to distinguish it from blind faith and fanaticism. And so, for the nonce, we must each blaze our on paths. I wish you the best on your journey and I pray that you will find help that will allow you discover your own path, and not insist that you take theirs.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Speedbumps
Today I confronted some speedbumps, and new ideas, in my path to awaking. I don’t really like the term “enlightenment,” it’s got too many connotations I’m not comfortable with, and, frankly, it really feels to me that I’m waking up and seeing all the worlds around me that I never noticed before.
Fun fact: The book we call “The Egyptian Book of the Dead,” was actually called “The Book of Going Forth by Day,” by the Egyptians. I know, that sound a bit like, “say what?” Other translations I like better are, “The Book of Going Forth into the Light,” or “The Journey to Enlightenment.”
I have been feeling somewhat stalled in my process. You know, we all hit these plateaus, from time to time, where nothing seems to happen. It doesn’t matter if we’re playing golf, music or taking over the world, we all hit periods where we can’t seem to make any progress. Worse, all the we’ve accomplish up to this point seems worthless. Well, maybe not worthless, but, well, you know what I mean. I’ve been facing that for a few weeks now, where nothing seemed to be happening and I wasn’t making any progress on issues and in areas I consider important.
The other day I, for the first time, started to dive into the Seth writings. This is another body of work that I’ve known about since the ‘70s, but had never read. I started to listen to bits on YouTube and started to get intrigued by what it had to say. Then I found someone who has read and recorded the entire Seth book, “The Nature of Personal Reality,” and posted it on YouTube. I started listening while meditating.
Some of the writings in the book triggered things in me. I have noticed, in recent weeks, that I have certain “discomforts” that only appear when I meditate. They show up after I start and disappear when I’m finished. Odd? Yes. I have looked at these with all the tools I have and haven’t been able to make any headway on finding out why I have them or how to get them to go away. This is one of the reasons that I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting anywhere: I’d run up against something that none of my tools had any effect on.
The Seth text was all about personal beliefs, and how they shape your reality. (“Beliefs” are a huge topic. When you get right down to it, they may be the most important concept you need to wrap your head around, if you are going to awaken. Much bigger than I have time for here. There is no way to overemphasize how important this subject is, but, for now, you’ll just have to go with me on this.) His words gave me a spark the evolved into an idea: It occurred to me to talk to the pains.
So I tried it, and what I found, was that looking into the discomfort and asking, “What would you say, if you could?” resulted in me gaining access to beliefs I hadn’t noticed before. That allowed me to process them out, diminishing the discomfort or eliminating it altogether. So far, I must have already spent at least three hours finding and processing beliefs. Beliefs that were holding me back, in many ways, without me even knowing it. I’m going to get a soft copy of one of the books, so I can read it on our upcoming trip. But I definitely want to have hard copies for my shelf. I like reading from paper much more than from screens.
Fun fact: The book we call “The Egyptian Book of the Dead,” was actually called “The Book of Going Forth by Day,” by the Egyptians. I know, that sound a bit like, “say what?” Other translations I like better are, “The Book of Going Forth into the Light,” or “The Journey to Enlightenment.”
I have been feeling somewhat stalled in my process. You know, we all hit these plateaus, from time to time, where nothing seems to happen. It doesn’t matter if we’re playing golf, music or taking over the world, we all hit periods where we can’t seem to make any progress. Worse, all the we’ve accomplish up to this point seems worthless. Well, maybe not worthless, but, well, you know what I mean. I’ve been facing that for a few weeks now, where nothing seemed to be happening and I wasn’t making any progress on issues and in areas I consider important.
The other day I, for the first time, started to dive into the Seth writings. This is another body of work that I’ve known about since the ‘70s, but had never read. I started to listen to bits on YouTube and started to get intrigued by what it had to say. Then I found someone who has read and recorded the entire Seth book, “The Nature of Personal Reality,” and posted it on YouTube. I started listening while meditating.
Some of the writings in the book triggered things in me. I have noticed, in recent weeks, that I have certain “discomforts” that only appear when I meditate. They show up after I start and disappear when I’m finished. Odd? Yes. I have looked at these with all the tools I have and haven’t been able to make any headway on finding out why I have them or how to get them to go away. This is one of the reasons that I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting anywhere: I’d run up against something that none of my tools had any effect on.
The Seth text was all about personal beliefs, and how they shape your reality. (“Beliefs” are a huge topic. When you get right down to it, they may be the most important concept you need to wrap your head around, if you are going to awaken. Much bigger than I have time for here. There is no way to overemphasize how important this subject is, but, for now, you’ll just have to go with me on this.) His words gave me a spark the evolved into an idea: It occurred to me to talk to the pains.
So I tried it, and what I found, was that looking into the discomfort and asking, “What would you say, if you could?” resulted in me gaining access to beliefs I hadn’t noticed before. That allowed me to process them out, diminishing the discomfort or eliminating it altogether. So far, I must have already spent at least three hours finding and processing beliefs. Beliefs that were holding me back, in many ways, without me even knowing it. I’m going to get a soft copy of one of the books, so I can read it on our upcoming trip. But I definitely want to have hard copies for my shelf. I like reading from paper much more than from screens.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Contrasts and Changes
I finished two books this week: Spirit Releasement Therapy and A Year By the Sea, Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. At study in contrasts? Joan’s book was a welcome respite from all the studying I have been doing. And I also makes me want to write in a different way. Better? I don’t know, but different.
It’s fun to be different. We all need to be different, from time to time. To wear different clothes, to watch different shows or see different movies. Go to different places and talk to different people. Sure, I don’t like some of them, but that makes going back to the familiar all the better.
I just made some tea. Why does that matter? I’ve found that change is, well, different, and tea is part of that change. It’s something to drink that is small, slow and subtle. Now that the kids are gone, or take care of themselves, we no longer eat together. Jackie started a new diet some months ago. Although she has seemed to leave that behind, she still eats what she wants, when she wants, leaving me to fend for my self. So part of my new routine is to eat things that are small, and to take my time. It’s all about mindfulness these days, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time, and still don’t. I just want to eat less but still don’t get done so fast.
Now am now finishing the process that started when the kids were in their later years in high school: I now cook only for myself. I have been slowly working out how to feed only myself. I took care of myself for many years in my bachelor days. But in those days, I ate a lot more than I do now, and I didn’t worry too much about how it tasted. I now have to figure out how to come up with smaller portions of interesting food. I’ve never had to do that before.
Most of my life I was well known for eating a lot. Heck, I could eat a whole pizza at a sitting, and that was in my twenties. I’m sure I ate a whole lot more in my teens. As a rule, I never worried much about what I ate, because I needed so much. It was mostly about finding enough. After my parents died, my main effort was making my money go as far as possible. So I never had the luxury of “not liking” certain foods. When I ordered something, I ate everything on the plate, no matter what color or texture. A lot of people will hate me for saying this, but I still weigh only ten pounds more than I did in high school.
But then it happened. I got older. Sometime around the age of 50, I realized that I needed to eat less if I wanted to stay at the same weight. And I started doing the unthinkable: leaving food on my plate. Not going back for seconds and thirds. I had to break the habit of centering my routines around eating.
It’s been years and it still feels a bit weird. I find that I have to eat slower because I don’t want to be done so fast. I also realize that, in social situations, I ate a lot to avoid talking to people. As long as my mouth was full I didn’t have to deal with those awkward conversation thingies. I have found myself doing a whole lot more talking and listening than eating, at holiday get-togethers.
There have been a lot of changes. I now prefer social situations to sitting at home. I used to run from parties and get headaches if I had to talk to people for too long. A good book was the best think ever, TV was next in line. A book allowed me to hide from everyone and lose everything that was going on In my life. Now I don’t have all that much time to read. Sitting for a long time is a bother. There are definitely times when I want to have a good story, but it’s not all the often. Now reading is mostly a way to fill time when I can’t do anything else.
I used to prefer work where I could be all by myself, controlling my own little world. People were a distraction and a bother. They kept me from what was important. I now find that kind of life extremely lonely. Working without conversation, without feedback, seems utterly pointless. I need the interaction to feel that I’m doing anything at all.
I suppose all these changes happened about the same time, and is probably what drove me to change occupations and directions. To find new friends, (any friends at all) and to understand what friendship is, in this world. I am having to really look at and understand what is important to me. And I’m beginning to notice that how I’m looking at things now is much more healthy for me, and for the world at large.
I’ve had to go through an awaking process that was, frightening, at first, then frustrating, as I began to understand why it was so difficult to get anything done, and came the slow dawning when I realized that great people, from Shakespeare to Alan Watts, philosophers from every age had and were saying the same thing: People believe exactly what they want and nothing else. If I want peace in my life, I had to distance myself from anyone with an agenda.
But, wait. Don’t I have an agenda? Yup. So I have to find and surround myself with people that are on the same page as I am. I’m not going to convert anyone to a new way of thinking. And I don’t expect to find a group that suits me. So I have to create it. I just realized that that is what I am doing. I am, without really thinking about it, started creating a group that thinks along the same lines as I do. Finding like-minded people who are also looking for a place to be. Most people come an leave, not comfortable with what I’m building here. But some stay. Now we will see how that goes.
It’s fun to be different. We all need to be different, from time to time. To wear different clothes, to watch different shows or see different movies. Go to different places and talk to different people. Sure, I don’t like some of them, but that makes going back to the familiar all the better.
I just made some tea. Why does that matter? I’ve found that change is, well, different, and tea is part of that change. It’s something to drink that is small, slow and subtle. Now that the kids are gone, or take care of themselves, we no longer eat together. Jackie started a new diet some months ago. Although she has seemed to leave that behind, she still eats what she wants, when she wants, leaving me to fend for my self. So part of my new routine is to eat things that are small, and to take my time. It’s all about mindfulness these days, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time, and still don’t. I just want to eat less but still don’t get done so fast.
Now am now finishing the process that started when the kids were in their later years in high school: I now cook only for myself. I have been slowly working out how to feed only myself. I took care of myself for many years in my bachelor days. But in those days, I ate a lot more than I do now, and I didn’t worry too much about how it tasted. I now have to figure out how to come up with smaller portions of interesting food. I’ve never had to do that before.
Most of my life I was well known for eating a lot. Heck, I could eat a whole pizza at a sitting, and that was in my twenties. I’m sure I ate a whole lot more in my teens. As a rule, I never worried much about what I ate, because I needed so much. It was mostly about finding enough. After my parents died, my main effort was making my money go as far as possible. So I never had the luxury of “not liking” certain foods. When I ordered something, I ate everything on the plate, no matter what color or texture. A lot of people will hate me for saying this, but I still weigh only ten pounds more than I did in high school.
But then it happened. I got older. Sometime around the age of 50, I realized that I needed to eat less if I wanted to stay at the same weight. And I started doing the unthinkable: leaving food on my plate. Not going back for seconds and thirds. I had to break the habit of centering my routines around eating.
It’s been years and it still feels a bit weird. I find that I have to eat slower because I don’t want to be done so fast. I also realize that, in social situations, I ate a lot to avoid talking to people. As long as my mouth was full I didn’t have to deal with those awkward conversation thingies. I have found myself doing a whole lot more talking and listening than eating, at holiday get-togethers.
There have been a lot of changes. I now prefer social situations to sitting at home. I used to run from parties and get headaches if I had to talk to people for too long. A good book was the best think ever, TV was next in line. A book allowed me to hide from everyone and lose everything that was going on In my life. Now I don’t have all that much time to read. Sitting for a long time is a bother. There are definitely times when I want to have a good story, but it’s not all the often. Now reading is mostly a way to fill time when I can’t do anything else.
I used to prefer work where I could be all by myself, controlling my own little world. People were a distraction and a bother. They kept me from what was important. I now find that kind of life extremely lonely. Working without conversation, without feedback, seems utterly pointless. I need the interaction to feel that I’m doing anything at all.
I suppose all these changes happened about the same time, and is probably what drove me to change occupations and directions. To find new friends, (any friends at all) and to understand what friendship is, in this world. I am having to really look at and understand what is important to me. And I’m beginning to notice that how I’m looking at things now is much more healthy for me, and for the world at large.
I’ve had to go through an awaking process that was, frightening, at first, then frustrating, as I began to understand why it was so difficult to get anything done, and came the slow dawning when I realized that great people, from Shakespeare to Alan Watts, philosophers from every age had and were saying the same thing: People believe exactly what they want and nothing else. If I want peace in my life, I had to distance myself from anyone with an agenda.
But, wait. Don’t I have an agenda? Yup. So I have to find and surround myself with people that are on the same page as I am. I’m not going to convert anyone to a new way of thinking. And I don’t expect to find a group that suits me. So I have to create it. I just realized that that is what I am doing. I am, without really thinking about it, started creating a group that thinks along the same lines as I do. Finding like-minded people who are also looking for a place to be. Most people come an leave, not comfortable with what I’m building here. But some stay. Now we will see how that goes.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Question for a Rainy Day
Question for a rainy day: If we ever discovered a device that was sensitive to psychic “signals,” it would appear to behave in a random fashion, responding to signals we don’t understand and cannot predict. Thus, any technologist working with such a device would work diligently to “fix” it so that it would behave in a more predictable fashion, i.e. make it immune to any “psychic static.” Having worked in electronics, I know how much work it takes to create a new detector, of any kind, and a significant portion of that work is eliminating unwanted signals. That said, would it be any surprise that none of our measuring and recording devices show any evidence of such signals?
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Think for Yourself?
Doing a meditation today. I was looking that “things” in general. I have been feeling a bit down for a while. I even felt a bit odd after seeing Tomorrowland the other night. I liked the film. It wasn’t a great film, but I liked it anyway. There was a certain amount of nostalgia about the future of the 50’s and 60’s. There was so much optimism about science and technology! They hadn’t yet quite awoken to the cultural and environmental train wreck coming their way. Leaded gas and Silent Spring were just beginning to make their marks and the limitations of their laughingly primitive technology were not so obvious yet. Of course, there are plenty of people today that still think we can willy-nilly mess with climate, geology and politics without major consequences, but most of us finally seem to get the idea that everything is connected and it really is a Rob Peter to Pay Paul, world.
Build a dam and it changes an ecosystem, and the lives of all the people that depend on it. Improve your fishing practices and fewer fish are left for someone else, and new species move in to fill the niche the fish you took once occupied, endangering somebody else’s harvest. Improve the “efficiency” of your pig farm and the run-off pollutes the local watershed, destroying the fishing, filling the waterways with fast-growing algae and invasive plants, and making the water unfit to drink. Strike gold and the run-off from your mine fills the local waterways with heavy metals for generations. Nothing comes for free. As big as the world is, we can’t pollute anywhere without effecting someone on the other side of the planet. We now pollute on such a massive scale that it’s no longer possible to destroy and move on, there’s no longer any place to move on to.
Europe’s known that for a long time. They ran out of untouched resources centuries ago and have needed to “manage” to survive. Many have taken major steps to becoming sustainable. Some have taken to outsourcing their destruction. Japan, for example, has protected it’s forests and beautiful landscapes by shipping it’s clear cutting operations to other countries who are willing to permanently cut their old growth forests for a little short-term gain. And China’s massive “growth at all costs” policy is not only an environmental disaster now, but will be so much worse when the inevitable crash comes. They are raping their entire country and it’s people for a narrow definition of “prosperity” that cannot be sustained. They’ll be lucky if they get another ten years, twenty on the outside, before the whole system implodes. The really bad news is that it looks like they are considering the time-tested method of staving off economic collapse: Start a war. Russia’s clearly thinking along the same lines to solve it’s economic problems.
We’re really not much better, constantly jumping into wars across the globe to protect some “interest.” The whole middle east mess is pretty much our fault. Not Bush’s fault, our fault. We were all too busy looking for someone to blame, and get revenge on, to worry about whether we were actually attacking the right people. Of course, we’ve been messing with the people in the middle east for generations. Heck, we’ve destroyed whole governments. 9/11 is child’s play compared to what we’ve done to them in the name of protecting our “economic interests.” What goes around, comes around. Piss in your neighbor’s pool and don’t be surprised if he throws rocks through your windows.
The real point here is the incredible arrogance and hubris that these people have to think that they can foresee and control the results of messing with thinks on such a large scale. History is full of examples of people who engineered their own demise through greed. When I say history, I mean everything from ancient Egypt to last year. And I do mean greed, because everything always comes back to greed. Every political and economic disaster can be linked back to someone wanting more. More power, more land, more money, and they were willing to take any risk to get it. It’s a historic truism that any economic/political system, left to it’s on devices, free of outside limitations, will destroy itself in a relatively few generations through exploitation-to-exhaustion of the very resources it needs to survive.
You’d think that people would be smarter than that, but, it only takes two generations, at most, for a sense of entitlement to set in that won’t allow the people in charge to understand that their situation is unsustainable.
Think you’re too smart to fall for that? Wake up buddy, look around you: Every news report talks about job growth, economic growth and earnings growth as though it’s the only thing keeping us afloat. So, now tell me: How can anything grow forever? And if it can’t, how does this system of our survive? Face it, our system is no better than any of the others throughout the world and throughout the world. We have always depended on expendable resources to fuel our prosperity, but now, every time we try and grab more we find that we’re stepping on someone else’s toes. And they don’t like it.
So here we are. We can continue down this path until environmental destruction and economic collapse forces us to stop, or we can make the hard choices to turn our system around. Choices that business don’t want to make because it will cut into profits, and shareholders don’t like that. That politicians don’t want to make, because they are paid by the companies, and that voters don’t want to make because they either shareholders and/or are scared by those very same companies. The thing is, can you think for yourself? Can you take the time to read the evidence, all the evidence, not just the well-funded ads, and make up your own mind? Things around the world are getting pretty tense, and they’re not going to get any better if we keep on doing what we’ve always done, because, duh, that’s how we got here!
And, finally, can you stop giving all your power to someone else? Can you consider the idea that being elected doesn’t make you an expert in politics, foreign policy, economics, labor relations, or the environment? Sure, he may be a really nice guy and agrees with you on everything, but does that mean he knows enough engineering to prevent the levies from breaking and flooding your house the next big storm? Does he know enough about bookkeeping to really know that the budget he’s voting for is based on more than feel-good wishful thinking? We have a tendency to vote for people who tell us what we want to hear. Call me crazy, but I would rather hear the truth, even if I don’t like it, than be disappointed, yet again, by a sugar-coated, it’s-all-their-fault, lie.
Build a dam and it changes an ecosystem, and the lives of all the people that depend on it. Improve your fishing practices and fewer fish are left for someone else, and new species move in to fill the niche the fish you took once occupied, endangering somebody else’s harvest. Improve the “efficiency” of your pig farm and the run-off pollutes the local watershed, destroying the fishing, filling the waterways with fast-growing algae and invasive plants, and making the water unfit to drink. Strike gold and the run-off from your mine fills the local waterways with heavy metals for generations. Nothing comes for free. As big as the world is, we can’t pollute anywhere without effecting someone on the other side of the planet. We now pollute on such a massive scale that it’s no longer possible to destroy and move on, there’s no longer any place to move on to.
Europe’s known that for a long time. They ran out of untouched resources centuries ago and have needed to “manage” to survive. Many have taken major steps to becoming sustainable. Some have taken to outsourcing their destruction. Japan, for example, has protected it’s forests and beautiful landscapes by shipping it’s clear cutting operations to other countries who are willing to permanently cut their old growth forests for a little short-term gain. And China’s massive “growth at all costs” policy is not only an environmental disaster now, but will be so much worse when the inevitable crash comes. They are raping their entire country and it’s people for a narrow definition of “prosperity” that cannot be sustained. They’ll be lucky if they get another ten years, twenty on the outside, before the whole system implodes. The really bad news is that it looks like they are considering the time-tested method of staving off economic collapse: Start a war. Russia’s clearly thinking along the same lines to solve it’s economic problems.
We’re really not much better, constantly jumping into wars across the globe to protect some “interest.” The whole middle east mess is pretty much our fault. Not Bush’s fault, our fault. We were all too busy looking for someone to blame, and get revenge on, to worry about whether we were actually attacking the right people. Of course, we’ve been messing with the people in the middle east for generations. Heck, we’ve destroyed whole governments. 9/11 is child’s play compared to what we’ve done to them in the name of protecting our “economic interests.” What goes around, comes around. Piss in your neighbor’s pool and don’t be surprised if he throws rocks through your windows.
The real point here is the incredible arrogance and hubris that these people have to think that they can foresee and control the results of messing with thinks on such a large scale. History is full of examples of people who engineered their own demise through greed. When I say history, I mean everything from ancient Egypt to last year. And I do mean greed, because everything always comes back to greed. Every political and economic disaster can be linked back to someone wanting more. More power, more land, more money, and they were willing to take any risk to get it. It’s a historic truism that any economic/political system, left to it’s on devices, free of outside limitations, will destroy itself in a relatively few generations through exploitation-to-exhaustion of the very resources it needs to survive.
You’d think that people would be smarter than that, but, it only takes two generations, at most, for a sense of entitlement to set in that won’t allow the people in charge to understand that their situation is unsustainable.
Think you’re too smart to fall for that? Wake up buddy, look around you: Every news report talks about job growth, economic growth and earnings growth as though it’s the only thing keeping us afloat. So, now tell me: How can anything grow forever? And if it can’t, how does this system of our survive? Face it, our system is no better than any of the others throughout the world and throughout the world. We have always depended on expendable resources to fuel our prosperity, but now, every time we try and grab more we find that we’re stepping on someone else’s toes. And they don’t like it.
So here we are. We can continue down this path until environmental destruction and economic collapse forces us to stop, or we can make the hard choices to turn our system around. Choices that business don’t want to make because it will cut into profits, and shareholders don’t like that. That politicians don’t want to make, because they are paid by the companies, and that voters don’t want to make because they either shareholders and/or are scared by those very same companies. The thing is, can you think for yourself? Can you take the time to read the evidence, all the evidence, not just the well-funded ads, and make up your own mind? Things around the world are getting pretty tense, and they’re not going to get any better if we keep on doing what we’ve always done, because, duh, that’s how we got here!
And, finally, can you stop giving all your power to someone else? Can you consider the idea that being elected doesn’t make you an expert in politics, foreign policy, economics, labor relations, or the environment? Sure, he may be a really nice guy and agrees with you on everything, but does that mean he knows enough engineering to prevent the levies from breaking and flooding your house the next big storm? Does he know enough about bookkeeping to really know that the budget he’s voting for is based on more than feel-good wishful thinking? We have a tendency to vote for people who tell us what we want to hear. Call me crazy, but I would rather hear the truth, even if I don’t like it, than be disappointed, yet again, by a sugar-coated, it’s-all-their-fault, lie.
Friday, June 12, 2015
An Old Pickup
I’ve been driving an old pickup that I’m borrowing from my father-in-law. Very old school. It’s really not all that old, but it feels like an antique. I mean, hand crank windows, no air conditioning, light doors that feel flimsy, headlights that don’t turn off automatically, manual transmission, and steering that is very, and I mean very, heavy. I think it has to do with the fancy wide wheels some former owner put on it. It’s nearly impossible to make any kind of sharp turn at low speed. It feels like I’m going to pull something in my shoulder! I’ve been driving it around for about a week now because I’m getting a few chairs for my practice and I need something to haul them in.
I headed out the other day to Hayward for a meeting with Abode Services, where I’m hoping to volunteer as a hypnotherapist. And it was raining. My first hint that I needed to be careful was when the truck fishtailed when I pulled out on the main road. I didn’t think I was going that fast. Then, I realized was that the wipers don’t work all that well. Fun. Just like my old Triumph. At thing point, I’m driving pretty carefully, at least I thought I was, until I tried to slow down for a left turn and all four wheels locked up causing me to slide into the intersection. Fortunately there was no cross traffic.
Well, long story short, I made it there and back without further incident, stopping on way back at a thrift shop that I had been meaning to visit anyway. I found a good chair there, for only seven bucks! Such a deal. It’s in pretty good shape but the wood’s a little tired. But, with a little refinishing and some upholstery cleaner, it should look nearly new. If I could find another like it, I’d be in really good shape.
Anyway, shopping today for some trip items. It’s funny how your perspective changes when you’ve been out of work for over a year. (I have a little money coming in from my practice, which is a nice feeling, but it’s not nearly enough to break even.) So I can’t help but wince a little inside whenever I have to buy something. I’ve never really felt like I had a lot of money, even when I was making six-figures, but then, if I needed something that cost less that $20, I didn’t worry about it much. Now, every dollar I spend reminds me of my student days when I had to make every penny count. Things looked up after I started working in computing, with steadily increasing salaries, but with the house and kids, expenses always seemed to track income. I always felt like I was struggling to keep up and put something away.
Driving that old pickup brings it all back. That rusty, noisy, stuffy, uncomfortable, truck with a cracked windshield, dirty, worn upholstery and windows I don’t get around to cleaning properly, makes me feel broke again. I’ve gotten a little tired of the whole Fix It and Make Do ethic. Let someone else do it now. It used to be so much fun and I was so proud that I did all the work myself, until I realized that nobody cares. I don’t get any merit badges or kudos or recognition for all my sweaty hours on the garage floor. Nothing at all.
The same thing about the house. I have saved a ton of money over the years, not to mention the time saved by not having to wait around for a professional to show up, on all kinds of home repairs and improvements, but so what? I suppose I get it, it’s expected. My family has never known anything different. Things just always work, and on those rare occasions when something does happen, it’s fixed quickly, without any fuss. It would have been nice if someone in my family wanted to be more self-sufficient in this way, then I could have taught them, and they would have some idea of what it takes to keep houses, cars, computers and all the other technology around us functioning every day. As it is, my work is pretty much taken for granted.
We very much have a “throw away” culture, encouraged by industry, to discard and replace, rather then fix. I have noticed, when talking to people, that it’s considered a status symbol to throw stuff away. I realize that, in their eyes, working in my yard, fixing my car and even washing my car, marks me as less “successful”.
That is the real culture shock of growing up in this valley. I grew valuing frugality and I’m surrounded by conspicuous consumption. And it’s not just the way people behave, it’s the way products and services are designed and marketed that subtly force you replace things more often than you’d like. Almost without realizing it, I find myself buying into this when I discover that the costs and difficulty of repair make it not worth the trouble. (It doesn’t help that my wife insists, for instance, that any old car must be unreliable simply because it’s old.) In my world, it was a badge of honor to fix your own appliances. Now people clear their throats and change the subject when I talk about it, clearly wondering why I just don’t buy a new one. And pay someone to install it.
I am who I am, and that’s no going to change. Even in this age of digital, disposable, everything, there are plenty of ways to be more self-sufficient. If only for the convenience of it all. It wasn’t that long ago that I was at a get-together where one of the women had a flat tire and AAA was going to take an hour to arrive. I changed her tire, even though she seemed a bit hesitant to let me try. It was almost as though she was shocked that anyone would want to do it.
Waiting around for an hour for someone to do something that you can do yourself in ten minutes, and then pay them for it, is a concept I will never be comfortable with. I can put up with being waited on, when necessary, but I want to be allowed and able to do for myself, cultural differences not withstanding.
I headed out the other day to Hayward for a meeting with Abode Services, where I’m hoping to volunteer as a hypnotherapist. And it was raining. My first hint that I needed to be careful was when the truck fishtailed when I pulled out on the main road. I didn’t think I was going that fast. Then, I realized was that the wipers don’t work all that well. Fun. Just like my old Triumph. At thing point, I’m driving pretty carefully, at least I thought I was, until I tried to slow down for a left turn and all four wheels locked up causing me to slide into the intersection. Fortunately there was no cross traffic.
Well, long story short, I made it there and back without further incident, stopping on way back at a thrift shop that I had been meaning to visit anyway. I found a good chair there, for only seven bucks! Such a deal. It’s in pretty good shape but the wood’s a little tired. But, with a little refinishing and some upholstery cleaner, it should look nearly new. If I could find another like it, I’d be in really good shape.
Anyway, shopping today for some trip items. It’s funny how your perspective changes when you’ve been out of work for over a year. (I have a little money coming in from my practice, which is a nice feeling, but it’s not nearly enough to break even.) So I can’t help but wince a little inside whenever I have to buy something. I’ve never really felt like I had a lot of money, even when I was making six-figures, but then, if I needed something that cost less that $20, I didn’t worry about it much. Now, every dollar I spend reminds me of my student days when I had to make every penny count. Things looked up after I started working in computing, with steadily increasing salaries, but with the house and kids, expenses always seemed to track income. I always felt like I was struggling to keep up and put something away.
Driving that old pickup brings it all back. That rusty, noisy, stuffy, uncomfortable, truck with a cracked windshield, dirty, worn upholstery and windows I don’t get around to cleaning properly, makes me feel broke again. I’ve gotten a little tired of the whole Fix It and Make Do ethic. Let someone else do it now. It used to be so much fun and I was so proud that I did all the work myself, until I realized that nobody cares. I don’t get any merit badges or kudos or recognition for all my sweaty hours on the garage floor. Nothing at all.
The same thing about the house. I have saved a ton of money over the years, not to mention the time saved by not having to wait around for a professional to show up, on all kinds of home repairs and improvements, but so what? I suppose I get it, it’s expected. My family has never known anything different. Things just always work, and on those rare occasions when something does happen, it’s fixed quickly, without any fuss. It would have been nice if someone in my family wanted to be more self-sufficient in this way, then I could have taught them, and they would have some idea of what it takes to keep houses, cars, computers and all the other technology around us functioning every day. As it is, my work is pretty much taken for granted.
We very much have a “throw away” culture, encouraged by industry, to discard and replace, rather then fix. I have noticed, when talking to people, that it’s considered a status symbol to throw stuff away. I realize that, in their eyes, working in my yard, fixing my car and even washing my car, marks me as less “successful”.
That is the real culture shock of growing up in this valley. I grew valuing frugality and I’m surrounded by conspicuous consumption. And it’s not just the way people behave, it’s the way products and services are designed and marketed that subtly force you replace things more often than you’d like. Almost without realizing it, I find myself buying into this when I discover that the costs and difficulty of repair make it not worth the trouble. (It doesn’t help that my wife insists, for instance, that any old car must be unreliable simply because it’s old.) In my world, it was a badge of honor to fix your own appliances. Now people clear their throats and change the subject when I talk about it, clearly wondering why I just don’t buy a new one. And pay someone to install it.
I am who I am, and that’s no going to change. Even in this age of digital, disposable, everything, there are plenty of ways to be more self-sufficient. If only for the convenience of it all. It wasn’t that long ago that I was at a get-together where one of the women had a flat tire and AAA was going to take an hour to arrive. I changed her tire, even though she seemed a bit hesitant to let me try. It was almost as though she was shocked that anyone would want to do it.
Waiting around for an hour for someone to do something that you can do yourself in ten minutes, and then pay them for it, is a concept I will never be comfortable with. I can put up with being waited on, when necessary, but I want to be allowed and able to do for myself, cultural differences not withstanding.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Something Happened...
Something happened when I was five years old. We were living in Wayland, Massachusetts at the time. The time was about 1960, and that area was pretty close to rural. At least what seem rural to me now: no sidewalks or gutters, lots of open space with trees, and few houses. Stores were far away, at least it seemed that way to a five-year-old, and fences, when they existed at all, were purely decorative.
Those were the days when us kids were free to wander pretty much wherever we liked and mom hollered out the back door at dinner time. As the youngest of four, I usually had someone around, but I don't remember hanging out with my brothers much. I did have a best friend next door, Jeffery, and other kids in houses up the road that I played with.
We went back there some years ago, and it's much more suburban than it was. No real surprise there. It just seems so much more crowded with houses jammed into every free space, and eight foot fences replacing the split-rail ones I remember. It seems like all the houses have been added onto, enlarged, enhanced. The More bug nibbling away at open space that remains. I noticed that he breezeway where we played hockey on the game set that my dad had salvaged from the dump is now a Solar room complete with dining table. West coast Big infecting east coast modesty.
I those days, us kids found it just as easy to walk through backyards as down the street. And that seems my main memories, rarely seeing the front doors and any of my friends houses. I guess we were like water, flowing to our destinations by the path of least resistance, or the path more fun, or whatever struck our fancy at the time.
Jeffery was younger than me. I think he had an older brother, but I'm not clear about that. There were some girls up the way as well. There was one about my age, and I've seen pictures and have a few memories of a "gang," but I don't know more than that. We moved to California the year I turned six. I was born late in the year and was small for my age, so I had just finished kindergarten. (I don't think "preschool" existed yet.)
Something happened that last year in Massachusetts that I still don't remember. But what I do remember has begun to puzzle me, and I'm beginning to wonder how many of those memories are not what they seem. Do I dig or just let them be?
Those were the days when us kids were free to wander pretty much wherever we liked and mom hollered out the back door at dinner time. As the youngest of four, I usually had someone around, but I don't remember hanging out with my brothers much. I did have a best friend next door, Jeffery, and other kids in houses up the road that I played with.
We went back there some years ago, and it's much more suburban than it was. No real surprise there. It just seems so much more crowded with houses jammed into every free space, and eight foot fences replacing the split-rail ones I remember. It seems like all the houses have been added onto, enlarged, enhanced. The More bug nibbling away at open space that remains. I noticed that he breezeway where we played hockey on the game set that my dad had salvaged from the dump is now a Solar room complete with dining table. West coast Big infecting east coast modesty.
I those days, us kids found it just as easy to walk through backyards as down the street. And that seems my main memories, rarely seeing the front doors and any of my friends houses. I guess we were like water, flowing to our destinations by the path of least resistance, or the path more fun, or whatever struck our fancy at the time.
Jeffery was younger than me. I think he had an older brother, but I'm not clear about that. There were some girls up the way as well. There was one about my age, and I've seen pictures and have a few memories of a "gang," but I don't know more than that. We moved to California the year I turned six. I was born late in the year and was small for my age, so I had just finished kindergarten. (I don't think "preschool" existed yet.)
Something happened that last year in Massachusetts that I still don't remember. But what I do remember has begun to puzzle me, and I'm beginning to wonder how many of those memories are not what they seem. Do I dig or just let them be?
Friday, June 5, 2015
Question of the Day
Where is that old Yankee, Can Do spirit? The idea that you do whatever it takes to reach your goal, solve the problem, be a success? You certainly hear a lot about it in business meeting and success seminars, but where is it really?
In my career, I have worked at a lot of companies. Once upon a time, that was a sign that I was some kind of flake. But in Silicon Valley, knowing when to pick up and move on is the key to staying fully employed for thirty years. There is one thing that all the companies I have worked for have in common: They no longer exist, at least not under the same name.
What I have seen is that “Whatever it takes,” really means “Whatever it takes, within our comfort zone.” Sometimes it’s called “playing to your strengths,” but all too often justifies tackling all problems and challenges in the same old way, and with the same tools, that you’ve always used.
“Think out of the box” has become such a cliche that we’ve forgotten what it actually means. I wonder if most of us ever really understood what it means, I know I didn’t. That’s because there’s no “box” out there to bang your head against, no barrier of wood or stone, built by someone else, that keeps you from where you want to be. Instead, the “box” consists of skills and feelings. Skills you don’t have and feelings you don’t want to feel.
There is a story about how to train fleas for a flea circus: You put them in a box with a transparent lid. At first, they will constantly jump and hit the lid, but after a while, they learn to not jump so high and stop hitting the lid. The amazing part is, you can then remove the lid and they still won’t jump high enough to get out of the box. That is the modern tech worker and executive. We’ve all been trained for so long to not fail, to not look bad, make a mistake or be embarrassed, that we’ve forgotten that we can jump higher. In fact, we’ve been trained so well that we are only vaguely aware that there is a box. So, the question of the day is: How do you “think outside the box,” when the “box” is all you know?
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