What is there to say about begin afraid of begin committed, of begin linked to someone? What is this fear of somehow begin forced into something because of some action your took, something you said? Why is sadness coming over me that says “You can’t do that”?
I had a bit of a epiphany today. I noticed the thrust of my life. It’s a bit difficult to describe, but I found an image expresses it best. To me, my life is a evolution. For the first part, 20-odd years, I had my back turned to life. I wasn’t interested in anything that was coming, anything that life had to offer. I just kept my eyes squarely on the the past, what I already knew, and keeping things exactly where they were.
The next step was more active, I purposefully shoved away anything that might change me. Anything that, in any way, offered something positive. I was “not worthy” and anything that contradicted that was actively refused and denied. I picture myself shoving, with both hand, away any complements, any positive lessons that might disturb my status quo. I absolutely had to stay exactly like I was or something really bad would happen. I had no idea what, but I was too afraid to take even a single step in any direction. Change was my enemy. I had to stay on my tiny island of safety. The slightest step outside of that zone invoked the most severe feelings of guilt and remorse. However, I couldn’t help noticing that my island of safety was shrinking, steadily.
In the next stage of my life was learning to accept changes from outside. I see myself as slowly turning around and not pushing away everything from outside. Even uncrossing my arms a bit and allowing some things to actually come to me. This was a long process. Years. I see my hands up and open, not pushing away, but then not allowing anything to come too close. Slowly, over time, I moved my hands back toward me, closer and closer. I allowed myself to experience some new things. To hear complements and positive input without outright rejection. It was possible to see criticism as neutral, or even positive and helpful. I could accept offered friendship, but I couldn’t return it. I somehow was able to turn down the dial on the internal monolog of self-criticism and the instant rejection of anything that might prompt me to think better of myself. To flirt with the idea that it was possible to be a good person. A happy person. A successful person. A well-loved person. And I was able to halt, and even beat back a bit, the inexorable shrinking of the limits of my comfort zone.
Today I see that it’s time to start reaching out. It’s time to go beyond merely accepting what’s offered, but to start making offers of my own. To lower my hands and allow what comes to wash over me. To reach out and pull new experiences toward me. To make offers, even though some will be ignored or rejected, without recrimination. To reach for, grasp and pull those new thing to me, even though some will resist and I will have to let them go. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not “wrong” to try and fail. And it’s really not my problem to worry about what others think of the offers I put out there, as long as they come from the right place, without agenda.
This has been hard to learn. There are so many agendas engraved on my soul that it takes some effort to discern what comes from me, and what is an impulse derived from “looking good,” or “what I ought” do to. I find that so much of my impulses come from an inauthentic place. Why is that? I suppose that it’s a result of decades of “fitting in.” I now call that “pretending” to fit in. What is the right thing to do, anyway? With so many people trying to be they thing is expected, who knows what is really expected anyway?
Part of what makes fitting in difficult is that the “rules” are entirely made up. They change, without warning, at any time and from place to place, and group to group. How can any “truth” be different for different people? To accept all means to judge none, and to offer only what is authentic for you. Determining what is authentic for me is difficult, but it’s getting easier. I’ve been learning to listen to my intuition and accept what it has to say. Even when it’s not what I want to hear. At times, it seems that the act of discernment is what’s important. I seem that I am sometimes led into a conversation that eventually leads back to where I started, but results in clarity on some issue, even though nothing has changed.
Time to be welcoming, not defensive. Time to seek inclusion and stop waiting for it to come to me.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Thursday, January 8, 2015
What have I learned about life?
How much I don’t know. How I don’t like being told what to do. As smart as I think I am, I can easily be put at a loss by what can happen in a session. I can be humbled by what I can’t do. And what I wish I could do. I am jellies of all the stuff that I hear other people doing that I can’t.
My kitty is sick. We will take her to the doctor, cause I can’t seem to help her. I put all i know into detecting and healing her issues but she isn’t getting better. Well, she is a little better, but she is still droopy and her voice is hoarse and weak. Why can’t I help?
My feeling is that I have issues that don’t allow me to access that which would help. I really feel that when she looks at me with those trusting and pleading eyes that ask me to do something. The doctor will have to be it. Though, the last time our cat got sick like this, the doctor said they couldn’t do anything and we had to let him die. So I hope that I can do something. Perhaps morph it into something the doctors can heal. What would I learn from this? What should I be learning from this?
I am falling down on the job. I am not spending the time in meditation that I need. I should be spending a lot more time working directly with myself. There is a lot I need to accomplish. It’s all waiting for me to get to it, but I don’t seem to find the time. There’s always something else that needs to be done. The rest of life keeps intruding.
I am afraid of what I need to do. I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to open my mouth, for what might come out will make me nothing. I will be left out in the cold, alone. They will leave me with nothing. I want to try, but it feels like faking. It feels like I’m not really doing anything. I resist the idea because it’s all just a bunch of crap that makes me look stupid if anyone finds out.
I talk to other people. I try to meet with other healers, hypnotists, counselors, etc., and I get hostility. Subtle, but it’s there. Like I’m trying to horn in on their territory. Is that what it’s all about? Seems there would be room for all. Some feel struggling, some feel professional, but not in the focus I am. Perhaps it’s a good idea that I get the conventional training, it will give me something to work with that seems “conventional” to regular clients. Also, conventional hypnotherapy requires more sessions, and shorter sessions, so I can get more income from it than regressions.
But where does that leave me? It feels like there’s a wall around me. A wall that is formed out of my beliefs, belief in my limitations. Or the limitations, restrictions, or “practical realities” of this world. I want to do something about it, but, somehow, I always find some way to avoid doing it. And when I do try, I give up so easily. Too tired. It should come more easily. I should come without me having to “do” something, physically. I should just be able to do it all in my head. It should be easy, just like it seems when I read about it in books. To everyone else, all this stuff “just happens,” why should it be so hard for me? There must be something wrong with me. Somehow I’m not good enough, not doing it right. It must be, otherwise, why am I not getting all this cool stuff?
Right now, I feel almost like crying. But I don’t know why. I just want to curl up and bawl, but I don’t know what about. It’s so sad. It’s lost, it’s left behind, it’s gone and forgotten. I keep seeing a ruin. It’s a deeply despairing ruin. Lonely and empty. Blocks of stone, marking were walls once stood. Vines and creepers covering floors and dislodging windows. Slowly pushing block apart, turning once neat rooms into piles of anonymous rubble. Life is gone, the wind blows through. Barriers are down. Light and laughter has been swept away.
Work didn’t help. Study didn’t help. Color and laughter faded by long neglect. We didn’t take care. Powerful sea winds howl across the scrublands, blasting away anything resembling a bush or tree. Fear, laziness and neglect, resistance to change. Slowly the old ways drop away, one by one, because no one understands. No one wants to take the time to understand. Old men don’t want to share. Young men don’t want to learn. When things no longer work, they convince themselves that the never worked. It was all a myth.
Time has come to reclaim the past. Time has come to stop pretending that we are the smartest of them all. Time has come to re-open the doors of perception that have been left to rust closed for centuries. Learn. Learn to teach your children. Teach your children more than you know. They must open the doors that we cannot. They must be allowed to discover what we cannot. We must allow them to understand what we cannot. Their growth must be more that we can know. We cannot teach them, for we do not know. We must show them the path, teach them to walk, then step aside as they find their way into lands we will never see.
My kitty is sick. We will take her to the doctor, cause I can’t seem to help her. I put all i know into detecting and healing her issues but she isn’t getting better. Well, she is a little better, but she is still droopy and her voice is hoarse and weak. Why can’t I help?
My feeling is that I have issues that don’t allow me to access that which would help. I really feel that when she looks at me with those trusting and pleading eyes that ask me to do something. The doctor will have to be it. Though, the last time our cat got sick like this, the doctor said they couldn’t do anything and we had to let him die. So I hope that I can do something. Perhaps morph it into something the doctors can heal. What would I learn from this? What should I be learning from this?
I am falling down on the job. I am not spending the time in meditation that I need. I should be spending a lot more time working directly with myself. There is a lot I need to accomplish. It’s all waiting for me to get to it, but I don’t seem to find the time. There’s always something else that needs to be done. The rest of life keeps intruding.
I am afraid of what I need to do. I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to open my mouth, for what might come out will make me nothing. I will be left out in the cold, alone. They will leave me with nothing. I want to try, but it feels like faking. It feels like I’m not really doing anything. I resist the idea because it’s all just a bunch of crap that makes me look stupid if anyone finds out.
I talk to other people. I try to meet with other healers, hypnotists, counselors, etc., and I get hostility. Subtle, but it’s there. Like I’m trying to horn in on their territory. Is that what it’s all about? Seems there would be room for all. Some feel struggling, some feel professional, but not in the focus I am. Perhaps it’s a good idea that I get the conventional training, it will give me something to work with that seems “conventional” to regular clients. Also, conventional hypnotherapy requires more sessions, and shorter sessions, so I can get more income from it than regressions.
But where does that leave me? It feels like there’s a wall around me. A wall that is formed out of my beliefs, belief in my limitations. Or the limitations, restrictions, or “practical realities” of this world. I want to do something about it, but, somehow, I always find some way to avoid doing it. And when I do try, I give up so easily. Too tired. It should come more easily. I should come without me having to “do” something, physically. I should just be able to do it all in my head. It should be easy, just like it seems when I read about it in books. To everyone else, all this stuff “just happens,” why should it be so hard for me? There must be something wrong with me. Somehow I’m not good enough, not doing it right. It must be, otherwise, why am I not getting all this cool stuff?
Right now, I feel almost like crying. But I don’t know why. I just want to curl up and bawl, but I don’t know what about. It’s so sad. It’s lost, it’s left behind, it’s gone and forgotten. I keep seeing a ruin. It’s a deeply despairing ruin. Lonely and empty. Blocks of stone, marking were walls once stood. Vines and creepers covering floors and dislodging windows. Slowly pushing block apart, turning once neat rooms into piles of anonymous rubble. Life is gone, the wind blows through. Barriers are down. Light and laughter has been swept away.
Work didn’t help. Study didn’t help. Color and laughter faded by long neglect. We didn’t take care. Powerful sea winds howl across the scrublands, blasting away anything resembling a bush or tree. Fear, laziness and neglect, resistance to change. Slowly the old ways drop away, one by one, because no one understands. No one wants to take the time to understand. Old men don’t want to share. Young men don’t want to learn. When things no longer work, they convince themselves that the never worked. It was all a myth.
Time has come to reclaim the past. Time has come to stop pretending that we are the smartest of them all. Time has come to re-open the doors of perception that have been left to rust closed for centuries. Learn. Learn to teach your children. Teach your children more than you know. They must open the doors that we cannot. They must be allowed to discover what we cannot. We must allow them to understand what we cannot. Their growth must be more that we can know. We cannot teach them, for we do not know. We must show them the path, teach them to walk, then step aside as they find their way into lands we will never see.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
A QHHT STORY - rebog
The Oracle in Delphi - Volunteers from Sirius - Power from Source -Miriam Magdala - Healing Vortex
A QHHT STORY
In a QHHT session almost anything can happen! Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy is a unique past life regression and healing technique developed by Dolores Cannon many years ago. It is not like any regular hypnosis or regression method out there. The number of dedicated practitioners (and clients) are increasing all over the world, mainly because of the vast number of books Dolores has written, based on information from her many thousands of sessions with clients. But also of course, the miraculous healings that are taking place. There are a lot of good reasons for having a QHHT session, because this is so much more than the “just” the healing. It is also a great way to find answers to everything you would want to know about yourself or anything else in our existence. We never know what our Higher Self has planned for us to experience, but it is always exactly what we need and are meant to experience. It is what is important for us right now. The Higher Self (or Subconscious as Dolores calls it) is a higher aspect of our self, a collective energy that knows everything about us. It sees the higher perspective and always wants the best for us and help us. It is pure love. When we are in a relaxed state of trance we are able to experience what the Higher Self wants us to see, feel or sense in any other way, and let it come through and speak to us.
A few days ago a very spiritual lady with great knowledge and wisdom, came to see me for a session. I will call her Ingrid. For almost half her life, she has lived in a village up in the mountains somewhere in South America, not far from a sacred energy vortex. According to her Higher Self, this spot is the most important one for Gaia. She has always felt spiritual and was now seeking answers about the many strange experiences she`s had in life, and also why she felt she had to move from Norway to go live at this place. She always felt connected and guided, but needed help to get some more answers. She truly believes that everything happens for a reason, even though her life has been very hard with a lot of challenges.
During the session, the client is switching between describing details from the scenes and giving extensive information related to the persons life. It seems she has access to almost everything that this person knew and did. When I asked about things she didn`t know the answer to, she just went deeper to find it. Her level of trance shifted from a deep to an even deeper state many times. Her Higher Self actually came in a couple of times on its own, speaking in third person. Her voice changed and she talked a lot slower.
At her beautiful place she couldn`t see the sky. Instead there was a path leading up to the surface from behind a waterfall. I told her to follow it and soon she could see a mountain with and entrance at a distance. At first she was reluctant to go there because of what she felt about the place. She found herself to be a 25 year old woman wearing a white robe and sandals. This was in the eight century BC, at a place called Delphi in Greece. She belonged to a sisterhood of women who all lived and worked at this site as oracles. They had servants to help them because they worked all day long. It was a very strict and hard life. They didn`t have much privacy. Only at night in their own little cell (small caves within the cave). No men were aloud there. The oracles were kept out of contact with any other people, to protect them from being influenced or bribed. They were all selected to be oracles. It was predetermined before they came into physical bodies, like Dalai Lama in Tibet. They were taught from a very young age. They had to work as oracles in 20-35 years before the could retire. It was done to help the development of humanity on earth. After retiring they decided who were going to be the next oracles. They also helped in preparing the little girls that were chosen, and also raising them because they were taken away from their families.Their work was to tap into the universal knowledge and provide answers to those who came with questions, which mostly were of academic character. Like philosophy and mathematics. Plato and Archimedes were among those who used the oracles for these purposes. The oracles sat on stone benches right beneath an opening in the cave ceiling, so that the people who had questions could hear the answers from the top of the cave through the opening. They were not aloud to see the oracles. The oracles induced themselves into a trance by inhaling smoke from a lot of incense that were placed around inside the room. They had strict orders not to influence or change any of the information. This was very important. If they did they would be punished. Sometimes it was very hard to tell exactly what they saw. It was their duty to report the truth and nothing but the truth. They had the ability to go forward into the future or back in time to find information from lost civilizations.
In the next scene/important day, she has gray hair and is feeling old and tired. Someone is calling for her and she can see a very bright light. Her work is done. She is very relieved. Many things has been positive, but it was a very hard life. She can see a tall man with blue clothes coming towards her. His aura is shining with light. He smiles at her and ask her to come with him. Then she leaves her body. They embrace each other and suddenly they are in this big bright hall with pink and turquoise lights emanating from the crystal walls and ceiling. The floor has white light coming up from underneath it, shining through the stones. More beings arrive. They are very happy to see her and are greeting her telepathically. They are light beings dressed in white, and they float over the floor towards her. They do not have any facial features. All she can see is light emanating great love. She belongs to this group. This place is a middle station between incarnations where they talk about their experiences, rests and choose new assignments. All of them originally comes from Sirius. They are volunteers that came here to help earth. This great hall is inside a big silvery pyramid in a different dimension. It is all etheric. She has seen it before in her visions in the present life time. From this place she now knows that she had three lives as an oracle in Delphi in between other lives as well. From the lives as an oracle she learned discipline, humbleness and responsibility, and also to be completely honest with everyone.
I am now moving her to another place and time. When she arrives all she can see is white and golden light. This is the final resting place (source). It feels very sacred. She just IS. Like a thought that doesn`t think. Pure consciousness. She has been there before, but needed to come back in order to recharge, and to be reminded of where she comes from and what the source is. She needed to experience absolute love and completeness. She just floats and absorbs, becoming stronger and stronger. Time doesn`t exist. It can be a second or a thousand years. She feels what infinity is. There is no beginning or end. She understands this with her heart. It is overwhelming. This is exactly what is meant by The Great Invocation. It is the light, love and the power.
She now feels it is time to move on. She has gathered enough power. I tell her to just drift and float to another important time and place where we can find information. After a while of drifting, a black wall appears to her. This is all the darkness and negativity in the world, but she has no fear of it. She is just observing and then floats right through it to the other side, ending up in the new era that is to come to earth. She can see that it is all balanced. This came to be because enough beings were able to absorb light, love and power from the source, which then perforated the darkness completely. We must not allow our selves to be captured by the darkness, but keep searching for the light in order to gain power from it. We must not be ignorant of the negative things that are going on. We should know about it, but not get involved or let it take our focus away from what is light and love. We should spread the light around us and avoid everything that creates fear, like watching TV. This will cause others to start waking up.Suddenly she becomes disturbed and cries. She has gone back in time and finds herself standing on the ground before Jesus` cross (Jeshua). She doesn`t want to talk about it at first, but since she has had short visions from this many times before, she accepts that she must explore it. She tries touching Jeshua`s feet but she can`t reach him. She feels great sorrow and pain. She is repeating that she must remember who she is. (She is very upset and I am doing my best to comfort her.)
"It is so hard! I have tried to run from this many times, because I never could accept or believe that I was her. Miriam Magdala is her real name. I wanted to go with Jeshua, to die with him because I didn`t believe I could cope without him. Jeshua tells me that I must go on with my life because I have important things to do."She goes on about how important it is that the church and its followers begin to take Miriam seriously. The bible should have had Miriam`s testament in it, because she followed the true teachings. Not the letters from Paul and Peter. Jeshua and Miriam were both Essene. It was the teachings of the Essenes that were supposed to be in the bible. The bible was falsified. The rest of Miriam`s testament is in the Vatican. Some of it is known.The last thing she remembers from that scene is being hit in the back and the head by a soldier, and she passes out. What she did not know then, was that Jeshua went into a very deep trance while on the cross, so deep that the soldiers believed he was dead. But he never died. The soldiers took him down and carried him to his tomb, soon enough for him to survive. He got out. Later he went to India and lived for many years.
The Higher Self is now coming in without me asking for it. Her voice changes:
"For a long time Ingrid has wished for her consciousness to merge with her higher being. It has happened gradually over time, but she is not aware of how far the merging has come. It is important that she leaves all her problems to the Higher Self. She`s had a much harder life than was really necessary. Now she is very tired and need strength from the source and the Higher Self. She has to be more open for this, because she has access to it. It is important not to move from the village. She has a very special connection to the earth`s energy. She must go on with her mission to help Gaia through energy work at the sacred place on the mountain. She knows people there that will tell her the exact location. It has been held secret for many years. She must go onto that mountain and find the spot where the energy is concentrated, and place her hands on it. This will give her physical body more energy. She has still many years left to do her work in this lifetime. It is important that people who are sick can come there for healing. A healing center should be established outside the village. An organization and capital is needed for this purpose. It was the Higher Self that lead her to go live at this place, to work as a healer. That is what she is. She knows she can do this. She is already doing a lot of important work in her sleep that is crucial to peace on earth."
Because the Higher Self already has taken over, I go on asking about the reasons for showing her the different lives/existences:
The life as Miram Magdala:
"The reason why she was shown the life as Miriam, was because she needs to accept her own greatness. Miriam had taken a lot on her shoulders being who she was, and that kind of responsibility is frightening to her. She does not believe she has it in her, and she has not been willing to recognize their connection. That they are the same. She must accept this completely. When she does, it will give her the strength, authority and self confidence that she didn`t have before. It was just an outer shell. Miriam and Jeshua had both great authority that were perfectly balanced with love and humbleness. This is the core of the message that we have tried to tell her all along. To remember who she is. She has not been willing to listen. Sometimes it was necessary to "hit her over the head". Her stubbornness can be good sometimes, but there must be a limit to it."
Life as an oracle at Pythia/Oracle of Delpi:
"Like in every life she was shown it was also about serving a higher purpose. To show her that she had taken on a mission that not only was her own, but the decision of a higher group. Ingrid is a member of the council for this galaxy. Some of the work she is doing, is what causes her body to shiver with cold. She takes her consciousness with her when she travels to other dimensions to share information with the council. This is depleting her energy and causes her body temperature to drop. It happens mostly during sleep, but also when she is awake. This is also the reason why she took on lives as a leader in several of her incarnations on earth. One of them as Akhenaten in Egypt. The female pharaoh with the beard, Hatshepsut, is her daughter in present life. She was a strong leader."
I could hear Ingrid had taken over now, it was not the Higher Self anymore. Still she has a lot of great information to share.
"Akhenaten`s body was weak and not properly adjusted to earth after a long time on Sirius. He didn`t have epilepsy like many believed. It was the side effect of a to fast incarnation. Despite his flaws and strange looks, he would not do anything to change it because as a God, he wanted to be different.”
Who was it that Ingrid got in contact with through the Ouija board many years ago?
"They were from a group called 'The Masters Of The White Lords', which also is from the group from Sirius."
She becomes silent for a while, and when I try to ask the next question she suddenly interrupts. She is pointing a finger right below her third eye:
"There is an implant here. Ingrid got the implant at the age of 3. That is why they have known all about her since then. They had to force her to wake up and not let herself be captured by politics."
She has pain in the spot between her eyes where the implant is. It`s like an antenna she says. Then she suddenly says to me:
"You are from the Sirius group! I can feel it in my heart. Everything will come, you are taken care of. The person who donated some of his bone marrow to you when you had leukemia, is from the Sirius group as well. This was arranged because you too have important things to do in the future. Nothing happens by accident little brother!"
I decide to ask her about the energy in the room, because I can feel it very strongly in my body. I ask if it is the energy of the Higher Self that I am feeling?
"In this room right now, there are 10 invisible beings from Sirius."
I then thought I should ask her who Higher Self is:
"She is a High Priestess from Sirius, and one of the leaders in the Sirius group who`s had some of the hardest jobs. But the Higher Self is multidimensional. The being that speaks through Ingrid`s body right now, is only a part of a greater whole. Two other parts are in physical bodies at this time. One is in south Africa. She is a black woman. The other one is in Japan. It is like a sacred geometry triangle. These have very strong personalities."
What will the changes be like for Ingrid in the future, because of this session?
"There will be some changes in her way of living. More security and better access to capital and financing, because now she will have a greater acceptance of who she is. She needs and deserves to work with meaningful projects. She will feel more balanced, calm, safe and have a greater authority. She will trust more than before that she is on the right path. Also she will not care so much anymore about what other people say and think of her. Right now she is establishing a greater network of friends that will be helpful for her. She needs to go to Sweden because she has more contacts there. She will have more energy. It is important that light workers are connected, work together and supports each other. The energies must be focused where they are most needed. There are so many suicides in Norway, because a big percentage of the population have lost their spiritual values. They have metal hearts. It is a country of metal hearts. Healers must get together to help with this."
Permission to share this article is given as long as it is shared completely with all links and remains unaltered in any way. The copyright statement must be included. Norwegian: Tillatelse til å dele denne artikkelen er gitt så lenge den blir delt i sin helhet med alle linker og copyright-teksten inntakt, og ikke er endret på noen måte.
Copyright © Tom Arild Waagbø – Matrixhealing.no. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Bedtime Reading
He knelt beside the bed to read. He didn't have time much for reading anymore. Funny, he though, how voraciously he had read as a child, carting basketfuls of books back and forth to the library each week during the summer and as often as he could during the school year. Reading every spare moment, before school and after, even between classes when he could. He had lived in other people's stories. In later years the habit waned until he only read books occasionally when he had the time or was especially depressed or lonely.
Tonight was unusual in that he wasn't either depressed or lonely, he just had this book. He'd acquired it a while back, stumbled across it really, and thought it looked interesting. Still, it was several weeks before he actually got around to opening the cover.
How quickly the old habits come back, he thought as he settled in, once he starts reading he can't stop and other obligations go begging. In the back of his mind he notes that this is why he doesn't read much anymore-it's just too addicting.
Tonight he has other things to do, but the book calls to him to get lost in its pages and let the world slip away. The house is quiet. It's still early but the late autumn sun has already slipped away and the windows are black. As he settles down to read, the light directly above the bed shines down on the yellowing pages of the old paperback. One of the things that make him feel old is seeing the books from his youth looking like ancient parchment. No matter. He starts to read and the room fades away.
Sometime later he is slowly drawn back by the growing awareness that he is not alone. He has no idea how much time has passed, the night is still dark and still. As he slowly disengages from the book, he suddenly realizes who it is and he snaps back to the world with an almost physical thunk.
He feels a momentary flash of annoyance. She is there, kneeling by the bed next to him. He didn't move. He didn't take his eyes off the pages, not even for a moment. There is no need, he can see her clearly in his minds eye: head propped on one hand, her face in three-quarters profile as she peers impishly at him with her hair falling halfway across her face. He can feel the warmth of her presence along his side, on his cheek, his arm. But he can not look. He knows he must not, no matter how much longs to. For he knows she isn't there, and attempting to see her would only break the spell that much sooner. So he keeps his eyes on the pages, seeing words but not reading.
"It's been a while," he though.
She shrugged. "Perhaps you don't need me much anymore."
"Perhaps." The old feelings returned. Never really gone, they had nonetheless faded over the past months. Memories fade no matter how tightly we hang on to them.
She continued to watch him, eyes fixed on his face, waiting.
"Odd," he thought, "your hair seems longer than I remember." He didn't want to follow that thought any farther.
Her smile quickly grew into a silent laugh. Then she brushed her hair out of her face with that gesture he knew so well that it hurt to watch it. Her eyes dropped to the book and returned to his face with a question.
"Ah well," he thought, "you know me and books."
Her smile momentarily broadened, then a look of concern crossed her face.
"No," he replied, "not so much anymore." She seemed reassured.
For a while, he had retreated from the world into books, just as he had in his youth. It had not been pretty. But that period was now over and he had put his life back together. Her visits had seemed to help, but once he was back in the world she came less and less often. He had missed her.
Her eyes left his face and wandered around the room.
"Yes, there have been a lot of changes since you were last here," he thought. "Somewhat cleaner, some new furniture. I just couldn't take looking at some of the old stuff any more." She nodded in agreement. He chuckled a bit, it felt so good to talk to her again, then he stopped.
"It's still just me though." He waited.
Her eyes completed their scan of the room and returned to him. She appraised him with a mixture of disappointment and rebuke. That gaze made him feel like a child, one that didn't quite measure up. He began to squirm under her gaze, discomfort growing. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore.
"Hey," the thought came before he could stop it, "I don't need anyone, I have you..." The moment the words formed in his mind, he knew. The expression on her face slid from disappointment to sadness. His discomfort was instantly replaced by a pain in his chest, growing until he almost couldn't breathe.
"No!" Her eyes dropped. He couldn't stand it.
"Please...?" She still didn't look at him.
He desperately wanted to grab that thought and stuff it back where it came from. To seal it up so tight and bury it so deep that it would be as if it had never happened. But he knew it was no use.
He'd known this hour would come. The thought had been growing slowly, insistently, in the back of his mind. It would have to come, sooner or later. But he had tried so hard not to think about it, to push it away. But it had remained, a dark cloud hovering in the distance, looming over everything he had accomplished, everything he was.
Slowly her gaze returned to him. Her eyes studied him for a long time, the sadness on her face slowly fading. He waited, afraid to breathe, for what seemed a very long time. Eventually her eyes dropped again.
"Is it time?"
She gave a quick nod, still looking down. After a moment she looked up and, with a look of profound tenderness, raised her arm as if to touch his hair. But then she stopped and let her arm drop with a rueful smile. She sighed. Then she seemed to come to a decision and, with a mixture of affection and determination, leaned over as to kiss his hair or whisper something in his ear. But before she could be either, she was gone.
He continued to stare at the book for a long time, trying to read. But the words would not hold still. The world seemed so much more empty now than it was just a short while ago. Finally he closed the book with a sigh and set it aside. He closed his eyes, laid his head upon the covers and finally, at long last, began to weep.
Tonight was unusual in that he wasn't either depressed or lonely, he just had this book. He'd acquired it a while back, stumbled across it really, and thought it looked interesting. Still, it was several weeks before he actually got around to opening the cover.
How quickly the old habits come back, he thought as he settled in, once he starts reading he can't stop and other obligations go begging. In the back of his mind he notes that this is why he doesn't read much anymore-it's just too addicting.
Tonight he has other things to do, but the book calls to him to get lost in its pages and let the world slip away. The house is quiet. It's still early but the late autumn sun has already slipped away and the windows are black. As he settles down to read, the light directly above the bed shines down on the yellowing pages of the old paperback. One of the things that make him feel old is seeing the books from his youth looking like ancient parchment. No matter. He starts to read and the room fades away.
Sometime later he is slowly drawn back by the growing awareness that he is not alone. He has no idea how much time has passed, the night is still dark and still. As he slowly disengages from the book, he suddenly realizes who it is and he snaps back to the world with an almost physical thunk.
He feels a momentary flash of annoyance. She is there, kneeling by the bed next to him. He didn't move. He didn't take his eyes off the pages, not even for a moment. There is no need, he can see her clearly in his minds eye: head propped on one hand, her face in three-quarters profile as she peers impishly at him with her hair falling halfway across her face. He can feel the warmth of her presence along his side, on his cheek, his arm. But he can not look. He knows he must not, no matter how much longs to. For he knows she isn't there, and attempting to see her would only break the spell that much sooner. So he keeps his eyes on the pages, seeing words but not reading.
"It's been a while," he though.
She shrugged. "Perhaps you don't need me much anymore."
"Perhaps." The old feelings returned. Never really gone, they had nonetheless faded over the past months. Memories fade no matter how tightly we hang on to them.
She continued to watch him, eyes fixed on his face, waiting.
"Odd," he thought, "your hair seems longer than I remember." He didn't want to follow that thought any farther.
Her smile quickly grew into a silent laugh. Then she brushed her hair out of her face with that gesture he knew so well that it hurt to watch it. Her eyes dropped to the book and returned to his face with a question.
"Ah well," he thought, "you know me and books."
Her smile momentarily broadened, then a look of concern crossed her face.
"No," he replied, "not so much anymore." She seemed reassured.
For a while, he had retreated from the world into books, just as he had in his youth. It had not been pretty. But that period was now over and he had put his life back together. Her visits had seemed to help, but once he was back in the world she came less and less often. He had missed her.
Her eyes left his face and wandered around the room.
"Yes, there have been a lot of changes since you were last here," he thought. "Somewhat cleaner, some new furniture. I just couldn't take looking at some of the old stuff any more." She nodded in agreement. He chuckled a bit, it felt so good to talk to her again, then he stopped.
"It's still just me though." He waited.
Her eyes completed their scan of the room and returned to him. She appraised him with a mixture of disappointment and rebuke. That gaze made him feel like a child, one that didn't quite measure up. He began to squirm under her gaze, discomfort growing. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore.
"Hey," the thought came before he could stop it, "I don't need anyone, I have you..." The moment the words formed in his mind, he knew. The expression on her face slid from disappointment to sadness. His discomfort was instantly replaced by a pain in his chest, growing until he almost couldn't breathe.
"No!" Her eyes dropped. He couldn't stand it.
"Please...?" She still didn't look at him.
He desperately wanted to grab that thought and stuff it back where it came from. To seal it up so tight and bury it so deep that it would be as if it had never happened. But he knew it was no use.
He'd known this hour would come. The thought had been growing slowly, insistently, in the back of his mind. It would have to come, sooner or later. But he had tried so hard not to think about it, to push it away. But it had remained, a dark cloud hovering in the distance, looming over everything he had accomplished, everything he was.
Slowly her gaze returned to him. Her eyes studied him for a long time, the sadness on her face slowly fading. He waited, afraid to breathe, for what seemed a very long time. Eventually her eyes dropped again.
"Is it time?"
She gave a quick nod, still looking down. After a moment she looked up and, with a look of profound tenderness, raised her arm as if to touch his hair. But then she stopped and let her arm drop with a rueful smile. She sighed. Then she seemed to come to a decision and, with a mixture of affection and determination, leaned over as to kiss his hair or whisper something in his ear. But before she could be either, she was gone.
He continued to stare at the book for a long time, trying to read. But the words would not hold still. The world seemed so much more empty now than it was just a short while ago. Finally he closed the book with a sigh and set it aside. He closed his eyes, laid his head upon the covers and finally, at long last, began to weep.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Communication and Healing
I came across this video the others day: KRYON "Cellullar Comunication" - Lee Carroll
This talk is about communicating with your own body. I seemed to come to me at just the right time, I am so ready for a message like this. I meditated while listening to this and followed along, trying what he said, combined with QHHT, and got very cool results.
He talked about was the inability of the body, of the cells in your body, to communicate with the conscious mind. This is where I made a major change. I used my techniques from QHHT to call in the subconscious mind so I could actually have a dialogue. And it worked. One thing I learned, for instance, was that my problems with my left leg and foot were caused by bad shoes. Actually, they were worn out and needed replacement. Yesterday I got new running shoes and today I tried running a few miles. No problems! The first time in at least a year that I haven’t had pain either during or after a run. Yes!
It’s clear to me that I must have worked through some blocks about healing myself. I’ve tried things like this before with indifferent results, and my expectations this time weren’t real high, but I had a feeling that this time the results would be different. And they were.
He also said that once you entered into communication with your cells, you would feel tingling or chills, That would be your cells rejoicing because they were so happy that you were finally talking to them. Well, I tried it and he was right. When I addressed them, I felt warmth and tingling up and down my back and upper body. Then I went through a process of acknowledging my body for what it does for me and how well it does it. Then came the part that was most difficult for me, offering my body the sincere gratitude and love that it is due for being part of me. That took some time and effort since I have always found acknowledging and expressing love difficult, even if it’s just to myself. Reflecting on that now, I think it reveals the remnants of “I’m worthless” which still haunt random nooks and crannies of my psyche.
Then the conversation turned to the physical. I started with my back, mostly out of habit. I don’t currently have back problems, but I did for a long while and it now seems to be my go-to spot when I think about healing. At least that’s what I thought. What I learned, when I started listening and feeling, was somewhat different. My body showed me that the bones of my back and ribs needed healing, due to osteoporosis, perhaps caused by unneeded thyroid medication, or just age. I had the conversation about whether the problem could be healed, whether the subconscious was willing to heal it and whether it would heal it. I’m not sure if this conversation is strictly necessary, but it doesn’t hurt to treat the various parts of yourself with some respect.
All that said, I requested that the bones be rebuilt and felt the work starting in on my spine and some of my ribs. (It looks like work needs to be done on my hips as well, I didn’t think to ask at the time.) That whole process took some time. (I don’t think everything was complete in that time, but I think that perhaps some extra attention and focus is required to get things started, and then the process can continue in the background.) While that was going on, I asked the subconscious to tell me what it was doing (“filling them with white light”) and looked around for other issues.
The other thing that came up was a tiny infection at the root of one of my teeth. I’d had a root canal thirty years ago, and a repeat, on the same tooth, twenty years later, but they’d only been able to find one of the three roots. And now, the dentist always points out a small dark spot, at the tip of one of the roots, when he show me x-rays. He thinks that is an infection. But, it’s at a place that is very hard to get to, so, as long as it doesn’t give any trouble, he wants to leave it alone. So now it came up and I proposed it be healed. In fact, I thought, why not deal with all the problems in my gums, teeth and jaws while your at it?
So, off it went. I quickly felt heat, fleeting pains and other feelings in my upper and lower jaws. I can’t remember exactly where the infected root is, so I didn’t know were to expect stuff to happen. What did happen was that things got intense around my upper left jaw, then spread upward towards my left eye and over to my nose and sinuses. That’s when a lightbulb went on about some sinus issues I’d been wondering about. This process continued for a good fifteen minutes before I had to get up and get on with my day. I put in the suggestion that the work would continue, in the background, as long as needed, and got up.
Today, I still notice some warmth and other feelings in my jaw and surrounding areas, so it looks like the work is continuing. I wonder if the dentist is in for a surprise the next time I get x-rays?
This talk is about communicating with your own body. I seemed to come to me at just the right time, I am so ready for a message like this. I meditated while listening to this and followed along, trying what he said, combined with QHHT, and got very cool results.
He talked about was the inability of the body, of the cells in your body, to communicate with the conscious mind. This is where I made a major change. I used my techniques from QHHT to call in the subconscious mind so I could actually have a dialogue. And it worked. One thing I learned, for instance, was that my problems with my left leg and foot were caused by bad shoes. Actually, they were worn out and needed replacement. Yesterday I got new running shoes and today I tried running a few miles. No problems! The first time in at least a year that I haven’t had pain either during or after a run. Yes!
It’s clear to me that I must have worked through some blocks about healing myself. I’ve tried things like this before with indifferent results, and my expectations this time weren’t real high, but I had a feeling that this time the results would be different. And they were.
He also said that once you entered into communication with your cells, you would feel tingling or chills, That would be your cells rejoicing because they were so happy that you were finally talking to them. Well, I tried it and he was right. When I addressed them, I felt warmth and tingling up and down my back and upper body. Then I went through a process of acknowledging my body for what it does for me and how well it does it. Then came the part that was most difficult for me, offering my body the sincere gratitude and love that it is due for being part of me. That took some time and effort since I have always found acknowledging and expressing love difficult, even if it’s just to myself. Reflecting on that now, I think it reveals the remnants of “I’m worthless” which still haunt random nooks and crannies of my psyche.
Then the conversation turned to the physical. I started with my back, mostly out of habit. I don’t currently have back problems, but I did for a long while and it now seems to be my go-to spot when I think about healing. At least that’s what I thought. What I learned, when I started listening and feeling, was somewhat different. My body showed me that the bones of my back and ribs needed healing, due to osteoporosis, perhaps caused by unneeded thyroid medication, or just age. I had the conversation about whether the problem could be healed, whether the subconscious was willing to heal it and whether it would heal it. I’m not sure if this conversation is strictly necessary, but it doesn’t hurt to treat the various parts of yourself with some respect.
All that said, I requested that the bones be rebuilt and felt the work starting in on my spine and some of my ribs. (It looks like work needs to be done on my hips as well, I didn’t think to ask at the time.) That whole process took some time. (I don’t think everything was complete in that time, but I think that perhaps some extra attention and focus is required to get things started, and then the process can continue in the background.) While that was going on, I asked the subconscious to tell me what it was doing (“filling them with white light”) and looked around for other issues.
The other thing that came up was a tiny infection at the root of one of my teeth. I’d had a root canal thirty years ago, and a repeat, on the same tooth, twenty years later, but they’d only been able to find one of the three roots. And now, the dentist always points out a small dark spot, at the tip of one of the roots, when he show me x-rays. He thinks that is an infection. But, it’s at a place that is very hard to get to, so, as long as it doesn’t give any trouble, he wants to leave it alone. So now it came up and I proposed it be healed. In fact, I thought, why not deal with all the problems in my gums, teeth and jaws while your at it?
So, off it went. I quickly felt heat, fleeting pains and other feelings in my upper and lower jaws. I can’t remember exactly where the infected root is, so I didn’t know were to expect stuff to happen. What did happen was that things got intense around my upper left jaw, then spread upward towards my left eye and over to my nose and sinuses. That’s when a lightbulb went on about some sinus issues I’d been wondering about. This process continued for a good fifteen minutes before I had to get up and get on with my day. I put in the suggestion that the work would continue, in the background, as long as needed, and got up.
Today, I still notice some warmth and other feelings in my jaw and surrounding areas, so it looks like the work is continuing. I wonder if the dentist is in for a surprise the next time I get x-rays?
Thursday, January 1, 2015
"Things I don’t want to remember" in review
This is a follow-up to my post “Things I don’t want to remember.”
I’ve realized that I shouldn’t take that whole story as a literal past-life, but as a wakeup call, a gentle reminder to get off my high horse. I feel that, while the actual events may or may not have happened, the emotions and the motivations were very intense, immediate and powerful. So intense that it’s hard to imagine that I haven’t been is some situation like that, somewhere, sometime, and succumbed to the temptation.
When I look at the world today I see religious sects at war with each other, countries invading each other, Christian extremists preaching hate for pretty much everybody, unarmed black men being gunned down by whites with no apparent consequences, institutionalized greed run amok and political parties who can’t agree on anything, even among themselves. I see a world that has decided that the solution to every problem is rampant slaughter of anyone you don’t like, or gets in your way, or you might not like, or who could get in your way. How could I possibly not slide into despair and cynicism?
There lies the danger. Being holier that thou, better than that. How could those people possibility be so cruel and heartless? Why can’t everyone just get along, like me? Oops. There it is. I’m so much better than them. I wouldn’t get pulled into that cycle of hate, fear and violence. Yah, sure, maybe. Watch out, set yourself on a pedestal and it only takes one misstep for you to fall off.
So, the message is to have compassion. In deed, I am no different than the worst of them, so don’t assign myself any moral superiority. The footing on that moral high ground can be extremely precarious. Can I decry their actions without denouncing their being, while I attempt to understand the forces that put them where they are. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions, and violence for violence and killing for killing solves nothing.
The Dalai Lama meets the genocide of his people and destruction of his culture with love and compassion, while working for peace and reconciliation. People are and will continue to be. We must allow them dignity and self respect, if we are going to heal the planet. To heal the planet, we must heal fear.
Everyone is afraid. Average Joe is afraid of losing his job. The CEO is afraid of the next quarterly report. The 1% are afraid of the stock market. Christians are afraid of God, Muslims are afraid of Jews, Jews are afraid of pretty much everybody. Everyone is afraid of change and the possibility of losing what they have. It all boils down to “stuff.”
Perhaps the Dalai Lama takes the long view. When you’ve lived fourteen lifetimes, all the “stuff” we fight about, money, resources, land, power, faith, “honor,” don’t mean a whole lot. Nothing, really. Spirit is the only thing that survives. As monuments crumple, empires disintegrate, wealth disperses, deeds are forgotten and faiths fade, all that remains is spirit. The only constructions that can survive are those built of love and community. Spiritual growth bridges the gaps between generations, and is the only thing that will, ultimately, heal the planet and ourselves.
I am not above the system. I am not better than the system. I am within the system. I am the system. We must use the tools of the system, flawed as they are, to heal the system. Our flaws make it possible to understand and relate to the difficulties we face. We must use them without being used by them.
Thank you for listening.
I’ve realized that I shouldn’t take that whole story as a literal past-life, but as a wakeup call, a gentle reminder to get off my high horse. I feel that, while the actual events may or may not have happened, the emotions and the motivations were very intense, immediate and powerful. So intense that it’s hard to imagine that I haven’t been is some situation like that, somewhere, sometime, and succumbed to the temptation.
When I look at the world today I see religious sects at war with each other, countries invading each other, Christian extremists preaching hate for pretty much everybody, unarmed black men being gunned down by whites with no apparent consequences, institutionalized greed run amok and political parties who can’t agree on anything, even among themselves. I see a world that has decided that the solution to every problem is rampant slaughter of anyone you don’t like, or gets in your way, or you might not like, or who could get in your way. How could I possibly not slide into despair and cynicism?
There lies the danger. Being holier that thou, better than that. How could those people possibility be so cruel and heartless? Why can’t everyone just get along, like me? Oops. There it is. I’m so much better than them. I wouldn’t get pulled into that cycle of hate, fear and violence. Yah, sure, maybe. Watch out, set yourself on a pedestal and it only takes one misstep for you to fall off.
So, the message is to have compassion. In deed, I am no different than the worst of them, so don’t assign myself any moral superiority. The footing on that moral high ground can be extremely precarious. Can I decry their actions without denouncing their being, while I attempt to understand the forces that put them where they are. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions, and violence for violence and killing for killing solves nothing.
The Dalai Lama meets the genocide of his people and destruction of his culture with love and compassion, while working for peace and reconciliation. People are and will continue to be. We must allow them dignity and self respect, if we are going to heal the planet. To heal the planet, we must heal fear.
Everyone is afraid. Average Joe is afraid of losing his job. The CEO is afraid of the next quarterly report. The 1% are afraid of the stock market. Christians are afraid of God, Muslims are afraid of Jews, Jews are afraid of pretty much everybody. Everyone is afraid of change and the possibility of losing what they have. It all boils down to “stuff.”
Perhaps the Dalai Lama takes the long view. When you’ve lived fourteen lifetimes, all the “stuff” we fight about, money, resources, land, power, faith, “honor,” don’t mean a whole lot. Nothing, really. Spirit is the only thing that survives. As monuments crumple, empires disintegrate, wealth disperses, deeds are forgotten and faiths fade, all that remains is spirit. The only constructions that can survive are those built of love and community. Spiritual growth bridges the gaps between generations, and is the only thing that will, ultimately, heal the planet and ourselves.
I am not above the system. I am not better than the system. I am within the system. I am the system. We must use the tools of the system, flawed as they are, to heal the system. Our flaws make it possible to understand and relate to the difficulties we face. We must use them without being used by them.
Thank you for listening.
Love and Healing
In the late afternoon I was writing and she was sleeping on a chair near me, doing the curl-into-a-ball thing. She seemed peaceful enough. But I noticed, after a while, that about every five to ten minutes she would get up and lay back down on the opposite side, as though she couldn’t get comfortable. So, once I finished writing, I carefully scooped her up and carried her to the family room where my wife was watching something. There I settled her on my lap and did my healing thing. She protested, weakly, when I picked her up, but otherwise seemed content. I did my “laying on of hands” thing for about 20 minutes when she suddenly perked up, hopped down to go eat, and shortly thereafter went outside. Noticeably perkier.
The next day, I was writing in the living room when Dusty decided to move in on my lap. She seemed better, but still somewhat sluggish. As she was doing her walk-back-and-forth-across-my-lap-sticking-her-tail-in-my-face thing, I was running my hands over her, as I usually do, and noticed two distinct hot spots, one right behind the right shoulder and the other at the right hip. I put my hands on those places and did the energy thing. She immediately stopped moving, then, after a short time, squatted down and held that position for several minutes while I kept my hands in place. When she’d apparently had enough, she unceremoniously got up, walked to another part of the couch and squatted down, purring loudly.
After that she seems much better. Still hoarse, but otherwise acting like her normal self. I like to think I had something to do with that.
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