I'm up against it

I just finished my first three, eight-hour, days of hypnosis training. It’s a lot to take in, a lot to practice, absorb and own. And I’m “Up against it.” “It” started near the end of the second day, and that night I had two, “visions,” if you will, one joyful and one disturbing.

Near the end of the second day, my stomach began to bother me. Nothing major, but a small discomfort that gradually grew until it was pretty nasty by evening. It’s been bothering me on and off for months. Lately it’s been quiet, but it really began to amp up when I volunteered to participate in the last demonstration of the day.

The demonstration was on Skill Rehearsal, which is walking the client through something they want to practice without actually doing it. Though it’s really big in sports right now, it can be used for practically anything. It I can help improve skill, and reduce anxiety, depending on what you need. The skill I picked was a cold reading in a theatrical audition. (I was a little surprised that no one there had ever heard that term!) I found myself balking as the instructor lead me through the process, I was feeling embarrassed and stupid because I picked such a lame thing to work on. I worked through it, as best I could, but I was really uncomfortable and, actually, afraid. I don’t know what I was afraid of, but there you are. It’s now two days later and that feeling of fear and panic still hasn’t left.

After the exercise, we were talking and someone mentioned that they knew of an improv group, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “I suck at improv!” Where did that come from?! And, at the same time, I saw a brick wall in my minds eye. That was the barrier that keeps me from going “off script” when I speak. It doesn’t need to be in public, but there needs to be a least one other person present. I call it the “deer in the headlights” feeling, where I freeze, mentally and physically, when the unexpected happens.

Later that night I had two scenes come into my head. A cool, positive one, that I don’t remember, and a disturbing one that is firmly entrenched in my memory. In that scene, there was a woman in front of me with large breasts that stuck straight out, about a foot, like handles. She had no face, the front of her head was blank. I was grasping both breasts, one in each hand, and squeezing as hard as I could. These breasts felt more like rubber than natural flesh. As I was squeezing, I was totally present to the feelings in my hands and arms as they were trembling with the effort. In my mind was the certainty that I would be released, if I just squeezed hard enough and I absolutely could not wait any longer. I had to get out RIGHT NOW!

I’m at a loss to understand what it meant. I shared it with the teacher the next morning, but she couldn’t offer any useful insights either. Since then, my stomach has been really bothering me, and sleep has been trial since I now have a huge sense of urgency that just will not leave me alone. It attaches to everything around me and I feel that, if I’m not careful, I could just lose it in a panic to “get things done.”

That’s enough for today. I will continue working.