Today I decided to explore the source of an on-going issue with another person. The other day I noticed that it seemed to go back a along way, and it came to a head yesterday, when I felt that I just couldn't stand any more of their negativity. An then, this morning, it all came up again while I was reading the text book for my next class. So it seemed appropriate to do a personal regression to look into where all that angst came from, and I found the Old West.
I first saw myself as a boy, about 10 years old, in a classic western saloon, in a hot, dusty, town. I had on boots, pants, a shirt and a vest. Nothing fancy, just standard garb for the time. I was sitting at an empty table, waiting for someone. It was about midmorning, judging by the light, and the place was pretty much empty and completely quiet, except for some conversation, too low for me to make out. I just stared at the table, knowing I was in trouble, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The next thing that happens is my father arrives. He is big, dark and threatening, and fills the doorway. He may have been wearing a dark shirt or I just saw him that way. In any case I was very scared. From my point of view, he was mean and unreasonable, and beat me. I had no idea what I was going to do. There was no way out.
In the next scene, it's now dark. I was staring at the wood floor, in what was probably the same saloon. But it's now filled with people, hot and sweaty, and they are all laughing at me. In an nasty way. My father is at the bar making all kinds of cruel jokes about me and making them laugh. I hated him. I was still seated at an empty table, head down, shoulders hunched, filled with rage, feeling betrayed but not really surprised.
Then it's morning again, and we are on our way back to our ranch. My father kicks me out of the wagon and tells me to walk the rest of the way. He says nothing else. It's a long way. Later, it's mid afternoon, it's extremely hot and I'm just standing, staring out at the horizon, not thinking. There seem to be bluffs behind me, but where I'm looking it's completely flat to the horizon, except for a thin rock spire. It could be small and close or large and distant. I can't tell.
My mind is completely blank. I just stare and feel at peace with everything and have no need to do anything but just stand there. After a while, everything starts to slowly fade to white, and the next thing I see is my body, sprawled face-up on the ground, eyes open, staring at nothing, as though I'd just fallen backwards. Then the body grew smaller and smaller as white closed in from the edges until there was nothing but white.
Looking back on that lifetime, I noticed that my father was the person I'm having issues with. I also got that the purpose of the lifetime was to learn trust. In that life I saw things and knew things that most people didn't, and I wanted to help people. My father told me to keep quiet about it, but I didn't listen and that got me into big trouble with the townspeople. My father didn't like my gifts any better than everybody else, but he did his best to defuse the situation by making me into a harmless, bumbling fool, rather than an instrument of the devil. His punishment, for disobeying his orders to shutup, was to walk home. But I suppose that he didn't realize that being shut up in town overnight without food or water had left me too weak to make it back.
Did this help? Well, I feel somewhat less upset about the whole business. My feelings have changed, somewhat, but there is still some residual anger. I'm going to need to spend more time on this, for I suspect that there is more to the story than just this one lifetime. I have more history to uncover before I'll be able to be a peace with it all.
Nobody said that growth was easy or fun, but the rewards are great and the alternative is to remain stuck in the same old cycles of resentment and revenge, forever.
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