Getting Noticed

We just got home from our trip, we were gone a month to Norway and the UK. Not really my choice: If totally left to me, I would have stayed home, but was persuaded to go, and my instincts said I would get something out of it, so I went.

I suppose I did realize a few things, and maybe start to create some things Hard to know, but I think that some of the results will show up down the road. For me, it was mostly about being with people. I notice people so much more these days. I used to be so wrapped up in my own thoughts, feelings and worries that I had a really difficult time understanding what was going on with others. And now that I see what’s they’re all up to, I can’t help but wonder what all the fuss was about. What was I so afraid of?

The next thing I noticed about myself is that the monuments and places didn’t mean all that much to me any more. I just don’t seem to care about traveling that much any more. The first few times, it was cool and exciting, but now it’s generally uncomfortable, everything is different that it’s a constant to adapt. You always have to be a bit careful and you are always having to make decisions without all the information you’d like. It’s not a huge deal, but, after while it just wears you down and you just wish you could eat something familiar, sleep in a bed you like, or use a shower that doesn’t have some odd quirk. It’s so hard to find a place or the time to unwind. You’re always on the clock, needing to be somewhere or do something. And, if you’re not, you feel like you should be. You’re only there for a short time so I feel guilty just sitting around. I should be out, doing something.

After a trip or two, I got over the whole “it’s so cool to be in another country” thing. After that, I just wanted to blend in and act like a local. That put a lot more pressure on me to learn to speak and act like everybody else. Ug. This time, something interesting hit me when we were hanging out in the UK, it occurred to me that most of the people around us were tourists like us, and didn’t have a clue that we were American, or even not from the UK. Even when we were walking down streets in London or Dublin, nobody had a clue until we opened our mouths. Even then they didn’t seem so sure, other than the fact that they knew that we “weren’t from around here.” And, when the subject came up, everyone we talked to seemed to think it was cool. That’s a pretty odd feeling for me, but there it is. So it seems that most of the people you see or interact with overseas, on a casual basis, probably don’t realize that you’re from the US, and, if they do, they like the idea and want to hear more about it.

People really are the same everywhere. People in every country complain about their governments, and for mostly the same reasons. Sure, the details and the politics differ, but the overall feeling of being left out of the system seems universal. All people seem to have the same concerns about money, work, traffic, family, and the future. The challenges are different in every country, and the rules are different, but, at the end of the day, we all want the same things and we all need to work just as hard to get them. In each country, some things are easier, but other things are harder, so it all balances out in the end.

I learned, or perhaps recognized, a few things about myself too. I used to really be interested in architecture and history. Not so much any more. Now I’m mostly just interested in the really ancient stuff, and, even then, I mostly think about the people and what it was like to live then. I think I would have liked to hang out the choir people more, but Courtney and Jackie pretty much kept to themselves most of the time, so I needed to abandon them to get any face time with the rest of the group. I couldn’t do that a lot. And I couldn’t ever completely forget about the things that I had waiting for me when we got back.

I’ve been officially “out of work” for over a year now. That feels a bit strange. I’ve been living off saving and what little income I’ve been able to generate, but that may be coming to an end. This past year has been an important journey for me. I still don’t know if it’s over. I’ve learned about myself and have managed to change quite a bit. My attitudes about money and working have been transformed to the point where I’d like to have a job, but I’m not in a panic about it, or even concerned that much. Should I be? It feels like I ought to. I’m also not particularly worried about running out of money. It feels like I should be, and I certainly would have been climbing-the-walls desperate by this point a few years ago. But I’m not.

And another change is that I’m getting more and more comfortable talking about who I am and what I do. A lot of people don’t like it, but there you are. You hear plenty of stories about being who you are and standing up for what you believe, but it’s all theory until you do it yourself and start taking the flack for being different. It’s come home to me that I can’t do what I do, and help the people who really need it, without coming out and telling the world about the woo-woo stuff I believe in and deal with, on an almost daily basis. That’s an ongoing challenge that I suppose I will have to continue to deal with for a long time to come. Though, now that I think about it, I suppose that anyone that stands up for anything, anywhere, no matter how noble or unselfish the cause, will have people writing and saying nasty things about them, cutting them down, trying to hurt them or just gathering some attention for themselves. Since it happens to everybody, the only way to avoid it is to not get noticed. Since that’s really not a option anymore, I have to learn to accept the pot shots as what they are and not get too concerned about them. I know it seems different, and somehow more real, when it’s happening to me, but it’s really not that different from what happens to anyone else who stands up and get noticed in this world, for any reason.