Dealing with loss.
I’m finding that the most difficult thing to deal with after divorce, is the hole that is left where all the “stuff” used to be. In any loss, there is stuff you miss and stuff you are all to happy to see gone. But once it is gone, you have a large blank spot in your life that needs filling. Sure, it’s tempting for me to drink, or binge watch TV, hide in books, or find other meaningless things to fill my time, but I need to face the fact that the time is now empty, and I, sooner or later, will build a new life to fill it.
To be sure, most of that time was filled with time-wasting stuff like TV, and Facebook, and going out just so we don’t have to stay in, so much of what is gone had no real value. But the real point was that I wasn’t alone. There is a lot to be said for not being alone. That part is a loss.
My central issue here is that I never really had a life outside of my family. I was always nervous about meeting people and having friends, so I mooched off of my spouse for friends, family and social time. All of those disappeared after we went our separate ways. Fortunately, for the few years I have been cultivating a life outside of my marriage. It’s almost as if i knew what was coming and I was practicing my “me” skills. Learning to have relationships and be somebody other than “husband” and “dad.”
Reviving my interest in theater was a good idea. I met a lot of people, and, thanks to Facebook, have managed to remain in contact with a few. I miss theater, but my schedule doesn’t allow me to do it any more. Perhaps later I can come back to it. But I find it’s the people and the doing that I miss, not the performing so much. Starting my business also forced me to meet a lot more people, and I find that I like meeting new people. I used to hate it, but I guess that’s a part of me that has changed over the years.
I also notice that I don’t expect much from the people I meet. I used to invest so much in each relationship, no matter how casual, and be angry and disappointed when the dedication wasn’t returned. I was also deathly afraid of the “wrong” relationships. I’m not quite sure what that means now, but I had to stay away from certain people, at any cost. Maybe it had something to do with my fear of becoming “hooked” somehow, so I needed to only hang out with “safe” people, who I didn’t care about so they couldn’t hurt me. Much. In the process I avoided anyone I much actually care for, or worse, might care for me. Which brings up a huge difference that I’m having to deal with: I have no idea how to have a close relationship where I’m not hiding and playing manipulation games. I learned how to have casual friendships, but I don’t know what anything else would look like now. I afraid of what dating might look like because I don’t want anyone getting attached to me while I’m in this state. Or maybe I’ve just haven’t met anyone I want to date or hang out with on a more that a casual basis.
The thing is, I’m in a transition. I keep wanting it to be over, transitions are a process and I’ve just got to let it happen. The say the life’s a journey, not a destination. What I’m going through now is part of my perpetual process of change. I certainly don’t want to be stuck where I am and say “Stick a fork in me, I’m done!” But I can’t help being nervous about no knowing where I’m going to end up, or when. That’s the nature of the beast, but I don’t have to like it much. I know I’ll look back on this time and I’m sure it will make fodder for a good story, but do I have to live through it? Big transitions are like adventures, they’re great things to happen long ago to someone else. It’s called something else when it’s happening right now, to me.
I’m actually surprised to find that I like my new job. In the past four months I’ve made more friends than in the last 20. Sure the pay is tiny and the hours kinda suck, but I like the idea of having virtually no responsibility. Especially compared to what I used to have to worry about. I just show up, do my time, and go home. I’ve learned to keep myself busy, most of the time, so time actually passes fairly quickly. I generally like talking with customers, some can be real jerks, but others are great. The worst cases are those that are letting themselves in for a world of hurt or want to do something just plain illegal, (violating building safety codes) but they “know” what they are doing and you’re not going to talk them out of it. I just tell myself that I’m not responsible for them and let it go. Something that would have been downright impossible years ago.
Right now, the biggest blank I have to fill is, what do I do when I’m not working? I have a lot of free time on my hands and my living arrangements don’t leave a lot of options, other than going out. I’m spending a lot of time looking at houses, doing more reading, and spending more time at the library. I’ve asked for more hours at work, partly for the money and benefits, but also to fill my time. When I was young I resented every minute of work, I’m not sure why, and couldn’t wait to get home. Even if it just meant sitting alone in a cold room. Now I prefer work to being alone: at least I have people to talk to who know my name. Oddly I take comfort in that, at the same time wondering how so many of the other employees know my full name, when we’ve never been introduced and it’s not on my apron. Ah, one of those little mysteries of life. You know what? I don’t want to know, cause that would just take all the fun out of it. It doesn’t really matter anyway, what I really like is the fact that they take the trouble to do it. It makes me feel noticed, like I matter. A little. Isn’t that what life is all about? What is success for, if you don’t matter to someone?
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Christmas Day Reflections, 2015
Christmas day I was sitting in the same room where I spent every Christmas day for the past 30-odd years: The living room of my now ex-in-law’s house. A lot of things have changed here, the place has been redecorated at least twice, and rearranged more times than that. It’s easier to say what’s the same than the differences. The old piano, sitting in the same spot it has always sat, as far as I know. The small bookcase, also unmoved, but the old books it held for most of that time are now gone. They included something by Bob Hope and a book by or about Nixon.
I notice the fireplace, like I always do. 60’s modern brickwork and a mantle that warped noticeably, sometime in the distant past, and was never fixed. I look at the gaps ever year between the top and the sides and wonder why Jack never got around to fixing it.
None of the other relatives showed up. That’s not new, we’ve been the only ones at most holidays for some years now. So, in place of a tree, they had an artificial evergreen in a plastic pot with some decorations on it. I arrived late so it took me a while to realize that’s what it was. I suppose with nobody coming, there were no presents for grandchildren, so, why tree? Makes sense to me, but a little sad just the same.
This first Christmas after the divorce could have been really awkward, but wasn’t. In a way it was a little more heartfelt for the difference. It wasn’t just an obligatory holiday to survive. We were actually paying attention to each other and listening. At least I was. And I seemed to notice a difference from in-laws as well. That made it more relaxed and easy than any other holiday in my memory. It didn’t hurt that it was the first time in weeks that I didn’t have anything I felt I should be doing. The past few months have been filled with divorce stuff, finding a new place to live and establishing myself as a independent person again. A lot harder than it looks, believe me. It doesn’t help that a lot has changed since I was last single. Cellphone and internet make a huge difference, and now I have a hybrid car, and I need a place to plug it in. That’s a requirement/problem that didn’t exist a few decades ago. Anyway, in the evening I found myself dozing on the couch, to Dr Who reruns, finally relaxed.
On the way home, I thought that I would feel the loneliness set in, but what I felt instead was peace. For too long now, holidays have been about being and doing where and what you’re supposed to. Then doing your best to deal with the differences and conflicts and conversational games without getting drawn in. Going home by myself was a relief, the day was quiet and I didn’t have to take a. I’m sure that other feelings will set in, over time, but right now I’m too busy to allow them in. It almost feels like I’m holding my breath. I don’t have time to feel stuff, there’s just too much to deal with, too many decisions to make. Someday soon, I’m sure it will all come down on me, when I have time to let go, but for now I need to just keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, step by step into my new life.
I notice the fireplace, like I always do. 60’s modern brickwork and a mantle that warped noticeably, sometime in the distant past, and was never fixed. I look at the gaps ever year between the top and the sides and wonder why Jack never got around to fixing it.
None of the other relatives showed up. That’s not new, we’ve been the only ones at most holidays for some years now. So, in place of a tree, they had an artificial evergreen in a plastic pot with some decorations on it. I arrived late so it took me a while to realize that’s what it was. I suppose with nobody coming, there were no presents for grandchildren, so, why tree? Makes sense to me, but a little sad just the same.
This first Christmas after the divorce could have been really awkward, but wasn’t. In a way it was a little more heartfelt for the difference. It wasn’t just an obligatory holiday to survive. We were actually paying attention to each other and listening. At least I was. And I seemed to notice a difference from in-laws as well. That made it more relaxed and easy than any other holiday in my memory. It didn’t hurt that it was the first time in weeks that I didn’t have anything I felt I should be doing. The past few months have been filled with divorce stuff, finding a new place to live and establishing myself as a independent person again. A lot harder than it looks, believe me. It doesn’t help that a lot has changed since I was last single. Cellphone and internet make a huge difference, and now I have a hybrid car, and I need a place to plug it in. That’s a requirement/problem that didn’t exist a few decades ago. Anyway, in the evening I found myself dozing on the couch, to Dr Who reruns, finally relaxed.
On the way home, I thought that I would feel the loneliness set in, but what I felt instead was peace. For too long now, holidays have been about being and doing where and what you’re supposed to. Then doing your best to deal with the differences and conflicts and conversational games without getting drawn in. Going home by myself was a relief, the day was quiet and I didn’t have to take a. I’m sure that other feelings will set in, over time, but right now I’m too busy to allow them in. It almost feels like I’m holding my breath. I don’t have time to feel stuff, there’s just too much to deal with, too many decisions to make. Someday soon, I’m sure it will all come down on me, when I have time to let go, but for now I need to just keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, step by step into my new life.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Change Hurts
Change isn’t easy. Any change is a real pain in the butt. Even if you need it, even if it’s really necessary and you know it, It’s still a royal pain. It seems like it should be good, it should be really great to Get Past, to Be Free, to get “out from under,” but it’s still filled with petty problems and annoyances. Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to end, it seems like the goal will never get here, and, at the same time, I dread the looming deadlines. I want it to be over, but I don’t want to pass through all the crap that is between here and there.
Sometimes it’s not so bad. Other times I’m depressed: I want to cry, I can’t seem to focus and I want some routine to fill the time. Often, I just don’t want to think, and, sleep is hard. I suppose it’s the constant stress. I don’t know where I’m going and the prospects don’t look real good. Things are too expensive around here but I’d rather not move away. On the other hand, if you must, you must.
I managed to find some work, but that’s hard too. First of all, it’s a major step down from a 6-figure engineering job to Home Depot. My ego has some adjusting to do. And I’m not making enough to break even, I will have to continue to live off my savings. That hurts. It really brings home the debate about minimum wage. Years ago I could work jobs like this and make enough to get by, but now it’s hard to see how that’s possible, with rent and food and insurances constantly going up and wages have hardly changed in 30 years. I always got this point before, but now it’s more personal. All those years of minimum wage jobs used to be in the past, but now all that’s in my face again. I would have hoped that after 30 years, I would have earned some degree of choice in my life, but it seems like most of that is gone. All my choices lead to difficult outcomes.
My options were to stay in an unhappy marriage, with all it’s emotional frustrations and the endless “putting up with,” or to go it alone. With the kids gone, that means really alone. It doesn’t help that I let my wife define my social life for most of those years, not having any friends, or family, of my own. In the last few years, I have begun to change that, and now have a group of casual friends and acquaintances. Most of them have never met my soon-to-be ex, because she wasn’t interested in meeting them, being involved, or pretty much anything that’s important to me.
I made the mistake of letting her define who I was. I entered into this relationship so desperate for someone to like me that I was willing to put up with pretty much anything, thinking I could manage it. She took full advantage of that to try and remake me into, I don’t know, something acceptable to her and her friends, I suppose. I put up with a lot of it, because I thought that was what you do, that is what marriage is all about. You do things together and do your best to get along. It took me some time to figure out that I was on a never-ending path of subservience. It was a power game. I would never be good enough, there was nothing I could do to get the approval I needed to feel good about myself. No amount of success or doing or giving in would ever make things work.
For a long time, I would try to include her in my interests. At first, she acted interested, then, as time went on, she pulled away from all that. I thought that we should do things together, so that meant that I pulled away as well. It took me a long time to understand that I was erasing myself. We only hung out with her friends, her family, doing things that she wanted to do. The classic pattern of being under the thrall of a control freak. I know she has a different point of view here, of course, but this is my take, and I’m allowed to believe what I want, even if she doesn’t like it.
Various events and awakenings caused me to question the life we had. Not just my marriage, everything. I really tried to take her along, but she wasn’t and isn’t interested. I learned a lot from watching her and others along this journey. What I saw brought home the truth of something I’d heard when I first started. When I first began to understand the power that was available through breaking away from the common mold and awaking, I was told that you didn’t need to worry about the wrong kind of people gaining access to the kind of abilities that could make the dangerous, because their very nature would make that impossible. And then I watched, as this played out among all the people that I met on this path. Most of them interpreted the teachings and insights in terms of their existing world view, instead of changing their world view by accepting the teachings. I could see how that was limiting them and, in many cases, stopped them cold. That made me sorely question my own thoughts and actions. Was I going to use what I’d learned to further my agenda or was I going to adapt my agenda in light of what I had learned? This has been an on-going struggle. There are times when I feel like I’m doing a good job, and then I get slapped in the face with concrete evidence that I’m not being true to my values. I understand, intellectually, that this will be a process that will never end, but emotionally it hurts. I still want to “get it,” to understand, to “have it down” so I can feel like I’m “done.” But that’s never going to happen, and that really sticks in my craw.
My strong suit is to learn. That’s how I tackle every problem in life: I study to understand and accumulate facts. That works very well in any endeavor where knowing facts equals success. Unfortunately there aren’t too many of those in life. There’s always social stuff, the fuzzy subjects, that refuse to be reduced to facts and numbers and procedures. I’ve gotten that I need to face my fear in those areas of my life where I felt completely out of control. That it’s ok to not always be “in control.” Trying to control everything is what made my life miserable. It caused me to slowly back away from anything I couldn’t control, which is pretty much anything, so my life kept getting smaller and smaller. Giving that up is freedom, but it’s also really hard, which brings me back to where I started: Change is hard.
Things around me are changing. I have to change. I have to make decisions that will effect me for years to come and there’s no right or optimum answer. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the near future, and that keeps me on edge. Control is gone. People tell me when to work, where to be, what to do. My everyday choices seem to be evaporating while the hard choices won’t get done. I keep telling myself to trust and everything will fall into place, for the reality is that I can adapt, no matter what, but I don’t like it. I want there to be a clear path ahead of me that I know leads to the right place. Not having that hurts, physically and emotionally. I am starting to learn to reach out to friends for support, but it’s never enough and I’m always worried about using up their good will. So I ask as little as possible. I hate not knowing what to do when the situation is so important. Even meditation isn’t the comfort it was, probably another symptom of stress. I want to think this marks a transition, but, for now, it’s just one more unwelcome change.
I want to end this on a positive note, but I’m having trouble. I really wanted to write something and get this stuff out, but I’m having a hard time feeling the upside right now. There is one, I am sure, but it doesn’t feel that way now. I am so looking forward to having everything resolved and being on my own. I’m going to have to build a new life, boo, but that’s really the point of all this, isn’t it? They say you can’t cross a river in two jumps, and now I’ve gone as far as I can by just inching along, I either have to take that leap into the unknown, knowing that there is no going back, ever, or give up. I know I’ll look back on this, one day, and see it very differently, but for now, I’ve jumped and I don’t know where I’m going to land, and that friggn’ scares me.
Sometimes it’s not so bad. Other times I’m depressed: I want to cry, I can’t seem to focus and I want some routine to fill the time. Often, I just don’t want to think, and, sleep is hard. I suppose it’s the constant stress. I don’t know where I’m going and the prospects don’t look real good. Things are too expensive around here but I’d rather not move away. On the other hand, if you must, you must.
I managed to find some work, but that’s hard too. First of all, it’s a major step down from a 6-figure engineering job to Home Depot. My ego has some adjusting to do. And I’m not making enough to break even, I will have to continue to live off my savings. That hurts. It really brings home the debate about minimum wage. Years ago I could work jobs like this and make enough to get by, but now it’s hard to see how that’s possible, with rent and food and insurances constantly going up and wages have hardly changed in 30 years. I always got this point before, but now it’s more personal. All those years of minimum wage jobs used to be in the past, but now all that’s in my face again. I would have hoped that after 30 years, I would have earned some degree of choice in my life, but it seems like most of that is gone. All my choices lead to difficult outcomes.
My options were to stay in an unhappy marriage, with all it’s emotional frustrations and the endless “putting up with,” or to go it alone. With the kids gone, that means really alone. It doesn’t help that I let my wife define my social life for most of those years, not having any friends, or family, of my own. In the last few years, I have begun to change that, and now have a group of casual friends and acquaintances. Most of them have never met my soon-to-be ex, because she wasn’t interested in meeting them, being involved, or pretty much anything that’s important to me.
I made the mistake of letting her define who I was. I entered into this relationship so desperate for someone to like me that I was willing to put up with pretty much anything, thinking I could manage it. She took full advantage of that to try and remake me into, I don’t know, something acceptable to her and her friends, I suppose. I put up with a lot of it, because I thought that was what you do, that is what marriage is all about. You do things together and do your best to get along. It took me some time to figure out that I was on a never-ending path of subservience. It was a power game. I would never be good enough, there was nothing I could do to get the approval I needed to feel good about myself. No amount of success or doing or giving in would ever make things work.
For a long time, I would try to include her in my interests. At first, she acted interested, then, as time went on, she pulled away from all that. I thought that we should do things together, so that meant that I pulled away as well. It took me a long time to understand that I was erasing myself. We only hung out with her friends, her family, doing things that she wanted to do. The classic pattern of being under the thrall of a control freak. I know she has a different point of view here, of course, but this is my take, and I’m allowed to believe what I want, even if she doesn’t like it.
Various events and awakenings caused me to question the life we had. Not just my marriage, everything. I really tried to take her along, but she wasn’t and isn’t interested. I learned a lot from watching her and others along this journey. What I saw brought home the truth of something I’d heard when I first started. When I first began to understand the power that was available through breaking away from the common mold and awaking, I was told that you didn’t need to worry about the wrong kind of people gaining access to the kind of abilities that could make the dangerous, because their very nature would make that impossible. And then I watched, as this played out among all the people that I met on this path. Most of them interpreted the teachings and insights in terms of their existing world view, instead of changing their world view by accepting the teachings. I could see how that was limiting them and, in many cases, stopped them cold. That made me sorely question my own thoughts and actions. Was I going to use what I’d learned to further my agenda or was I going to adapt my agenda in light of what I had learned? This has been an on-going struggle. There are times when I feel like I’m doing a good job, and then I get slapped in the face with concrete evidence that I’m not being true to my values. I understand, intellectually, that this will be a process that will never end, but emotionally it hurts. I still want to “get it,” to understand, to “have it down” so I can feel like I’m “done.” But that’s never going to happen, and that really sticks in my craw.
My strong suit is to learn. That’s how I tackle every problem in life: I study to understand and accumulate facts. That works very well in any endeavor where knowing facts equals success. Unfortunately there aren’t too many of those in life. There’s always social stuff, the fuzzy subjects, that refuse to be reduced to facts and numbers and procedures. I’ve gotten that I need to face my fear in those areas of my life where I felt completely out of control. That it’s ok to not always be “in control.” Trying to control everything is what made my life miserable. It caused me to slowly back away from anything I couldn’t control, which is pretty much anything, so my life kept getting smaller and smaller. Giving that up is freedom, but it’s also really hard, which brings me back to where I started: Change is hard.
Things around me are changing. I have to change. I have to make decisions that will effect me for years to come and there’s no right or optimum answer. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the near future, and that keeps me on edge. Control is gone. People tell me when to work, where to be, what to do. My everyday choices seem to be evaporating while the hard choices won’t get done. I keep telling myself to trust and everything will fall into place, for the reality is that I can adapt, no matter what, but I don’t like it. I want there to be a clear path ahead of me that I know leads to the right place. Not having that hurts, physically and emotionally. I am starting to learn to reach out to friends for support, but it’s never enough and I’m always worried about using up their good will. So I ask as little as possible. I hate not knowing what to do when the situation is so important. Even meditation isn’t the comfort it was, probably another symptom of stress. I want to think this marks a transition, but, for now, it’s just one more unwelcome change.
I want to end this on a positive note, but I’m having trouble. I really wanted to write something and get this stuff out, but I’m having a hard time feeling the upside right now. There is one, I am sure, but it doesn’t feel that way now. I am so looking forward to having everything resolved and being on my own. I’m going to have to build a new life, boo, but that’s really the point of all this, isn’t it? They say you can’t cross a river in two jumps, and now I’ve gone as far as I can by just inching along, I either have to take that leap into the unknown, knowing that there is no going back, ever, or give up. I know I’ll look back on this, one day, and see it very differently, but for now, I’ve jumped and I don’t know where I’m going to land, and that friggn’ scares me.
Monday, September 28, 2015
The End of September
Now it is the end of September, the days are shorter and weather has been odd. Alternately hot, then muggy, with some spectacular sunrises and sunsets. I’m finding the reality of my situation is coming over me. Being alone didn’t bother me so much, but it seems like the grayness and general bla-ness of the weather is washing all the joy out of my outlook. My persistent lack of work and it’s attending lack of purpose is leaving me with nothing to get out of bed for in the morning. I want to stay optimistic, but there is so little color left and not a lot to look forward to.
Yesterday, a fellow practitioner sent me this note: ”Jealousy is fear. Release it today!” Sounded right to me. I sent back what I felt was a thoughtful answer, but later I realized that it was dismissive. Being honest is a never-ending challenge! I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I can trust myself to not dismiss and deflect the truth when it stares me in the face? I will soon find out if she calls me on it or not. Jealousy is a persistent issue for me whenever I read or hear about other people who have these great spiritual experiences. It makes me feel like a failure. It didn’t take much thinking to find myself back as a 6 year old, being so afraid of being left out, to the point of being excluded by the neighborhood kids because I was so whiney about it.
At any rate, the more I looked into it, the deeper the rabbit hole went. I went as far back in my memories as I could and I saw myself as a small, scared, child. I tried to imagine comforting him, but I couldn’t. I tried the technique of getting my mother to seem better by working with her as a child, but I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t ever picture my mother as happy and feeling safe. And I recognized that I have always been afraid, and I didn’t know what it felt like to not be afraid. Ever. It’s always there. It doesn’t matter what else is on top of it, or what I’m doing, there is always that undercurrent of what’s going to happen when it’s over. Whatever “it” is: The party, the job, the friendship, the marriage. I have tried, and still try, to hold my life in a death grip of control. I am sure that I will have security by keeping everything exactly as I want it. But even I can see how that doesn’t work. That line from Star Wars “The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems slip through your fingers,” sums it up nicely. The tighter you hang on, the less you have.
On the plus side, I can see that. I can see how letting go and dancing in the flow can bring joy. But then there is always the uncertainty. I’ve never been big on trust, of people, or circumstances. In the back of my mind there’s that knowing that I just need to let things be and continue to put out into the universe what I want to come back. And what I put out can not be out of control or neediness or desperation, because, if I do, that’s what I’ll get back. I has to be honesty, trust, friendship, acceptance, and, someday when I can manage it, love. And it has to be the real deal: Unselfish, non-judgmental, and accepting. Otherwise it’s just more of the same “make me feel better,” or “what’s in it for me,” crap I’ve been dealing with all my life. When I’m objective, I can see that I’m have made a lot of progress, I have a few genuine friends now, which is something I never allowed myself before. But on gray days like this, when the future looks bleak, it just doesn’t seem enough.
When I look at things objectively, there is no reason to think that I won’t be OK, at least for the next few years. But, somehow, a lack of purpose eats away at me. A job would give me a temporary respite from all of this, keeping me busy, allowing me to meet new people, giving me some cash and providing me a piece of stability over the next year, while I rebuild my life after the divorce. Funny how you never think it’s going to happen to you, until it does. What you have may not be great, but at least you have your future planned out and you know what’s going to happen. Then one day, the rug comes out and everything is up for grabs again.
People don’t talk about this stuff, and it’s too bad. Maybe we should have divorce parties and divorce magazines, “How to play the ultimate divorce!” And showers, or a combination garage sale and shower: The two new singles need stuff and they, usually, have a lot of stuff to get rid of. What if it was like a gift exchange? Friends bring in stuff needed to set up a single household, and take away stuff that the former couple no longer need or want. I suppose I should contact a divorce support group. I keep thinking about it, but I haven’t done anything yet.
As usual, writing this out has lifted the grey for now. When all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter if anyone reads this stuff or not, just writing it is an end in itself. It would be nice if this might be some comfort to someone else, or perhaps someone would like to send me a note of support. I’ll just see how that goes.
Yesterday, a fellow practitioner sent me this note: ”Jealousy is fear. Release it today!” Sounded right to me. I sent back what I felt was a thoughtful answer, but later I realized that it was dismissive. Being honest is a never-ending challenge! I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I can trust myself to not dismiss and deflect the truth when it stares me in the face? I will soon find out if she calls me on it or not. Jealousy is a persistent issue for me whenever I read or hear about other people who have these great spiritual experiences. It makes me feel like a failure. It didn’t take much thinking to find myself back as a 6 year old, being so afraid of being left out, to the point of being excluded by the neighborhood kids because I was so whiney about it.
At any rate, the more I looked into it, the deeper the rabbit hole went. I went as far back in my memories as I could and I saw myself as a small, scared, child. I tried to imagine comforting him, but I couldn’t. I tried the technique of getting my mother to seem better by working with her as a child, but I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t ever picture my mother as happy and feeling safe. And I recognized that I have always been afraid, and I didn’t know what it felt like to not be afraid. Ever. It’s always there. It doesn’t matter what else is on top of it, or what I’m doing, there is always that undercurrent of what’s going to happen when it’s over. Whatever “it” is: The party, the job, the friendship, the marriage. I have tried, and still try, to hold my life in a death grip of control. I am sure that I will have security by keeping everything exactly as I want it. But even I can see how that doesn’t work. That line from Star Wars “The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems slip through your fingers,” sums it up nicely. The tighter you hang on, the less you have.
On the plus side, I can see that. I can see how letting go and dancing in the flow can bring joy. But then there is always the uncertainty. I’ve never been big on trust, of people, or circumstances. In the back of my mind there’s that knowing that I just need to let things be and continue to put out into the universe what I want to come back. And what I put out can not be out of control or neediness or desperation, because, if I do, that’s what I’ll get back. I has to be honesty, trust, friendship, acceptance, and, someday when I can manage it, love. And it has to be the real deal: Unselfish, non-judgmental, and accepting. Otherwise it’s just more of the same “make me feel better,” or “what’s in it for me,” crap I’ve been dealing with all my life. When I’m objective, I can see that I’m have made a lot of progress, I have a few genuine friends now, which is something I never allowed myself before. But on gray days like this, when the future looks bleak, it just doesn’t seem enough.
When I look at things objectively, there is no reason to think that I won’t be OK, at least for the next few years. But, somehow, a lack of purpose eats away at me. A job would give me a temporary respite from all of this, keeping me busy, allowing me to meet new people, giving me some cash and providing me a piece of stability over the next year, while I rebuild my life after the divorce. Funny how you never think it’s going to happen to you, until it does. What you have may not be great, but at least you have your future planned out and you know what’s going to happen. Then one day, the rug comes out and everything is up for grabs again.
People don’t talk about this stuff, and it’s too bad. Maybe we should have divorce parties and divorce magazines, “How to play the ultimate divorce!” And showers, or a combination garage sale and shower: The two new singles need stuff and they, usually, have a lot of stuff to get rid of. What if it was like a gift exchange? Friends bring in stuff needed to set up a single household, and take away stuff that the former couple no longer need or want. I suppose I should contact a divorce support group. I keep thinking about it, but I haven’t done anything yet.
As usual, writing this out has lifted the grey for now. When all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter if anyone reads this stuff or not, just writing it is an end in itself. It would be nice if this might be some comfort to someone else, or perhaps someone would like to send me a note of support. I’ll just see how that goes.
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Darkness Inside
When I traded sessions, a while back, I got acquainted with my fears. Before that, I thought I knew what fear was, and what it felt like, but I have been learning a lot since then. I have discovered the many ways fear masquerades as something else: Often anger. It starts out as reluctance, “I don’t want to,” then escalates into annoyance, then into full blown “pissed off,” if, whatever it is, doesn’t back off. So many of my preferences are really fear, it makes me wonder who I really am. I’ve been processing all of that, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something important.
One piece of advice I got from the other session was, “Look inside,” and I’ve been doing that. A lot. I don’t like what I see, for I see darkness. I also see that I’ve never let anyone in, ever. Not a super surprise that, but still. I wouldn’t have characterized myself as quite so cut off, but there you are. I can see that I’ve spent most of my life holding people at arm’s length, at best. Over the past some years, I have been letting some people closer and closer, to the point of letting them in a little ways, but no one gets all the way inside.
I don’t even know if that is a good idea. You really don’t want to let everyone inside, do you? At least, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t think that everyone wants to see everything that’s going on inside me. It seems that there should be some people who, what, want to help? Huh, I’ve had enough of “helpers” thank you. They just want to listen, a bit, then offer cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all advice. Then get pissed off if you don’t take it. Or not. I know because I’ve played that role. Not much of a relationship there if all you do is listen to offer advice. That role was comfortable and safe, but I eventually figured out that there wasn’t anything there. I was always the “strong,” Mister Advice Giver, who couldn’t show any problems, because, that would mean that I didn’t know what I was talking about after all. That’s a pretty lonely life.
So, in my problem solving mode, I realize that I need a new set of friends. I find that there are a few people that I have been able open up to, under the right circumstances. There’re not many, because I have tended to surround myself with people like myself, but I have been slowly moving in the direction of hanging with a different kind of person. Another problem I have is I don’t know how to Be with these people. I don’t have any experience with sharing without some kind of goal in mind. Part of my mind still has a problem with that. Everybody wants something, right? Anyone I talk to will either want something, or expect that I want something from them. I don’t know if that’s true, it’s just been an unspoken assumption all of my life. So unspoken that I just realized that it was there.
Can I honestly be sure that I don’t want something, that I’m not working some kind of angle? Here is where things get weird. I find myself trying to carefully convince them that I have no agenda, while never 100% sure that it’s true. I don’t even want to think about how that must come off on the outside, I must seem pretty odd, at times. Hey, I blame it on my upbringing: I have no idea how people are supposed to behave in these kinds of situations.
There was no affection, of any kind, my family. Well, that’s not quite true, I remember a one time when I felt close to my mom when I was pretty small, but that’s pretty much it. Nobody “talked” in my family. They yelled, complained, gave orders. But talk? Nah. My number one priority was to survive, and saying anything that might come back around to haunt me, was something I worked very hard to avoid. I was schooled from an early age to say as little as possible, because, no matter what I said, the older kids would find a way to turn it against me. And then I always blamed myself for being stupid enough to let something slip out.
It took me at least a decade, after I left home, to learn to have a conversation. Even a trivial “Hi, how are you,” was a strain. In my head was the ever present calculation about how much did I have to say to get them to go away, without revealing anything that they could use against me later. Work was always like that. Sitting in the lunchroom, hiding in a book, listening to other people’s conversations, wishing I wasn’t quite so alone, but knowing that I just “didn’t have anything to say.” Over time I built up a supply of harmless conversational items I could pull out, when necessary. Sort of like conversational flash cards where I could whip out a canned comment or response. What I said didn’t always fit in with the rest of the conversation, but it was better than nothing.
Over time, I gradually realized that “saying nothing” really wasn’t working all that well. After a point, the conversational nothings become so meaningless that you want to slash your own throat, just to get it to end. I was pretty clear that I had surrounded myself with people who worked on that superficial level, and I was growing to hate it. I am still learning, but I’ve picked up a few things that seem to help.
First, find different people. You can’t always pick your co-workers or family, but you can pick your friends. So find a community where you can say what you want without it being turned against you. I’m not saying that’s easy, stepping outside of my comfort zone to talk to a different class of people is, well, uncomfortable. You don’t know what you’re going to get. You have to use some judgment. Get out of your “lost puppy,” “Will you please be my friend,” mode and value yourself a bit. You don’t have to accept everyone who does you the honor of bestowing their presence on you. Take some time get to know if you really fit before jumping all in and making commitments.
The next thing is like the first: Learn to shrug off hurtful or unkind comments. Then, keep at a distance from people who continue to make them. Again, this comes back to valuing yourself, because you truly don’t need anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Even if it’s only part of the time. I’ve had trouble with this, as do many other people. But I’ve pretty much gotten to the point where I don’t want or need someone who won’t hold up their end of the relationship.
Now, for the last thing on my list, learning to accept and meet people where they’re at. This is a far as I’ve gotten, so I have no idea what it’s like to fully achieve this or what might lie beyond it. At this point, I should be able to tell what’s appropriate for each person and situation and share at that level, respecting the boundaries of the other person. I am still learning how this works, how to be intimate on some levels without jumping in whole-hog. I’m really getting that relationships do take time, no matter what stories or movies you may have seen or heard, and the vast majority of relationships only go so far, and that’s the way it should be. A relationship isn’t a failure because it doesn’t meet your initial expectations. They are what they are, not what you think they should be.
I believe I’ve come a long way, but there is a ways more to go. When you stop holding people back and keeping them out, the question then becomes, how far is far enough? And, far enough for what? Now with my divorce, I’m staring at the possibility of having other relationships at some point. What will they look like? How will I know that I’ve actually found something I want to stick with? At the moment it feels like I have this really big emptiness inside that I’ve never really looked at, or allowed anyone else to see either. At the moment, it appear really dark. But I sense the possibility of something wonderful there. All I need to do is learn how to see it.
When letting people in, the first hard lesson I learned is that you can’t force people to be what their not. If they can’t/won’t be what you need, you need to move on, no matter how hard that is. You don’t have to burn bridges and slash-and-burn your way out: You can let them go with love and be friends. But you do need to let them go. The same thing goes for new people: Accept them at the level where you both are comfortable. You don’t want to be a bully or a doormat. It can be really hard, sometimes, to not lay too many expectations on any relationship, we are all human. I’m still learning all this, so I really have no idea what’s going to happen next. I’ve already moved way past anything I ever imagined before, and these are just friends, so who knows what might actually be possible? I assume that I’ll never know it all, but I’m sure there’s a whole lot more to explore.
One piece of advice I got from the other session was, “Look inside,” and I’ve been doing that. A lot. I don’t like what I see, for I see darkness. I also see that I’ve never let anyone in, ever. Not a super surprise that, but still. I wouldn’t have characterized myself as quite so cut off, but there you are. I can see that I’ve spent most of my life holding people at arm’s length, at best. Over the past some years, I have been letting some people closer and closer, to the point of letting them in a little ways, but no one gets all the way inside.
I don’t even know if that is a good idea. You really don’t want to let everyone inside, do you? At least, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t think that everyone wants to see everything that’s going on inside me. It seems that there should be some people who, what, want to help? Huh, I’ve had enough of “helpers” thank you. They just want to listen, a bit, then offer cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all advice. Then get pissed off if you don’t take it. Or not. I know because I’ve played that role. Not much of a relationship there if all you do is listen to offer advice. That role was comfortable and safe, but I eventually figured out that there wasn’t anything there. I was always the “strong,” Mister Advice Giver, who couldn’t show any problems, because, that would mean that I didn’t know what I was talking about after all. That’s a pretty lonely life.
So, in my problem solving mode, I realize that I need a new set of friends. I find that there are a few people that I have been able open up to, under the right circumstances. There’re not many, because I have tended to surround myself with people like myself, but I have been slowly moving in the direction of hanging with a different kind of person. Another problem I have is I don’t know how to Be with these people. I don’t have any experience with sharing without some kind of goal in mind. Part of my mind still has a problem with that. Everybody wants something, right? Anyone I talk to will either want something, or expect that I want something from them. I don’t know if that’s true, it’s just been an unspoken assumption all of my life. So unspoken that I just realized that it was there.
Can I honestly be sure that I don’t want something, that I’m not working some kind of angle? Here is where things get weird. I find myself trying to carefully convince them that I have no agenda, while never 100% sure that it’s true. I don’t even want to think about how that must come off on the outside, I must seem pretty odd, at times. Hey, I blame it on my upbringing: I have no idea how people are supposed to behave in these kinds of situations.
There was no affection, of any kind, my family. Well, that’s not quite true, I remember a one time when I felt close to my mom when I was pretty small, but that’s pretty much it. Nobody “talked” in my family. They yelled, complained, gave orders. But talk? Nah. My number one priority was to survive, and saying anything that might come back around to haunt me, was something I worked very hard to avoid. I was schooled from an early age to say as little as possible, because, no matter what I said, the older kids would find a way to turn it against me. And then I always blamed myself for being stupid enough to let something slip out.
It took me at least a decade, after I left home, to learn to have a conversation. Even a trivial “Hi, how are you,” was a strain. In my head was the ever present calculation about how much did I have to say to get them to go away, without revealing anything that they could use against me later. Work was always like that. Sitting in the lunchroom, hiding in a book, listening to other people’s conversations, wishing I wasn’t quite so alone, but knowing that I just “didn’t have anything to say.” Over time I built up a supply of harmless conversational items I could pull out, when necessary. Sort of like conversational flash cards where I could whip out a canned comment or response. What I said didn’t always fit in with the rest of the conversation, but it was better than nothing.
Over time, I gradually realized that “saying nothing” really wasn’t working all that well. After a point, the conversational nothings become so meaningless that you want to slash your own throat, just to get it to end. I was pretty clear that I had surrounded myself with people who worked on that superficial level, and I was growing to hate it. I am still learning, but I’ve picked up a few things that seem to help.
First, find different people. You can’t always pick your co-workers or family, but you can pick your friends. So find a community where you can say what you want without it being turned against you. I’m not saying that’s easy, stepping outside of my comfort zone to talk to a different class of people is, well, uncomfortable. You don’t know what you’re going to get. You have to use some judgment. Get out of your “lost puppy,” “Will you please be my friend,” mode and value yourself a bit. You don’t have to accept everyone who does you the honor of bestowing their presence on you. Take some time get to know if you really fit before jumping all in and making commitments.
The next thing is like the first: Learn to shrug off hurtful or unkind comments. Then, keep at a distance from people who continue to make them. Again, this comes back to valuing yourself, because you truly don’t need anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Even if it’s only part of the time. I’ve had trouble with this, as do many other people. But I’ve pretty much gotten to the point where I don’t want or need someone who won’t hold up their end of the relationship.
Now, for the last thing on my list, learning to accept and meet people where they’re at. This is a far as I’ve gotten, so I have no idea what it’s like to fully achieve this or what might lie beyond it. At this point, I should be able to tell what’s appropriate for each person and situation and share at that level, respecting the boundaries of the other person. I am still learning how this works, how to be intimate on some levels without jumping in whole-hog. I’m really getting that relationships do take time, no matter what stories or movies you may have seen or heard, and the vast majority of relationships only go so far, and that’s the way it should be. A relationship isn’t a failure because it doesn’t meet your initial expectations. They are what they are, not what you think they should be.
I believe I’ve come a long way, but there is a ways more to go. When you stop holding people back and keeping them out, the question then becomes, how far is far enough? And, far enough for what? Now with my divorce, I’m staring at the possibility of having other relationships at some point. What will they look like? How will I know that I’ve actually found something I want to stick with? At the moment it feels like I have this really big emptiness inside that I’ve never really looked at, or allowed anyone else to see either. At the moment, it appear really dark. But I sense the possibility of something wonderful there. All I need to do is learn how to see it.
When letting people in, the first hard lesson I learned is that you can’t force people to be what their not. If they can’t/won’t be what you need, you need to move on, no matter how hard that is. You don’t have to burn bridges and slash-and-burn your way out: You can let them go with love and be friends. But you do need to let them go. The same thing goes for new people: Accept them at the level where you both are comfortable. You don’t want to be a bully or a doormat. It can be really hard, sometimes, to not lay too many expectations on any relationship, we are all human. I’m still learning all this, so I really have no idea what’s going to happen next. I’ve already moved way past anything I ever imagined before, and these are just friends, so who knows what might actually be possible? I assume that I’ll never know it all, but I’m sure there’s a whole lot more to explore.
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