How much I don’t know. How I don’t like being told what to do. As smart as I think I am, I can easily be put at a loss by what can happen in a session. I can be humbled by what I can’t do. And what I wish I could do. I am jellies of all the stuff that I hear other people doing that I can’t.
My kitty is sick. We will take her to the doctor, cause I can’t seem to help her. I put all i know into detecting and healing her issues but she isn’t getting better. Well, she is a little better, but she is still droopy and her voice is hoarse and weak. Why can’t I help?
My feeling is that I have issues that don’t allow me to access that which would help. I really feel that when she looks at me with those trusting and pleading eyes that ask me to do something. The doctor will have to be it. Though, the last time our cat got sick like this, the doctor said they couldn’t do anything and we had to let him die. So I hope that I can do something. Perhaps morph it into something the doctors can heal. What would I learn from this? What should I be learning from this?
I am falling down on the job. I am not spending the time in meditation that I need. I should be spending a lot more time working directly with myself. There is a lot I need to accomplish. It’s all waiting for me to get to it, but I don’t seem to find the time. There’s always something else that needs to be done. The rest of life keeps intruding.
I am afraid of what I need to do. I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to open my mouth, for what might come out will make me nothing. I will be left out in the cold, alone. They will leave me with nothing. I want to try, but it feels like faking. It feels like I’m not really doing anything. I resist the idea because it’s all just a bunch of crap that makes me look stupid if anyone finds out.
I talk to other people. I try to meet with other healers, hypnotists, counselors, etc., and I get hostility. Subtle, but it’s there. Like I’m trying to horn in on their territory. Is that what it’s all about? Seems there would be room for all. Some feel struggling, some feel professional, but not in the focus I am. Perhaps it’s a good idea that I get the conventional training, it will give me something to work with that seems “conventional” to regular clients. Also, conventional hypnotherapy requires more sessions, and shorter sessions, so I can get more income from it than regressions.
But where does that leave me? It feels like there’s a wall around me. A wall that is formed out of my beliefs, belief in my limitations. Or the limitations, restrictions, or “practical realities” of this world. I want to do something about it, but, somehow, I always find some way to avoid doing it. And when I do try, I give up so easily. Too tired. It should come more easily. I should come without me having to “do” something, physically. I should just be able to do it all in my head. It should be easy, just like it seems when I read about it in books. To everyone else, all this stuff “just happens,” why should it be so hard for me? There must be something wrong with me. Somehow I’m not good enough, not doing it right. It must be, otherwise, why am I not getting all this cool stuff?
Right now, I feel almost like crying. But I don’t know why. I just want to curl up and bawl, but I don’t know what about. It’s so sad. It’s lost, it’s left behind, it’s gone and forgotten. I keep seeing a ruin. It’s a deeply despairing ruin. Lonely and empty. Blocks of stone, marking were walls once stood. Vines and creepers covering floors and dislodging windows. Slowly pushing block apart, turning once neat rooms into piles of anonymous rubble. Life is gone, the wind blows through. Barriers are down. Light and laughter has been swept away.
Work didn’t help. Study didn’t help. Color and laughter faded by long neglect. We didn’t take care. Powerful sea winds howl across the scrublands, blasting away anything resembling a bush or tree. Fear, laziness and neglect, resistance to change. Slowly the old ways drop away, one by one, because no one understands. No one wants to take the time to understand. Old men don’t want to share. Young men don’t want to learn. When things no longer work, they convince themselves that the never worked. It was all a myth.
Time has come to reclaim the past. Time has come to stop pretending that we are the smartest of them all. Time has come to re-open the doors of perception that have been left to rust closed for centuries. Learn. Learn to teach your children. Teach your children more than you know. They must open the doors that we cannot. They must be allowed to discover what we cannot. We must allow them to understand what we cannot. Their growth must be more that we can know. We cannot teach them, for we do not know. We must show them the path, teach them to walk, then step aside as they find their way into lands we will never see.
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