What’s missing from this article is the fundamental reason why narcissists are so successful: Too many of us never learn what love and affection really looks and feels like. Too many of our families are emotionally detached, manipulative, dysfunctional, or just plain abusive. That’s the place we’re supposed to learn this stuff, so that’s what we learn that “love” is. Culture, popular and classical, is of no help either, because, as a rule, it only focuses only on passion, and the story ends before all the real work begins. If your family doesn’t teach you honest, unconditional affection, then it’s hard to learn it later. Not impossible, but damn difficult. I speak from experience.
Because of that, we are all to ready to accept an outward sign for proof of an inward reality. As Buddhist say, we mistake the finger for the moon. It doesn’t help that we have grown up seeing endless movies and TV shows where people act convincingly like their in love, when you know, for a fact, that they are not: They’re actors! Yet we love to be deceived. As long as someone can push our emotional buttons, we are happy to believe it’s “real,” when the sad truth is that our upbringing left us vulnerable and easily manipulated. When all you’ve known in your life are cold, untrustworthy people, then a warm, trusting person feels “wrong.” You don’t know what to do around them. So you run away, either because they are too weird or boring, or your insecurities drive you.
I don’t know if I have any solutions, but I have some tips: Notice! When you are with other people, notice how couples treat each other, when they’er together and when they’re apart. When I started doing this, I was shocked at how badly people treated their partners. It didn’t matter how young or old they were or how long they were married. It wasn’t super bad, just the amount of subtle disrespect, or the way they never seemed to talk to each other, or managed to be in the same room at the same time. Think about it, does this seem normal to you?
Over time, I began to notice instances of real affection. In some cases that surprised me, for the couple hadn’t seemed all the close to me. But then I noticed little things, a touch of a hand, a solicitous comment, a small private joke, always subtle. Stuff you could easily miss, if you weren’t looking for it. You won’t find love in the grand gestures, but in the everyday. After watching, and learning, for a while, I started really thinking about what would, realistically, make me happy to have, on a day-in, day-out basis. The results were…surprising. They weren’t what I grew up with, weren’t what I initially thought they might be, will probably be different for everyone, and likely will have little to do with how things will actually be for me, when and if, I find another serious relationship.
My second tip is to take your time. I know this flies in the face of the romantic ideal, and a lot of social pressures, but there’s good reason for it. A narcissist will want to rush you into something, so making them wait a year, or more, will frustrate them into leaving or will give them time to show their true colors. Heck, just stating this intention can be enough to cause many of them to flee. This also gives you a chance to get over the initial infatuation, and be able to judge the situation more objectively. What’s really so wrong with dating for a year or two, without any commitments? I’m talking legal and financial commitments here, not that you should remain a virgin until you’re married!
Finally, be willing to walk away. All the tips and red flags in the world won’t help you if you are too emotionally invested in the narcissist’s fantasy to leave before they’ve stripped you financially and emotionally. Which is why narcissists will always be “successful,” and always have “customers.” Until we create a world where everyone has a loving, secure and safe childhood, there will always be people who are willing to risk almost anything for a fantasy of love, and people willing to supply it.
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