Now I Get It

Sometimes it takes me awhile to really understand what I’m been hearing. For years I have been processing out beliefs by following phrases, or feelings and memories that leads to phrases, that I can then use to release the emotions associated with them. I have been doing that for so long that I seem to have virtually every last one. That’s what it feels like sometimes. The other day it finally hit me that the energy that can set up residence in my body doesn’t necessarily have any words attached to it!

This came up around discomfort in my neck. What I always thought was funny about it was that it only bothered me when I was meditating. For may years, it was there all the time, worse when I was under stress, but for the past several years it had almost completely disappeared. Yes, I had used all the tools I had on it, but nothing would make it stay away. It was a slippery beast until the lightbulb went on and I tried processing it as pure feeling. Then I made real progress.

When you get into habits, it hard to break them, and this was no different. I was difficult to process, I kept, instinctively “reaching” for some words to invoke the feeling, rather than just letting the feeling invoke itself. That sounds odd. It was like diving into a pool of pure experience where I had to resist the impulse to let the voice in my head talk about and describe what was happening. That pulled me out of the experience.

I’m just realizing now that I probably couldn’t have done this process before. It’s taken me this long to be able to quiet my mind, to a sufficient degree for this idea to work. You get what you get when you’re ready to get it, not before.

My life has been tough lately, and sleep doesn’t always come easy. I’ve been using specific meditation techniques to turn off the jabbering in my head and allow me to sleep. It helps a lot, but there is still something going on inside my head that I don’t understand, so I have to use it over and over each night. I have realized that when I thought that I wasn’t sleeping, I was actually falling asleep and waking up, over and over each night, and, each time I had to go through the whole process all over again. When I didn’t realize that, it seemed like the whole exercise was pointless. The question now is, why do I keep waking up anxious, over and over again? Is there something going on in my dreams that brings it all back up? I was thinking about this last night and early this morning, and I noticed that something did seem to be going on, on a deeper level that I could only just get a peek at.

All in all these are more questions for another time. Every time I figure something out, it leads to more questions and more things to deal with. It seems endless, but when I find myself talking to someone and realize where they are and notice how far I’ve come, it makes it somewhat better.

Christmas Day Reflections, 2015

Christmas day I was sitting in the same room where I spent every Christmas day for the past 30-odd years: The living room of my now ex-in-law’s house. A lot of things have changed here, the place has been redecorated at least twice, and rearranged more times than that. It’s easier to say what’s the same than the differences. The old piano, sitting in the same spot it has always sat, as far as I know. The small bookcase, also unmoved, but the old books it held for most of that time are now gone. They included something by Bob Hope and a book by or about Nixon.

I notice the fireplace, like I always do. 60’s modern brickwork and a mantle that warped noticeably, sometime in the distant past, and was never fixed. I look at the gaps ever year between the top and the sides and wonder why Jack never got around to fixing it.

None of the other relatives showed up. That’s not new, we’ve been the only ones at most holidays for some years now. So, in place of a tree, they had an artificial evergreen in a plastic pot with some decorations on it. I arrived late so it took me a while to realize that’s what it was. I suppose with nobody coming, there were no presents for grandchildren, so, why tree? Makes sense to me, but a little sad just the same.

This first Christmas after the divorce could have been really awkward, but wasn’t. In a way it was a little more heartfelt for the difference. It wasn’t just an obligatory holiday to survive. We were actually paying attention to each other and listening. At least I was. And I seemed to notice a difference from in-laws as well. That made it more relaxed and easy than any other holiday in my memory. It didn’t hurt that it was the first time in weeks that I didn’t have anything I felt I should be doing. The past few months have been filled with divorce stuff, finding a new place to live and establishing myself as a independent person again. A lot harder than it looks, believe me. It doesn’t help that a lot has changed since I was last single. Cellphone and internet make a huge difference, and now I have a hybrid car, and I need a place to plug it in. That’s a requirement/problem that didn’t exist a few decades ago. Anyway, in the evening I found myself dozing on the couch, to Dr Who reruns, finally relaxed.

On the way home, I thought that I would feel the loneliness set in, but what I felt instead was peace. For too long now, holidays have been about being and doing where and what you’re supposed to. Then doing your best to deal with the differences and conflicts and conversational games without getting drawn in. Going home by myself was a relief, the day was quiet and I didn’t have to take a. I’m sure that other feelings will set in, over time, but right now I’m too busy to allow them in. It almost feels like I’m holding my breath. I don’t have time to feel stuff, there’s just too much to deal with, too many decisions to make. Someday soon, I’m sure it will all come down on me, when I have time to let go, but for now I need to just keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, step by step into my new life.