Contrasts and Changes

I finished two books this week: Spirit Releasement Therapy and A Year By the Sea, Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman by Joan Anderson. At study in contrasts? Joan’s book was a welcome respite from all the studying I have been doing. And I also makes me want to write in a different way. Better? I don’t know, but different.

It’s fun to be different. We all need to be different, from time to time. To wear different clothes, to watch different shows or see different movies. Go to different places and talk to different people. Sure, I don’t like some of them, but that makes going back to the familiar all the better.

I just made some tea. Why does that matter? I’ve found that change is, well, different, and tea is part of that change. It’s something to drink that is small, slow and subtle. Now that the kids are gone, or take care of themselves, we no longer eat together. Jackie started a new diet some months ago. Although she has seemed to leave that behind, she still eats what she wants, when she wants, leaving me to fend for my self. So part of my new routine is to eat things that are small, and to take my time. It’s all about mindfulness these days, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time, and still don’t. I just want to eat less but still don’t get done so fast.

Now am now finishing the process that started when the kids were in their later years in high school: I now cook only for myself. I have been slowly working out how to feed only myself. I took care of myself for many years in my bachelor days. But in those days, I ate a lot more than I do now, and I didn’t worry too much about how it tasted. I now have to figure out how to come up with smaller portions of interesting food. I’ve never had to do that before.

Most of my life I was well known for eating a lot. Heck, I could eat a whole pizza at a sitting, and that was in my twenties. I’m sure I ate a whole lot more in my teens. As a rule, I never worried much about what I ate, because I needed so much. It was mostly about finding enough. After my parents died, my main effort was making my money go as far as possible. So I never had the luxury of “not liking” certain foods. When I ordered something, I ate everything on the plate, no matter what color or texture. A lot of people will hate me for saying this, but I still weigh only ten pounds more than I did in high school.

But then it happened. I got older. Sometime around the age of 50, I realized that I needed to eat less if I wanted to stay at the same weight. And I started doing the unthinkable: leaving food on my plate. Not going back for seconds and thirds. I had to break the habit of centering my routines around eating.

It’s been years and it still feels a bit weird. I find that I have to eat slower because I don’t want to be done so fast. I also realize that, in social situations, I ate a lot to avoid talking to people. As long as my mouth was full I didn’t have to deal with those awkward conversation thingies. I have found myself doing a whole lot more talking and listening than eating, at holiday get-togethers.

There have been a lot of changes. I now prefer social situations to sitting at home. I used to run from parties and get headaches if I had to talk to people for too long. A good book was the best think ever, TV was next in line. A book allowed me to hide from everyone and lose everything that was going on In my life. Now I don’t have all that much time to read. Sitting for a long time is a bother. There are definitely times when I want to have a good story, but it’s not all the often. Now reading is mostly a way to fill time when I can’t do anything else.

I used to prefer work where I could be all by myself, controlling my own little world. People were a distraction and a bother. They kept me from what was important. I now find that kind of life extremely lonely. Working without conversation, without feedback, seems utterly pointless. I need the interaction to feel that I’m doing anything at all.

I suppose all these changes happened about the same time, and is probably what drove me to change occupations and directions. To find new friends, (any friends at all) and to understand what friendship is, in this world. I am having to really look at and understand what is important to me. And I’m beginning to notice that how I’m looking at things now is much more healthy for me, and for the world at large.

I’ve had to go through an awaking process that was, frightening, at first, then frustrating, as I began to understand why it was so difficult to get anything done, and came the slow dawning when I realized that great people, from Shakespeare to Alan Watts, philosophers from every age had and were saying the same thing: People believe exactly what they want and nothing else. If I want peace in my life, I had to distance myself from anyone with an agenda.

But, wait. Don’t I have an agenda? Yup. So I have to find and surround myself with people that are on the same page as I am. I’m not going to convert anyone to a new way of thinking. And I don’t expect to find a group that suits me. So I have to create it. I just realized that that is what I am doing. I am, without really thinking about it, started creating a group that thinks along the same lines as I do. Finding like-minded people who are also looking for a place to be. Most people come an leave, not comfortable with what I’m building here. But some stay. Now we will see how that goes.