I haven’t been writing much lately, I’m finding it hard. My life’s in a bit of turmoil, what with finding a job and all, I just seem to have a hard time focusing. I’ve also been told that, since I’m looking for work, I should back off on the touchy-feeling stuff and focus on technology. I find that a bit hard to do because I just don’t care that much about it. It’s what I have to do for a living, I don’t really want to think about it in my spare time.
I used to think that knowing a lot about tech made me cool or special, in some way, so I forced myself to read a lot of magazines on science and technology so I could “keep up.” It seems that having a bunch of current “technological tidbits” at my fingertips made me feel like I had something to say. Heaven forbid that I actually share something about myself or listen to what the other person had to say. Now I realize that I tended to hang out with people that did the same time as I did, talking only about stuff “out there.” I did it because I was uncomfortable talking about anything else. I didn’t think that my life was interesting and other people’s lives made me jealous, angry or depressed. No wonder I always had dysfunctional relationships.
I am trading sessions with another practitioner this weekend. I was disappointed with my session, I didn’t get to the answers I was hoping for. I did see an interesting “past life:” but wasn’t able to reach the subconscious and get any clear answers to my questions. I’m constantly blocking myself and this truly seems to be a theme of my life.
The “past life” took place on some other planet and I was humanoid, but not human. I was very tall and thin and wore a dark blue, suit-like thing. It resembled a stylized business suit, but I had the impression that it was more than just a covering, that it helped me maintain my shape, in some way. There were a few scenes with parts of the suit removed, and the body seemed like a blob that couldn’t hold it’s shape.
All the scenes took place on a kind of platform, high in the air, that stuck out from the side of some dark, cliff-like thing I that never really got a good look at. These images seemed stylized, almost like colored pencil sketches around the edges. The platform had no straight lines or any consistent curves, it’s outline resembled a stylized flame, with the tip of the flame pointing a way from the cliff. The surface of the platform wasn’t very flat, it was shaped somewhat like a frozen wave. Near the end of the platform was a fairly ordinary upholstered chair, with something like a skeletal end table/lamp nearby.
I saw most of this from the outside. It’s like there were two somebodies: One doing the stuff and me watching. We both looked the same, though it seemed that I was larger. It seemed that I was both watching and being the other being. I could feel what he was feeling and know what he was thinking, but partially from the inside and mostly from the outside. Hey, I was beside myself!
At first, I was standing near the base of the platform, looking out at the chair, and past that into a hazy-cloudy vastness. I/he went and sat in the chair. He could control what he was seeing out beyond the platform. I don’t know how, there were no controls of any sort, I knew that he could. He was looking at rolling agricultural fields with scattered houses. He had some kind of job to do that partially related to the weather.
My memory is a bit fuzzy here, but there was a scene where he was sitting on the edge of the platform, dangling his legs over the edge, and watching thick, billowy, clouds. There was no sky visible, just clouds, ranging from light gray to dark.
The final scene had fire. I couldn’t see much more than an angry glow and a few glimpses of bright flame, the smoke was too thick. He was on the edge of the platform, watching, feeling remotely sad and like a failure. He was feeling like he’d had one purpose and he’d blown it, but the feelings weren’t all that strong. But still, there was a feeling of emptiness, and pointlessness to it all.
I disappointed with the rest of the session. I couldn’t get a purpose or a lesson from that life, and the subconscious wouldn’t come through. Looking at it now, I’m a little surprised that the lesson has nothing to do with failure, but revolves around being alone, and doing “it” all by myself, Never asking for help, reluctantly accepting help or assistance, no matter how much I need it, and believing that I’m “not good enough” unless I can do it all by myself. Wow. Never really brought that into focus before. I’m going to have to ponder that and see what comes out of it.
In a few months I will be living alone, for the first time in my life, if roommates count. Clearly a new experience. In a way, I’m already living it now. Knowing it’s coming is already putting me in that space. Now I get the feeling that a bad relationship is better than being alone. I hope this will pass soon. I don’t need to feel isolated, it’s just that the reality’s sunk in and it’s going to take some time to get used to. Having a job will help to give me some sense of purpose and a sense of self worth. Transitions are always hard, no matter how positive they eventually turn out to be. I’ve heard about this stuff forever, but this is the first time I’ve been self-aware enough to see what’s happening as I’m going through it.
The past two years have been good preparation. I’ve been finding new interests and making new friends, getting out and doing stuff. I used to be such a homebody. Now I won’t be stuck by myself 24/7, but I’m going to have to make some choices soon, as my current path is not sustainable. Once I find my new direction, I will probably have to rearrange, or give up, some things that I like. I suppose that’s a good thing, that there are enough good things in my life that I don’t have room for all of them at once, but it’s more change.
Perhaps I should truly take the lesson of that “past” life to heart: Ask for help, accept help, accept assistance in small ways and large ones. I have this thing about not being a bother, I don’t want to annoy anyone, that asking to hang out or something, is being a stalker, or weird, or just plain awkward. Now I get to spend the next period of my life figuring out how all that works. It could be worse: It could be raining.
