I am Unworthy

Today’s mediation: I am unworthy.

I see I am unworthy. Unworthy to be loved, unworthy to be trusted, unworthy to be supported, unworthy to survive. I contain a deep evil that doesn’t not allow me to be One. To be with One. To be allowed into communion. I cannot be free. It is written.

Past becomes the present. These things come forward and present a great weight upon my soul. Freedom is a dream for those with abilities. I have no abilities that are allowed to be shared. Failure is my birthright, destruction is my pastime, emptiness is my legacy.

I must seek support from oppressive structures. They are the only place where I am allowed to exist. Standing on my own is a false dream. I am sand. I dry and crumble in the sun, blow away as dust in the wind. I rot, I crumble, I decay. I am an old piece of wood, infused with fungus, rotting away. Crumpling. With gaping holes. Turning to dust. There is nothing solid within me. I will collapse at the slightest touch. I have nothing to give. Nothing is my place in the world.

Dust will feed another. Others will feast on the dust of my ruin. All is forgotten. Present is past. The lines reach and merge. Intwining past, present and future with communication. Gone is not forgotten. The past colors the present, future smears onto the past. We ride the lines from past to present to future at will. We are free to be where and what we will.

We are past and present and future. Our focus is a bump on a log, a wave on the sea. Waves travel from birth to death, never separating from that from which they are born. Always a part of the ocean. Always in communion with the medium of their birth. Always in union, always one. Constantly changing yet identity remains. Always forming and reforming, gathering the new into itself, releasing the old, yet maintaining it’s identity as long as need be.

Drabbles of poison seep in from the past. An essence of evil seeps decay into the heart of all that comes after. I have known evil. It’s powerful spice cannot be washed or wished away. The slightest trace sours the greatest triumph. Forgiveness is lacking. Forgiveness of self to release the awful power of suppressed disgust.

Release is coming. See, understand, know, accept, forgive, release. Powerful words of holy transformation. A powerful process of evolutionary growth, revolutionary process of understanding, grasping, absorbing, merging with the unspeakable knowledge of oneness.

Denial of the past is the cancer. Wallow in the past is a disease. Clearing of the past into truth reveals health. Let nothing be suppressed. Let all rise into the light. Let all be exposed as part of all there is. Evil is judgment. Light will wash all away. Make deeds and thoughts transparent to understanding. All is scowered away until nothing but knowledge and transformation remains. Let fear and disgust evaporate in the fierce light of truth. Let rot and disease be pulled from the shadows and stripped of denial. Let them fade to the pale facts that they are. Let the overpowering sun blast the accumulated weight of despair and hopeless from the experience we need to grow, mature and finally become one with God of all there is.