Triple Threat

This morning I was reading the textbook for my next class “Spirit Releasement Therapy,” when I noticed that I could not focus on what I was reading. My mind kept wondering back to an exchange with a relative. I kept replaying alternate endings and imagining different conversations. Why couldn’t I let it go and concentrate on my reading? I kept looking at the words in front of me and thinking how I could use them to support my arguments, while I also knew that nothing I could present or say or do would make any difference. The I got it! I wasn’t fighting with my relative, I was fighting with myself! I was fighting with that image of him that I had inside. That was a fight I could never win, a fight that would never end, unless I ended it.

When I looked at it, it was so obvious. It was also really powerful. This thing I had inside of me, what I was really fighting, was a dark, cloudy angry mass that would give no ground and take no prisoners. That’s when I decided to try the Feeding You Demons technique. Hey, what could I lose? So I set up two chairs, facing each other, and sat in one.

First step: Locate the demon in you body and describe it. It took me a while to locate it. At first I saw a pale yellow cloud-like pole, sticking upwards out of my chest. Examining it a bit more revealed a dark mass about the size of a basketball, half in and half out of the center of my chest. The yellow thing passed right through the mass and exited out my  back, curving upward. It seemed like the mass and my body were impaled on an enormous fishhook. I was really only interested in the mass, so I focused on that: It appeared to be a soot-black, lumpy, cloud that was in constant motion. Inside there was an angry red glow, that I could glimpse through small breaks in the outer cloud cover. There were also little bolts of lightning sparking between the different lumps, and it felt angry. Now I knew what it looked like and felt like, it was time for the next step.

Now I projected the demon out from my chest into the other chair, and took a look at it. It looked pretty weird. It was still an angry, black, mass, but it had a head that appeared only as an outline, lit from behind. It had two, glowing, pinpoint eyes, but the rest of its face was featureless. The shape of the rest of the body resembled a jellyfish, a kind of lumpy, deflated-ball shape with indistinct things hanging down. It had some resemblance to paper Halloween decorations that have accordion-like arms and legs, but the appendages were not friendly at all. Not tentacles and not arms and legs, but a cross between the two.

Now I knew what it looked like, I looked into its eyes and asked it three questions. Then I switched places and “shape-shifted” into the demon and answered the three questions, then switched back. The point of the questions is to find out what the demon needs. Then I imagine my body turning into whatever the demon says it needs, and feeding it. As much as it wants. As it ate, I noticed it had almost robot-like arms with pincer-shaped claws on the ends, which it used to grab the stuff I was feeding it. After a while it turned white, but still seemed angry. So I did the whole, switching places and asking questions process, again. This time it became lighter and more fluffy, which meant that it had turned into an ally. So I took the next step of recruiting it to my side, as an ally, and then pulling it back into me. When I tried to pull it back to me, most of it came, but a bit remained. That bit looked like a charcoal sketch. It was stubborn and wouldn’t move. So I did the whole process again.

This time, after the feeding, a beautiful golden while star appeared in the center of the charcoal sketch. This was another ally. So I recruited it and pulled it inside. But, still, some of the sketch remained. Unfortunately I was out of time, so I had to leave it at that. I don’t recommend leaving things unfinished like that, but sometimes you have no choice, and no harm seems to have been done. And, on the flip side, when I look at the things the were annoying me this morning, I don’t react to them nearly as much. Almost not at all, and that’s nice. 

Shadows on the Wall

This morning I did some Shadow work. This is a Shamanic thing. The Shadow is those parts of yourself that you aren't aware of or don't want to acknowledge. "Shadow," get it? I think it's a great term. The more I think about it the more I like it. What is a shadow? It's something that always follows you everywhere. You can never get rid of it nor can you touch it. It dogs your every step, displaying who you are with no bias or pity.

It's easy to get confused when you first hear about Shamanic traditions, since many of the terms have become loaded with sinister connotations over the centuries. For instance, in Christian tradition, Dark is evil and Light is good, and anyone who deals with "dark" or "shadowy" things must be evil or, at least, misguided. Shamanic tradition, on the other hand, recognizes that everything has it's positive (light) and negative (dark) aspects. Like the two sides of a coin, you can't have one without the other, and that true health and happiness is the result of integrating both aspects of our nature to achieve balance. One important thing that Western medicine has done for the world is to banish the idea that disease is "evil." Can you imagine what medicine would be like if we continued to believe the medieval notions of disease as "dark" and only evil sorcerers could study it? Unfortunately, many faith traditions have decided that since Light (God) is Good, everything non-Light is Bad, and therefore should be banished completely. This results in endless suffering for their followers as they constantly struggle with their, all to human, natures.

So, the first thing you need to do when you step into the Shamanic world, is reexamine all your thoughts and beliefs around words like Light, Dark Shadow, Spirt, and Demon, for starters, and be open to new ways of thinking about spirituality. I don't pretend to be a Shaman, that requires much more training and experience than I have time for at this point in my life, but I have had some training in that area and have done some Journeying. Eagle Spirit Ministry says this about shaman:

"A shaman is a healer who has walked up to the Underworld gates of his/her own personal hell and then walked in. He/she has confronted and conquered his/her self-created demons, such as fear, insanity, loneliness, self-importance, and addictions, has unflinchingly confronted his/her own Shadow self as well as the evil of others, and can successfully deal with forces of darkness equally with those of light."

Over my years I have been working to deal with the Shadow aspects of my personal hell. We had a discussion in class about the concept that a healer has to heal herself before she can be of service to others. One opinion is that is a contemporary, Western idea. I question the contemporary part, as there were serious questions as far back as the Middle Ages about whether sacraments, like marriages, performed by priests who were later defrocked or otherwise found to be "in sin," were valid. Both Western science and the Church have come to the conclusion that it's the work that matters, not the worker. I can't help but wonder. Since we have pedophile priests and doctors more concerned with their reputations and incomes than their patients, I can't help but wonder if we need to rethink that whole idea. (Perhaps if successfully dealing with one's own personal hell should be a prerequisite for any healing work, we'd see fewer scandals, in all professions.)

This morning I did some Shadow work by myself. It definitely would have been better to work with someone, but I didn't have anyone available, I had some stuff that was really bothering me, so I took a shot at working it out on my own. I worked with an exercise called "Feeding your Demons." Hold on, what did I say about leaving your definitions at the door? I know that, to the uninitiated, that sounds like a witch heading down to the dungeon with fresh kittens or something, but that's not it at all. First of all, understand that a "demon" is a Shadow aspect of yourself. Remember, Shadow isn't necessarily bad or evil, it's just a part of you that is unrecognized or denied, and you can no more get rid of it than you can have a quarter with only one side. So, what *can you do?

Well, you can ignore and deny, (If you've ever ignored a medical condition, you know how well that worked out.) or you can understand, accept and turn it from a foe to an ally. That's what Feeding Your Demons is all about. While it seems perfectly logical to make the best of what you've got, beliefs about that Right and Acceptable can get in the way. This does not mean that if a part of me that wants to murder, I must accept being a murderer. That is absolutely not true. (Though, if you do have that in your Shadow aspects, you need to deal with it in some way, or it will come out on its own, in ways you probably won't like.) Demons, which could be called "Issues" in a different context, are manifestations of something underneath that, through this kind of work, you can uncover and resolve. Thus bringing you more control over your life, and more empathy and compassion for others in similar situations.

In my case, the issue, or "demon," I started with turned out to not be very important, for it quickly morphed as I worked through the exercise. This work turned out to be a process of discovery, uncovering and releasing aspects of the issue that I hadn't known about. Because of this, and because I ran out of time, (Another problem I have when I'm working by myself: My mind tends to wander!) I never quite completed the exercise. But I learned a lot, and I felt and slept better when I was done, so it achieved its purpose.

We never conquer our Shadow, or slay all our demons. But by facing them, and walking a spiritual or Shamanic path we give ourselves a measure of peace and personal freedom that is simply not available any other way.