Christmas day I was sitting in the same room where I spent every Christmas day for the past 30-odd years: The living room of my now ex-in-law’s house. A lot of things have changed here, the place has been redecorated at least twice, and rearranged more times than that. It’s easier to say what’s the same than the differences. The old piano, sitting in the same spot it has always sat, as far as I know. The small bookcase, also unmoved, but the old books it held for most of that time are now gone. They included something by Bob Hope and a book by or about Nixon.
I notice the fireplace, like I always do. 60’s modern brickwork and a mantle that warped noticeably, sometime in the distant past, and was never fixed. I look at the gaps ever year between the top and the sides and wonder why Jack never got around to fixing it.
None of the other relatives showed up. That’s not new, we’ve been the only ones at most holidays for some years now. So, in place of a tree, they had an artificial evergreen in a plastic pot with some decorations on it. I arrived late so it took me a while to realize that’s what it was. I suppose with nobody coming, there were no presents for grandchildren, so, why tree? Makes sense to me, but a little sad just the same.
This first Christmas after the divorce could have been really awkward, but wasn’t. In a way it was a little more heartfelt for the difference. It wasn’t just an obligatory holiday to survive. We were actually paying attention to each other and listening. At least I was. And I seemed to notice a difference from in-laws as well. That made it more relaxed and easy than any other holiday in my memory. It didn’t hurt that it was the first time in weeks that I didn’t have anything I felt I should be doing. The past few months have been filled with divorce stuff, finding a new place to live and establishing myself as a independent person again. A lot harder than it looks, believe me. It doesn’t help that a lot has changed since I was last single. Cellphone and internet make a huge difference, and now I have a hybrid car, and I need a place to plug it in. That’s a requirement/problem that didn’t exist a few decades ago. Anyway, in the evening I found myself dozing on the couch, to Dr Who reruns, finally relaxed.
On the way home, I thought that I would feel the loneliness set in, but what I felt instead was peace. For too long now, holidays have been about being and doing where and what you’re supposed to. Then doing your best to deal with the differences and conflicts and conversational games without getting drawn in. Going home by myself was a relief, the day was quiet and I didn’t have to take a. I’m sure that other feelings will set in, over time, but right now I’m too busy to allow them in. It almost feels like I’m holding my breath. I don’t have time to feel stuff, there’s just too much to deal with, too many decisions to make. Someday soon, I’m sure it will all come down on me, when I have time to let go, but for now I need to just keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, step by step into my new life.
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