The Big Empty

Dealing with loss.

I’m finding that the most difficult thing to deal with after divorce, is the hole that is left where all the “stuff” used to be. In any loss, there is stuff you miss and stuff you are all to happy to see gone. But once it is gone, you have a large blank spot in your life that needs filling. Sure, it’s tempting for me to drink, or binge watch TV, hide in books, or find other meaningless things to fill my time, but I need to face the fact that the time is now empty, and I, sooner or later, will build a new life to fill it.

To be sure, most of that time was filled with time-wasting stuff like TV, and Facebook, and going out just so we don’t have to stay in, so much of what is gone had no real value. But the real point was that I wasn’t alone. There is a lot to be said for not being alone. That part is a loss.

My central issue here is that I never really had a life outside of my family. I was always nervous about meeting people and having friends, so I mooched off of my spouse for friends, family and social time. All of those disappeared after we went our separate ways. Fortunately, for the few years I have been cultivating a life outside of my marriage. It’s almost as if i knew what was coming and I was practicing my “me” skills. Learning to have relationships and be somebody other than “husband” and “dad.”

Reviving my interest in theater was a good idea. I met a lot of people, and, thanks to Facebook, have managed to remain in contact with a few. I miss theater, but my schedule doesn’t allow me to do it any more. Perhaps later I can come back to it. But I find it’s the people and the doing that I miss, not the performing so much. Starting my business also forced me to meet a lot more people, and I find that I like meeting new people. I used to hate it, but I guess that’s a part of me that has changed over the years.

I also notice that I don’t expect much from the people I meet. I used to invest so much in each relationship, no matter how casual, and be angry and disappointed when the dedication wasn’t returned. I was also deathly afraid of the “wrong” relationships. I’m not quite sure what that means now, but I had to stay away from certain people, at any cost. Maybe it had something to do with my fear of becoming “hooked” somehow, so I needed to only hang out with “safe” people, who I didn’t care about so they couldn’t hurt me. Much. In the process I avoided anyone I much actually care for, or worse, might care for me. Which brings up a huge difference that I’m having to deal with: I have no idea how to have a close relationship where I’m not hiding and playing manipulation games. I learned how to have casual friendships, but I don’t know what anything else would look like now. I afraid of what dating might look like because I don’t want anyone getting attached to me while I’m in this state. Or maybe I’ve just haven’t met anyone I want to date or hang out with on a more that a casual basis.

The thing is, I’m in a transition. I keep wanting it to be over, transitions are a process and I’ve just got to let it happen. The say the life’s a journey, not a destination. What I’m going through now is part of my perpetual process of change. I certainly don’t want to be stuck where I am and say “Stick a fork in me, I’m done!” But I can’t help being nervous about no knowing where I’m going to end up, or when. That’s the nature of the beast, but I don’t have to like it much. I know I’ll look back on this time and I’m sure it will make fodder for a good story, but do I have to live through it? Big transitions are like adventures, they’re great things to happen long ago to someone else. It’s called something else when it’s happening right now, to me.

I’m actually surprised to find that I like my new job. In the past four months I’ve made more friends than in the last 20. Sure the pay is tiny and the hours kinda suck, but I like the idea of having virtually no responsibility. Especially compared to what I used to have to worry about. I just show up, do my time, and go home. I’ve learned to keep myself busy, most of the time, so time actually passes fairly quickly. I generally like talking with customers, some can be real jerks, but others are great. The worst cases are those that are letting themselves in for a world of hurt or want to do something just plain illegal, (violating building safety codes) but they “know” what they are doing and you’re not going to talk them out of it. I just tell myself that I’m not responsible for them and let it go. Something that would have been downright impossible years ago.

Right now, the biggest blank I have to fill is, what do I do when I’m not working? I have a lot of free time on my hands and my living arrangements don’t leave a lot of options, other than going out. I’m spending a lot of time looking at houses, doing more reading, and spending more time at the library. I’ve asked for more hours at work, partly for the money and benefits, but also to fill my time. When I was young I resented every minute of work, I’m not sure why, and couldn’t wait to get home. Even if it just meant sitting alone in a cold room. Now I prefer work to being alone: at least I have people to talk to who know my name. Oddly I take comfort in that, at the same time wondering how so many of the other employees know my full name, when we’ve never been introduced and it’s not on my apron. Ah, one of those little mysteries of life. You know what? I don’t want to know, cause that would just take all the fun out of it. It doesn’t really matter anyway, what I really like is the fact that they take the trouble to do it. It makes me feel noticed, like I matter. A little. Isn’t that what life is all about? What is success for, if you don’t matter to someone?