Healing Theater?

Today I experienced something new: I participated in something called Taga, A type of healing ceremony. It’s difficult to explain what happened, but I’ll try. Before it started, the leader tried to explain what she was doing and what it was all about, but I’m afraid it didn’t mean a whole lot to me. The explanation did make somewhat more sense after we were done.

The session had a leader, a client and participators. The participators were chosen and assigned roles during the ceremony. As I understand it, the ceremony used symbols as surrogates for things like Holy Spirit, love and grace, but, for the most part, no one but the leader knew what each symbol meant until we were done.

I don’t know if the leader and client talked a head of time or not. I would think so, but I didn’t notice them talking before we started. However, the leader seemed to have some idea what the client was after and moved us through a kind of play that seemed to uncover and explore the issues the client was dealing with.

Each of the participants were assigned roles by the client. I was Ease (or flow) another was Anger and another was the client. Were were told to move as we pleased, except when directed by the leader. Often we were asked our impressions or feelings, and those were used to guide the leader. As things went on, the leader used various objects (stuffed animals, pillows, scarfs, blankets) to hold various intentions. We were not told what the intensions were, we were just given the objects, or they were placed on or around us, and then we were asked how that made us feel. At different times I was hot, cold, balanced and dizzy. At one point, the leader placed something on my left hand and my left ear began to ring, loudly. Later, she gave me a stuffed animal and had me hold to my chest. That caused me discomfort, bordering on pain, in my pectoral muscles. When I told her that, she brought over another animal and tucked it behind the first. Then the discomfort eased up considerably.

Early on, my torso was very hot and my hands and calves and feet were cold. Near the end of the ceremony the leader removed the stuffed animals from my chest and all my discomfort disappeared. I actually felt very open and light. At the same time the temperature evened out over my entire body, my torso cooler and the arms and legs warmer.

At another point, the leader placed two pillows on the floor behind the person representing the client. The person then backed up until she was behind the pillows, because that’s where she felt “safe.” The leader then told us that the pillows represented Mother and Father, and the client’s position represented being “before birth.” Later, I found myself standing between those pillows for a time, and that was very uncomfortable. I felt like I was being squeezed. The feeling left me as soon as I was able to step away from the pillows. Almost like being born.

After a while, things seemed to reach a kind of resolution. Then the leader explained what was going on to the client. I’m not sure if I followed everything, but it seemed to mean a lot to the client. I hope she got what she wanted.

I’ve only covered a few of my impressions here. It seemed to me that is was a way to use group consciousness to bring to light information in the client’s subconscious in a way that can lead for healing. It clearly requires intuition and/or guidance on the part of the leader. I think it was pretty cool that the leader was able to generate and manipulate our actions without telling us what the stimulus was. We were just given an anonymous object and told to react. We had no idea what the object represented, and yet we responded in appropriate and informative ways.

I can see how this could have been a form of “sacred theater.” Were people were able to heal each other by working together, learning about each other and bonding in the process. To me, it seems a better way than simply having someone “fix” you while you do nothing, or just watching a healer do all the work.

I never would have known something like this existed if I didn’t randomly pick things and show up. Someone said that 90% of life is just showing up. I think it’s time for me to “show up” in more places.

The Woman and the City

Last nigh was triply, to say the least. I went to bed somewhat earlier than I usually do. Before I went to sleep I watched this World's Earliest Civilization Documentary on the World's First Civilizations in Iraq on YouTube. Maybe that was a mistake, or perhaps it just shook something lose. But in any case, my head and dreams were full of images of ancient cities and the people who lived there. By 1:30 is was clear that I wasn’t going to sleep until I got everything out of my head by writing it down. This is what I got. A reincarnation love story?

The Woman in the City

Ancient image. A young woman. Though one could hardly tell, wrapped in arab robes so that nothing can be seen but a patch a brown skin and startling blue eyes. She walks between the weathered walls of what was once the first city of the world, oldest and mightiest of all. Under her shoes is the dust of millennia, containing the crumbled facades of palaces who’s magnificence is the stuff of legend. Bricks that still glow with the verdant glaze of forgotten vanity are ground into anonymous gravel beside the humble fragment of ordinary mud brick. Bricks fashioned so long ago, by hands that are so long dead that the very memory of their entire way of life has faded to the merest whisper. Drifting like a specter across the blasted landscape they once tamed, assuming their dominion would last forever.

Alas, my love, you have passed beyond
I have seen you before
So many times
That, in my memory,
Your face has become a kaleidoscope of impressions
Personalities passing across your skin
Like the shadows across the ground
As the sun completes it’s task

One after another
The lives pass
Hue upon hue, eyes liquid
Changing shape and color with each passing day
With each dawn and new face
A new form, a new color, a new personality
Different, but each containing the spark of the original
Each tailored for the lesson it must learn
Each engraved with failures
But infused with joy
From goodness gained and love restored

You come to me down the years
We have passed so many times through the night
Each time to say goodbye
Yet to return, again and agin
Fresh as the dewed flower
Ready to begin again
Each time richer than the last
Souls marbled with knowledge beyond speaking
Gained through experience and pain.

You cannot find me this time round
We are separated by years, by place
by obligations by deeds
Parallel, we must remain apart
To complete whatever plan
Each has in place
Til time passes
the world turns
And we are together again.

So much time has passed
Since we walked those ancient streets
In a world as new and fresh as we
We’ve loved and lost
Fought and gained
Cherished and murdered
Played all the roles, from dusk til dawn
Yet still there seems to be more to come
Before this cosmic script plays out
Then we will be one
Intertwined
Like smoke in a crowded room
One so like the other
there is no longer two

How many times must my heart break
How many times must I be torn asunder
My heartstring ripped from my body
Each one snapping
Individually
Pain upon grief
Til loss leaves me an empty shell
Ready to collapse in upon itself
At the slightest touch

Future becomes past
The wheel of life turns
New spokes are added as others fall away
Our spokes have come near
And, perhaps, will stay for a time
Before the inevitable forces
Twist us apart again

Do you remember
I expect not
The memory has settled deep
This time
We set ourselves obstacles
That may be too high
We were too confident
That love could cut through
Anything

But this time
I fear we were wrong
Memories surfaced too late
And maybe not at all
Though that is still to see

How do I ask
How do you recall
Memories so throughly locked away
So diligently sealed against discovery
Walled up in the most secure tomb
Never yet uncovered

So I speak to your spirit
In the netherworld
We can’t touch
But share a space

Would it be better to forget
Be vaguely longing for
I know not what
Rather than knowing what was
Is not

Mutual Awakening #1

I am participating the Mutual Awakening practice with Patricia Albere. It’s a sixteen week, virtual course that seeks “to actively create a shared field of awakening that fosters greater human capacity for collaboration, creativity and healing.” We meet by phone and on-line with people throughout the world. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and I’m still not sure what’s going to happen, but I’m along for the ride.

I signed up for this course on impulse. With my new practice, I was thinking I need to expand my circle of “being known.” That was awkward. What I mean is that to be successful in the alternative/spiritual health field, you to become known and recognized. You need to gain enough “street cred” so that people seek you out for sessions, and for speaking engagements and other events. I may not get much of that from this course. Seeing how it’s virtual, it doesn’t seem likely that anyone will get to know anyone else. We don’t generally use last names or even see each other. But you never know, there are off-line events that could lend some exposure.

We’ve had two sessions so far. During the first, I was in my car and could only listen. I didn’t realize that the course was to be largely interactive. (By law, around here you can’t use a phone while driving.) I was planning to only listen, but they kept pairing me up with people and expecting me to participate. Oops. Sorry guys. I arrived at my destination in time to participate in the very last interaction, idling by the roadside. I have a feeling that I didn’t get much out of the session because my attention was largely on the road.

This second session was a bit different. This time I was home, and I could shut myself in a room by myself and listen and respond without distractions.

There were two or three exercises in the second session. (I can’t remember if there was a final, short one at the end or not.) The exercises seemed to be designed to produce a shared consciousness between the two participants. One person spoke about what they were experiencing for a set period of time, (“I’m experiencing…”), then the other did the same, and then we exchanged statements starting with “We are experiencing…”

I didn’t know what to do with the first exercise. I ended up just doing a stream-of-consciousness thing, which probably sounded pretty random.

The second exercise was the same, but longer. This time other person went first. I interrupted her about half way through because I couldn’t hear what she was saying. That may have been a mistake, it seemed to completely destroy the flow. (Afterwards someone shared that she couldn’t understand a word her partner shared the entire exercise, and she just went with the rhythm of the sounds. I could have done that. Next time.) Fortunately, by the time we got to the “we” part, things seemed to recover and we got into an interesting grove.

From the very beginning, I was seeing stars in a nighttime sky. That came back stronger in the third part, and we both started feeding off that, back and forth. I don’t remember what was said, but in my mind there evolved a picture where I was floating high above a dark planet. The planet was on my left and was dark because the sun was behind it, silhouetting rings above me. The stars, all around me, were extremely bright and hard, multicolored jewels sharply defined against the absolute black. Away from the sun, and some distance away, was a fuzzy, white-ish disk. Maybe it was a planet, maybe something else. It seemed foggy and surrounded by fog.

This image grew as we shared impressions, back and forth. By the end, we were both floating above the planet, out there somewhere in space. At the very end I had an impression that I shared, but now I can’t remember. What I do remember is that there we were surrounded by a constellation of heavenly bodies. All grayish-white or ghost like. All different sizes and distances, and there was something significant about them—but I can’t remember what it was.

Was there some kind of shared experience, or were we just feeding off each other’s imaginations? Open question. Let’s just see what happens.

I am Unworthy

Today’s mediation: I am unworthy.

I see I am unworthy. Unworthy to be loved, unworthy to be trusted, unworthy to be supported, unworthy to survive. I contain a deep evil that doesn’t not allow me to be One. To be with One. To be allowed into communion. I cannot be free. It is written.

Past becomes the present. These things come forward and present a great weight upon my soul. Freedom is a dream for those with abilities. I have no abilities that are allowed to be shared. Failure is my birthright, destruction is my pastime, emptiness is my legacy.

I must seek support from oppressive structures. They are the only place where I am allowed to exist. Standing on my own is a false dream. I am sand. I dry and crumble in the sun, blow away as dust in the wind. I rot, I crumble, I decay. I am an old piece of wood, infused with fungus, rotting away. Crumpling. With gaping holes. Turning to dust. There is nothing solid within me. I will collapse at the slightest touch. I have nothing to give. Nothing is my place in the world.

Dust will feed another. Others will feast on the dust of my ruin. All is forgotten. Present is past. The lines reach and merge. Intwining past, present and future with communication. Gone is not forgotten. The past colors the present, future smears onto the past. We ride the lines from past to present to future at will. We are free to be where and what we will.

We are past and present and future. Our focus is a bump on a log, a wave on the sea. Waves travel from birth to death, never separating from that from which they are born. Always a part of the ocean. Always in communion with the medium of their birth. Always in union, always one. Constantly changing yet identity remains. Always forming and reforming, gathering the new into itself, releasing the old, yet maintaining it’s identity as long as need be.

Drabbles of poison seep in from the past. An essence of evil seeps decay into the heart of all that comes after. I have known evil. It’s powerful spice cannot be washed or wished away. The slightest trace sours the greatest triumph. Forgiveness is lacking. Forgiveness of self to release the awful power of suppressed disgust.

Release is coming. See, understand, know, accept, forgive, release. Powerful words of holy transformation. A powerful process of evolutionary growth, revolutionary process of understanding, grasping, absorbing, merging with the unspeakable knowledge of oneness.

Denial of the past is the cancer. Wallow in the past is a disease. Clearing of the past into truth reveals health. Let nothing be suppressed. Let all rise into the light. Let all be exposed as part of all there is. Evil is judgment. Light will wash all away. Make deeds and thoughts transparent to understanding. All is scowered away until nothing but knowledge and transformation remains. Let fear and disgust evaporate in the fierce light of truth. Let rot and disease be pulled from the shadows and stripped of denial. Let them fade to the pale facts that they are. Let the overpowering sun blast the accumulated weight of despair and hopeless from the experience we need to grow, mature and finally become one with God of all there is.

A Dream About Social Mores

This dream was about a place where the world was divided into to distinct sets of mores.

I was at some kind a school or college, in a room that seemed like a large classroom recycled into a social gathering place. The room was more-or-less square, with no decorations on the walls. The only furniture was large number of chairs and small tables, like in a cafe. The room was large and fairly full of students hanging out, talking, eating, singly or in groups. The room had one window, it was near the far end, away from the door, in the left wall. This had two mirrored walls, the wall with the door and the one directly opposite it.

The important thing about this room was that there was a strip, about five feet wide, that ran from one mirrored wall to the other, parallel to the non-mirrored walls. This stripe was on the floor, ceiling, and on the mirrors. It was noticeably darker than the rest of the room, even where it crossed the mirrors. The thing about the strip was that there were different social mores for people within the stripe, than for those outside the stripe. This was something that I “knew” ran throughout the society. In every place in this world, there were stripes where you were, allowed or required, to behave differently. I was a visitor there, so I wasn’t really sure what the rules were.

So, in the dream, I was moving around the room, in revealing clothes, and watching for the people's reactions. I wanted to see what the boundaries were, inside and outside of the strip. I was having trouble finding out what the differences were, between the stripe and normal, because people were ether ignoring me or were too polite to react.

This dream might have been prompted by an fashion article I read last night, that now I can’t find. Here’s another about the same show Rick Owens Sends Pantless Models & Exposed Penises Down The Runway. It was about how women regularly expose virtually every part of the bodies on the runways of high-fashion shows without comment, but when a designer exposed even a glimpse of a man’s penis caused shock and giggles. I don’t know why that particular article stuck in my mind and caused a dream when there are plenty of other places that we all see every day where reality and common sense take a backseat to silly, arbitrary rules. Politics being a prime example.

Forest and Beaver

The other evening I went to an open house at HCH Institute, where I am planning to get my clinical hypnotherapy certification this winter, and had two very interesting experiences with example sessions they conducted. The institute is located on a hillside in Lafayette, CA., in a building with multiple levels, and had a very eclectic layout and decor that suits me fine. At the end of the evening, they conducted two sessions for the people who wanted to stay on after the presentations. One session was hypnosis and the other was called a Shamanic Journey.

During the first session, one of the faculty played the harp while another walked around the room, conducting the session. I usually have a difficult time in groups. I’m self-conscious and have a hard time letting go with other people around. This time was very different: As soon as I closed my eyes I was in another place that was so pervasive that I didn’t want to leave. Not only that, but afterwards the room felt awkward, like it was the “wrong” shape and smaller that it should be.

What I saw when I closed my eyes was a lush forest. it often takes me a while to form some kind of image, but this time it was just there as soon as I looked. All the people in the room were there as well, but different. The man playing the harp was still playing the harp, but he was a stag-like creature, thin, with dark fur, hooves and spiky, branching horns sticking straight up. Yes, it seemed a bit weird that a creature with hooves could play the harp, but there you go. The woman conducting the session was a transparent, white, ghostly entity. She seemed both a gray-white ball floating at head height and trailing transparent streamers down to the floor, and a white ghost woman wearing long robes. The rest of the people were just dark lumps that didn’t move, exactly in the same locations as they were with my eyes open. The room itself was much bigger. It was a clearing surrounded by dense, dark green, foliage. The greenery was so dense that I couldn’t see anything outside of the clearing.

In the foreground, kind of superimposed between me and the rest of the scene, was a small stream. A beaver (I think) was standing on it’s hind legs on a large rock on the far side of the stream, watching me, and otters played in the water. This bit seemed like something from somewhere else that was imposing itself on my mind’s eye, for some reason. The “beaver” first appeared in a meditation the day before, so I’m thinking it’s some kind of spirit guide. I suppose I’ll learn more about that later.

What was most unusual about this was it’s persistence. Lately I’m been having a real hard time focusing on anything in my meditations. My mind just jumps continuously from one image and idea to another. The forest image was rock solid the entire time, allowing me ample time to study the details. Another interesting thing about the image is that it’s not something I have ever seen before, in any of my imaginings. The only thing that resembles it, that I can think of, are certain romantic paintings of the late 1800’s.

The second session took us on a shamanic journey, accompanied by drumming. The leader asked us to go to a beach. I picked a beach I went to in my twenties when I was camping with friends. I don’t know exactly were it is, but it was probably somewhere south of Santa Cruz, California. I pictured the place at night, the time of the session, and I remembered the sea grass in the moonlight and felt a strong, cold wind off the water. We were asked to go into the water. This didn’t really work for me, as I know just how cold the water is out here, and the last thing I want to do in this weather is go into the water.

Never the less, I did go into the water. But I really couldn’t get into it because I know how really cold it is, and I just can’t see myself floating and relaxing in water that cold. At any rate, soon we had to come out. When I was walking out of the water, I saw the water going through my flesh, but not my bones. It was like I was a skeleton surrounded by a ghostly body.

When I got to the dry land, the beaver was there. Yes, I was thinking how odd it was for a beaver to be on a California beach. Then I observed to myself that it seemed awfully tiny, and immediately it grew to a huge size, standing on it’s hind legs. It was at least fifteen feet high and looking down on me. “Better?” it said. “Ok, fine! I get it!” I said, and it was once again a normal size. At that point the leader brought us back.

I am really looking foreword to my classes there. The place has an amazing energy and I expect to learn a lot.

A Personal Insight

Today I learned something interesting about myself. It happened while I was exercising this morning and listening to the NPR Invisiblilia podcast “Fearless.” This is going to take a little setup, so please bear with me.

The insight came while I was pondering what I should write for today’s blog entry. I recently went to an open house at HCH Institute, where I am going to have my clinical hypnotherapy training, and I was thinking about writing about that. But I was feeling kind of squirrelly about that. In fact, I finally confronted that fact that I was kind of avoiding anything to do with my new profession. I have been doing that more and more of late, and feeling rather guilty about it.

I had assumed, without really thinking about it, that I was procrastinating out of some kind of fear. But that wasn’t it, so my efforts to handle it that way weren’t very successful. Maybe it was something about the people on the podcast talking about conquering fear, but, when I really looked at what I was feeling, I realized it was a feeling of “deer in the headlights.” What’s the difference? Well, I wasn’t trying to run away, but, instead, whenever I looked at the subject I would mentally freeze. And then I couldn’t get my mind working again until I turned my focus to something else.

This is a big deal for me. It finally gives me a way of thinking and dealing with the one thing that has often kept me immobile when dealing with problems in my life. What’s really interesting is that when I considered my options about what I should write about, this one got me moving. I could have “gotten around” to doing something today, one way or another, but this leaped out and said “Do me first!” The apathy around the whole subject is completely gone. I worked on this idea while I was on my morning walk, and I was thinking I should write about something else today so I would have to delve and meditate on this for more insights. But every instinct said “No! WRONG! Do it now!”

It’s funny how just knowing that my apathy came from this mental “freezing” has freed up my excitement again. It’s like there was an invisible, teflon coated dome over the subject, and I could only stay focused in it if I stood precisely on the top and didn’t move a muscle. No even a twitch. For if it did I would immediately slide off into another subject.

Is it totally gone? No. But I think that I now have a better handle on how to deal with it, and, through that, great many things. I see that I was also avoiding thinking of, and effectively dealing with, lots of related areas, like finances and self promotion. I was approaching them with a, timid, “don’t rock the boat,” “do as little as possible” attitude that left me in fear. Fear and worry about the future and whether it will all work out. Creating my own self-fulfilling prophecy of failure through inaction.

Maybe the exercises we did at the HCH open house had something to do with shaking this lose, maybe not. But, all in all, the apathy has lifted and I can work again, so I call it a plus.

Healing and Being a Healer

Today’s meditation had two interesting things in it.

The first was that I found myself looking in on people I know. I used to think that was cool, way back in the beginning, but now I feel it’s more like an invasion of privacy and I avoid it. However, this time it was insistent. I Ended up throwing comfort at them, not knowing what else to do. Perhaps they were in a sad way.

I one particular case, I kept seeing more details about their life. Difficulties and other things I really don’t want to know about. But it was insistent and, apparently, there is some reason that I need to know it. I tried but could not get a reason why. Perhaps I just need to understand them better.

At times, I think that being a healer means “keeper of secrets.” I just get so much information that I really can’t share, but I need to hear it to do my job. in some ways it would be nice if I could forget everything I hear. But the experience I gain does help other people. So I suppose that’s part of the price I pay for doing what I do.

The other thing that I experienced revolved around healing. At one point, I started feeling warmth in parts of my torso. I normally just go with these things and don’t ask questions. Not today. Today I asked. I was told that I was feeling energy, and it was uneven because of my blocks. If I let the block go, then the energy would be able to flow to all parts of my body, especially my hands and feet. They have not been getting their fail share of energy so far. The lightbulb went on: I’ve been have a problem with cold hands and especially feet since the weather turned.

Next I asked about the blocks. I got that I needed to release my hate. My hate for my body. I had always undervalued my body, and, despite the fact that it has served me very well for many years, it was never good enough for me. All this came from someplace so deep that I wasn’t really aware of it at the conscious level at all. But once I started thinking about it, it did make sense. Over the last couple of years I have begun to notice, accept and acknowledge how well my body has served me and how well it has held up. It has useful attributes that I did my best to ignore. But now I am starting to use them rather than deny them.

This litany went on for a while, covering the many ways I thought poorly of my physical being. I don’t remember most of it now, which I think is a good thing, but afterwards things must have cleared, because energy tingling and heat began to flow wider and more evenly throughout my upper body. It slowly spread up and down my right side and worked it’s way down my right arm into my hand. After a while it was throughout my right side and somewhat over to my left.

When it reached my left shoulder, it felt hot and cold at the same time. Finally it got to the point where all my bones above the hips felt incandescent white and glowing. The message was that it was rebuilding and restructuring my bones to be stronger and healthier and with advanced functions (whatever that means). It eventually did reach all my bones, but the ones below my hips seemed dimmer.

Then the focus moved to my teeth. There was a long monologue about how the fillings in my teeth needed to be restructured and their energy re-aligned. That the materials had been removed from their place and their energy had be twisted and distorted by being mined, refined and turned into fillings. So all of that needed to be sorted out and harmonized. I felt a lot of heat and pressure around my back teeth at this time. This went on for quite some time. Other things began to happen after that, but it was clearly time to wrap up and get on with my day.

I seem to be having a lot of focus on healing right now. Getting myself ready for what’s to come, I suppose.

Life as Energy Being

Yesterday I did my fourth session with a client. She’s mid 50’s with grown children. Some suicidal tendencies and strong feeling of “something missing.”

This was her fourth session:
#1 PL, No SC
#2 PL, Very limited access to SC
#3 PL, SC, but not around health issues

Using the keyword, she was a bodiless entity, floating in a foggy place, looking at a large, rectangular structure made of glass and metal. After a bit she saw a hot-air balloon. When I asked her to move forward, she jumped into a PL.

She was a young woman, standing in a train station, mid 1800’s. She was caring an umbrella and a small suitcase. She was waiting for something, maybe the next train, and was very excited to be going someplace. I asked her to go home, and she saw a small cottage in the country. When I ask he to go inside, she jumped back to train station. The next thing that happened was a lot of black smoke and screaming. Then everything went gray.

My intuition said to move her forward, instead, she jumped into another PL.

This time she was a boy, about 15, in cowboy boots and jeans. She was with a horse on a rolling, grassy plain that felt “midwestern.” She was running away from home, “they wouldn’t treat him as an adult.” Next, she was riding in the dark, in a lightning storm. The found herself in a river. It was still dark and she drowned.

Back to looking at the rectangular structure. This time she saw glowing lights inside. She went inside and found a culture of energy beings. This was her home. The beings would go “elsewhere” to have experiences and then return, having learned lessons. When the lessons are complete they become elders and help teach the young to be “complete.” She was struggling. She had been on many, many lives and was not learning her lessons. She was very frustrated, “If they just tell me what I was missing, I wouldn’t have to keep doing this over and over, hundreds of times.” She just couldn’t figure out what they expected of her, but she was required to do it on her own. The client started to cry at this point.

Purpose of past lives involved adventure and danger going hand in hand. Client is still seeking adventure. Life as energy being was for “Hope, that success was possible,” “Struggling to find the answers.”

Purpose: Completion of the mission. Mission? “I don’t know, they won’t say. I have to find it on my own.”

The SC came through but CM would not get out of the way, most of the time. Mostly about how the stress and lack of control in her life was due to the “missing piece” that she was supposed to find, the lesson she needed to learn. All her health issues are related to that. The Advice was to “listen, listen to her heart.” “Her path was wrong. She doesn’t know what the path should be.” “Many possible answers, she needs to pick one.” Client is blocked by fear of failure, of having to “come around again and again, too many times.” The client is crying at this point.

In the after talk, she cried, deeply, about about being a failure because she hadn’t figured it out, again. She was going to have to go around again. She had already done this thousands of times and always got stuck in the same place.

This is a big step forward, the she was finally confronting some real issues. I have known her for may years and she has always avoided going too deep and acknowledging what was really going on with her.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder...

I’m going post this here because there’s nowhere else I can talk about it.

Today I was doing my meditation. I am trying a new technique that consists of, essentially, throwing out rules and expectations and letting my mind wander and imagine whatever I like. After an unknown period of doing, I don’t remember what, I found myself in an industrial setting. I was watching an open metal cage, shaped like I slice of bread, but large enough to hold two people side by side, coming toward me on some kind of assembly line. All around there was industrial equipment, pipes, wiring and boxes. The cage had a person strapped in on right side and the space on the left was half-full of equipment.

Next, I was down, next to the cage, at eye level. I could see the persons’ head and shoulders right next to me. I was looking for something. Right then I realized I had no idea what I was doing there! This wasn’t anywhere I had ever been, it wasn’t from any movie I’ve seen. I wasn’t even asleep! As I pondered that, the scene faded.

After a bit, I had the idea to imagine a spaceship. The inside of a space ship. And I came up with a control room that was a mashup of details from Start Trek TOS, Star Trek, The Menagerie, and UFO stuff I’ve read. Everything was white and roundish and curvy. I was looking at my scene and thinking about all the Star Trek similarities when a Grey somehow appeared in the center of my view, then walked off to the left. As he left, he raised he raised his left hand in a awkward wave and said “Hello.” Right then I felt a mild shock and my whole body jerked.

I was really not expecting this. The scene, never very clear, came and went. I figured I’d play along and ask questions. I tried for a while, but things kept wavering in and out and my mind kept wandering. It was sort of like the old days of analog TV, when you were watch a distant station and the picture was awash in static and it would fade in and out. Every now and then I’d get what felt like real contact with someone, for a few seconds, and then it would all wash out again.

I wasn’t able to learn much, but here’s what I did get: The reason contact was so bad was that I wasn’t yet “tuned” properly, “we” were currently working on that. Right then I felt strong tingling over my upper body and a pressure/pointy feeling in my head, bordering on pain. It didn’t last too long. The other piece of information I got was this: I, apparently, am conducting, or are part of, some kind of “research project.” Things got really fragmented by this point and right then our cat insisted that I get up. It’s pretty unusual for her to yowl at my bedroom door like that. I think she wants my attention and is waiting, not too patiently, for me to stop typing this and give her my full attention. I really wanted to get this down before I forgot it.

I honestly don’t know what I should make of this. Should I just accept it at face value, keep going to see what more I can find out?

Dark Conversation

Awake in the middle of the night. Awakened for some unknown reason. It’s dark and foggy. Street lamps glowing and the trees and fences and houses fading, ghostly, into the dark. What’s on your mind?

Something keeps me up. No matter what I think or dwell on, my heart keeps pounding it’s steady beat and will not slow down. Think plants, think plans. Think friends and muse on the world. Remember the future and ponder the past. Nothing slows my mind. Nothing makes any difference. I wonder what wakes me up.

Being awake so early, or is it late? Is it too late for bed or too early to get up? My eyes water and blur these words, but I am pressed to continue on. I want to lie down, but sleep will not come. I cannot relax to the point of sleep. There was someone here.

Was someone here? I think so. An essence. They who are lonely and sad in their sleep. looking for some solace, some assurance that they will not always be alone. I wonder why they have put themselves in that position. What was it about their lives that made them choose to be separate? To find comfort in things and doings rather than people. I know that feeling, and how the promise rings empty with time. That achievement without connection is no comfort. The doings become empty acts that once held meaning but now just fill the time. Once they brought joy, but that joy was founded in the sense that the doing made me part of something. To be recognized, admired perhaps. But in the utter finality of night, I was alone. Even if there was someone there, I was alone.

“Come,” I say to the essence, “let me give you a hug. There is no need to be alone, you are loved and cared for.” In the dark vastness of my mind, we are together, for a little while. I offer what I can, though I cannot be sure the essence understands or is even aware. It’s gaze turned resolutely inward.

The insecurity of the beautiful. Are they only liked because they are beautiful? Is to pretend, to play the part, the price for companionship? Do they ever have a chance to be anything else? Perhaps there is some relief in getting old. Perfection is gone. No longer required to measure up to etherial standards, they can be themselves. And what of those relationships built on shallow beauty? Must they be severed, or can they accept the reality underneath? The fickle move on. There is always a newer, fresher, willing applicant, eager to trade appearance for substance.

It’s hard to make the switch. It’s so easy to let the world come to you. To be you in the face of what the world expects, that is a true test of character. To hold to my course as the winds of society and undercurrents of my own values seek to undermine my wish for change. I am betrayed every day by my own thoughts, whispering quietly, insidiously, almost outside awareness, to go back to the expected, return to the safe, to slide back into that well-worn groove of the expected, the normal. No talking to entities in the night, no affairs in the either. Keep my mind in lockstep with the material.

I am required to write in the dark, when the gate keepers are dozing in their huts. Ideas and thoughts can slip out, between the bars. The doors of perception are left ajar and unguarded, who knows what might slip in, or out? I start writing in the dark, now the sky is gray, how time passes. Ideas that flow in the dark, now want rigor, and that is just no fun.

Time to Welcome

What is there to say about begin afraid of begin committed, of begin linked to someone? What is this fear of somehow begin forced into something because of some action your took, something you said? Why is sadness coming over me that says “You can’t do that”?

I had a bit of a epiphany today. I noticed the thrust of my life. It’s a bit difficult to describe, but I found an image expresses it best. To me, my life is a evolution. For the first part, 20-odd years, I had my back turned to life. I wasn’t interested in anything that was coming, anything that life had to offer. I just kept my eyes squarely on the the past, what I already knew, and keeping things exactly where they were.

The next step was more active, I purposefully shoved away anything that might change me. Anything that, in any way, offered something positive. I was “not worthy” and anything that contradicted that was actively refused and denied. I picture myself shoving, with both hand, away any complements, any positive lessons that might disturb my status quo. I absolutely had to stay exactly like I was or something really bad would happen. I had no idea what, but I was too afraid to take even a single step in any direction. Change was my enemy. I had to stay on my tiny island of safety. The slightest step outside of that zone invoked the most severe feelings of guilt and remorse. However, I couldn’t help noticing that my island of safety was shrinking, steadily.

In the next stage of my life was learning to accept changes from outside. I see myself as slowly turning around and not pushing away everything from outside. Even uncrossing my arms a bit and allowing some things to actually come to me. This was a long process. Years. I see my hands up and open, not pushing away, but then not allowing anything to come too close. Slowly, over time, I moved my hands back toward me, closer and closer. I allowed myself to experience some new things. To hear complements and positive input without outright rejection. It was possible to see criticism as neutral, or even positive and helpful. I could accept offered friendship, but I couldn’t return it. I somehow was able to turn down the dial on the internal monolog of self-criticism and the instant rejection of anything that might prompt me to think better of myself. To flirt with the idea that it was possible to be a good person. A happy person. A successful person. A well-loved person. And I was able to halt, and even beat back a bit, the inexorable shrinking of the limits of my comfort zone.

Today I see that it’s time to start reaching out. It’s time to go beyond merely accepting what’s offered, but to start making offers of my own. To lower my hands and allow what comes to wash over me. To reach out and pull new experiences toward me. To make offers, even though some will be ignored or rejected, without recrimination. To reach for, grasp and pull those new thing to me, even though some will resist and I will have to let them go. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not “wrong” to try and fail. And it’s really not my problem to worry about what others think of the offers I put out there, as long as they come from the right place, without agenda.

This has been hard to learn. There are so many agendas engraved on my soul that it takes some effort to discern what comes from me, and what is an impulse derived from “looking good,” or “what I ought” do to. I find that so much of my impulses come from an inauthentic place. Why is that? I suppose that it’s a result of decades of “fitting in.” I now call that “pretending” to fit in. What is the right thing to do, anyway? With so many people trying to be they thing is expected, who knows what is really expected anyway?

Part of what makes fitting in difficult is that the “rules” are entirely made up. They change, without warning, at any time and from place to place, and group to group. How can any “truth” be different for different people? To accept all means to judge none, and to offer only what is authentic for you. Determining what is authentic for me is difficult, but it’s getting easier. I’ve been learning to listen to my intuition and accept what it has to say. Even when it’s not what I want to hear. At times, it seems that the act of discernment is what’s important. I seem that I am sometimes led into a conversation that eventually leads back to where I started, but results in clarity on some issue, even though nothing has changed.

Time to be welcoming, not defensive. Time to seek inclusion and stop waiting for it to come to me.

What have I learned about life?

How much I don’t know. How I don’t like being told what to do. As smart as I think I am, I can easily be put at a loss by what can happen in a session. I can be humbled by what I can’t do. And what I wish I could do. I am jellies of all the stuff that I hear other people doing that I can’t.

My kitty is sick. We will take her to the doctor, cause I can’t seem to help her. I put all i know into detecting and healing her issues but she isn’t getting better. Well, she is a little better, but she is still droopy and her voice is hoarse and weak. Why can’t I help?

My feeling is that I have issues that don’t allow me to access that which would help. I really feel that when she looks at me with those trusting and pleading eyes that ask me to do something. The doctor will have to be it. Though, the last time our cat got sick like this, the doctor said they couldn’t do anything and we had to let him die. So I hope that I can do something. Perhaps morph it into something the doctors can heal. What would I learn from this? What should I be learning from this?

I am falling down on the job. I am not spending the time in meditation that I need. I should be spending a lot more time working directly with myself. There is a lot I need to accomplish. It’s all waiting for me to get to it, but I don’t seem to find the time. There’s always something else that needs to be done. The rest of life keeps intruding.

I am afraid of what I need to do. I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to open my mouth, for what might come out will make me nothing. I will be left out in the cold, alone. They will leave me with nothing. I want to try, but it feels like faking. It feels like I’m not really doing anything. I resist the idea because it’s all just a bunch of crap that makes me look stupid if anyone finds out.

I talk to other people. I try to meet with other healers, hypnotists, counselors, etc., and I get hostility. Subtle, but it’s there. Like I’m trying to horn in on their territory. Is that what it’s all about? Seems there would be room for all. Some feel struggling, some feel professional, but not in the focus I am. Perhaps it’s a good idea that I get the conventional training, it will give me something to work with that seems “conventional” to regular clients. Also, conventional hypnotherapy requires more sessions, and shorter sessions, so I can get more income from it than regressions.

But where does that leave me? It feels like there’s a wall around me. A wall that is formed out of my beliefs, belief in my limitations. Or the limitations, restrictions, or “practical realities” of this world. I want to do something about it, but, somehow, I always find some way to avoid doing it. And when I do try, I give up so easily. Too tired. It should come more easily. I should come without me having to “do” something, physically. I should just be able to do it all in my head. It should be easy, just like it seems when I read about it in books. To everyone else, all this stuff “just happens,” why should it be so hard for me? There must be something wrong with me. Somehow I’m not good enough, not doing it right. It must be, otherwise, why am I not getting all this cool stuff?

Right now, I feel almost like crying. But I don’t know why. I just want to curl up and bawl, but I don’t know what about. It’s so sad. It’s lost, it’s left behind, it’s gone and forgotten. I keep seeing a ruin. It’s a deeply despairing ruin. Lonely and empty. Blocks of stone, marking were walls once stood. Vines and creepers covering floors and dislodging windows. Slowly pushing block apart, turning once neat rooms into piles of anonymous rubble. Life is gone, the wind blows through. Barriers are down. Light and laughter has been swept away.

Work didn’t help. Study didn’t help. Color and laughter faded by long neglect. We didn’t take care. Powerful sea winds howl across the scrublands, blasting away anything resembling a bush or tree. Fear, laziness and neglect, resistance to change. Slowly the old ways drop away, one by one, because no one understands. No one wants to take the time to understand. Old men don’t want to share. Young men don’t want to learn. When things no longer work, they convince themselves that the never worked. It was all a myth.

Time has come to reclaim the past. Time has come to stop pretending that we are the smartest of them all. Time has come to re-open the doors of perception that have been left to rust closed for centuries. Learn. Learn to teach your children. Teach your children more than you know. They must open the doors that we cannot. They must be allowed to discover what we cannot. We must allow them to understand what we cannot. Their growth must be more that we can know. We cannot teach them, for we do not know. We must show them the path, teach them to walk, then step aside as they find their way into lands we will never see.

A QHHT STORY - rebog

 The Oracle in Delphi - Volunteers from Sirius - Power from Source -Miriam Magdala - Healing Vortex

A QHHT STORY

In a QHHT session almost anything can happen! Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy is a unique past life regression and healing technique developed by Dolores Cannon many years ago. It is not like any regular hypnosis or regression method out there. The number of dedicated practitioners (and clients) are increasing all over the world, mainly because of the vast number of books Dolores has written, based on information from her many thousands of sessions with clients. But also of course, the miraculous healings that are taking place. There are a lot of good reasons for having a QHHT session, because this is so much more than the “just” the healing. It is also a great way to find answers to everything you would want to know about yourself or anything else in our existence. We never know what our Higher Self has planned for us to experience, but it is always exactly what we need and are meant to experience. It is what is important for us right now. The Higher Self (or Subconscious as Dolores calls it) is a higher aspect of our self, a collective energy that knows everything about us. It sees the higher perspective and always wants the best for us and help us. It is pure love. When we are in a relaxed state of trance we are able to experience what the Higher Self wants us to see, feel or sense in any other way, and let it come through and speak to us.

A few days ago a very spiritual lady with great knowledge and wisdom, came to see me for a session. I will call her Ingrid. For almost half her life, she has lived in a village up in the mountains somewhere in South America, not far from a sacred energy vortex. According to her Higher Self, this spot is the most important one for Gaia. She has always felt spiritual and was now seeking answers about the many strange experiences she`s had in life, and also why she felt she had to move from Norway to go live at this place. She always felt connected and guided, but needed help to get some more answers. She truly believes that everything happens for a reason, even though her life has been very hard with a lot of challenges.

During the session, the client is switching between describing details from the scenes and giving extensive information related to the persons life. It seems she has access to almost everything that this person knew and did. When I asked about things she didn`t know the answer to, she just went deeper to find it. Her level of trance shifted from a deep to an even deeper state many times. Her Higher Self actually came in a couple of times on its own, speaking in third person. Her voice changed and she talked a lot slower.

At her beautiful place she couldn`t see the sky. Instead there was a path leading up to the surface from behind a waterfall. I told her to follow it and soon she could see a mountain with and entrance at a distance. At first she was reluctant to go there because of what she felt about the place. She found herself to be a 25 year old woman wearing a white robe and sandals. This was in the eight century BC, at a place called Delphi in Greece. She belonged to a sisterhood of women who all lived and worked at this site as oracles. They had servants to help them because they worked all day long. It was a very strict and hard life. They didn`t have much privacy. Only at night in their own little cell (small caves within the cave). No men were aloud there. The oracles were kept out of contact with any other people, to protect them from being influenced or bribed. They were all selected to be oracles. It was predetermined before they came into physical bodies, like Dalai Lama in Tibet. They were taught from a very young age. They had to work as oracles in 20-35 years before the could retire. It was done to help the development of humanity on earth. After retiring they decided who were going to be the next oracles. They also helped in preparing the little girls that were chosen, and also raising them because they were taken away from their families.

Their work was to tap into the universal knowledge and provide answers to those who came with questions, which mostly were of academic character. Like philosophy and mathematics. Plato and Archimedes were among those who used the oracles for these purposes. The oracles sat on stone benches right beneath an opening in the cave ceiling, so that the people who had questions could hear the answers from the top of the cave through the opening. They were not aloud to see the oracles. The oracles induced themselves into a trance by inhaling smoke from a lot of incense that were placed around inside the room. They had strict orders not to influence or change any of the information. This was very important. If they did they would be punished. Sometimes it was very hard to tell exactly what they saw. It was their duty to report the truth and nothing but the truth. They had the ability to go forward into the future or back in time to find information from lost civilizations.

In the next scene/important day, she has gray hair and is feeling old and tired. Someone is calling for her and she can see a very bright light. Her work is done. She is very relieved. Many things has been positive, but it was a very hard life. She can see a tall man with blue clothes coming towards her. His aura is shining with light. He smiles at her and ask her to come with him. Then she leaves her body. They embrace each other and suddenly they are in this big bright hall with pink and turquoise lights emanating from the crystal walls and ceiling. The floor has white light coming up from underneath it, shining through the stones. More beings arrive. They are very happy to see her and are greeting her telepathically. They are light beings dressed in white, and they float over the floor towards her. They do not have any facial features. All she can see is light emanating great love. She belongs to this group. This place is a middle station between incarnations where they talk about their experiences, rests and choose new assignments. All of them originally comes from Sirius. They are volunteers that came here to help earth. This great hall is inside a big silvery pyramid in a different dimension. It is all etheric. She has seen it before in her visions in the present life time. From this place she now knows that she had three lives as an oracle in Delphi in between other lives as well. From the lives as an oracle she learned discipline, humbleness and responsibility, and also to be completely honest with everyone.

I am now moving her to another place and time. When she arrives all she can see is white and golden light. This is the final resting place (source). It feels very sacred. She just IS. Like a thought that doesn`t think. Pure consciousness. She has been there before, but needed to come back in order to recharge, and to be reminded of where she comes from and what the source is. She needed to experience absolute love and completeness. She just floats and absorbs, becoming stronger and stronger. Time doesn`t exist. It can be a second or a thousand years. She feels what infinity is. There is no beginning or end. She understands this with her heart. It is overwhelming. This is exactly what is meant by The Great Invocation. It is the light, love and the power.

She now feels it is time to move on. She has gathered enough power. I tell her to just drift and float to another important time and place where we can find information. After a while of drifting, a black wall appears to her. This is all the darkness and negativity in the world, but she has no fear of it. She is just observing and then floats right through it to the other side, ending up in the new era that is to come to earth. She can see that it is all balanced. This came to be because enough beings were able to absorb light, love and power from the source, which then perforated the darkness completely. We must not allow our selves to be captured by the darkness, but keep searching for the light in order to gain power from it. We must not be ignorant of the negative things that are going on. We should know about it, but not get involved or let it take our focus away from what is light and love. We should spread the light around us and avoid everything that creates fear, like watching TV. This will cause others to start waking up.

Suddenly she becomes disturbed and cries. She has gone back in time and finds herself standing on the ground before Jesus` cross (Jeshua). She doesn`t want to talk about it at first, but since she has had short visions from this many times before, she accepts that she must explore it. She tries touching Jeshua`s feet but she can`t reach him. She feels great sorrow and pain. She is repeating that she must remember who she is. (She is very upset and I am doing my best to comfort her.)

"It is so hard! I have tried to run from this many times, because I never could accept or believe that I was her. Miriam Magdala is her real name. I wanted to go with Jeshua, to die with him because I didn`t believe I could cope without him. Jeshua tells me that I must go on with my life because I have important things to do."

She goes on about how important it is that the church and its followers begin to take Miriam seriously. The bible should have had Miriam`s testament in it, because she followed the true teachings. Not the letters from Paul and Peter. Jeshua and Miriam were both Essene. It was the teachings of the Essenes that were supposed to be in the bible. The bible was falsified. The rest of Miriam`s testament is in the Vatican. Some of it is known.The last thing she remembers from that scene is being hit in the back and the head by a soldier, and she passes out. What she did not know then, was that Jeshua went into a very deep trance while on the cross, so deep that the soldiers believed he was dead. But he never died. The soldiers took him down and carried him to his tomb, soon enough for him to survive. He got out. Later he went to India and lived for many years.

The Higher Self is now coming in without me asking for it. Her voice changes:

"For a long time Ingrid has wished for her consciousness to merge with her higher being. It has happened gradually over time, but she is not aware of how far the merging has come. It is important that she leaves all her problems to the Higher Self. She`s had a much harder life than was really necessary. Now she is very tired and need strength from the source and the Higher Self. She has to be more open for this, because she has access to it. It is important not to move from the village. She has a very special connection to the earth`s energy. She must go on with her mission to help Gaia through energy work at the sacred place on the mountain. She knows people there that will tell her the exact location. It has been held secret for many years. She must go onto that mountain and find the spot where the energy is concentrated, and place her hands on it. This will give her physical body more energy. She has still many years left to do her work in this lifetime. It is important that people who are sick can come there for healing. A healing center should be established outside the village. An organization and capital is needed for this purpose. It was the Higher Self that lead her to go live at this place, to work as a healer. That is what she is. She knows she can do this. She is already doing a lot of important work in her sleep that is crucial to peace on earth."

Because the Higher Self already has taken over, I go on asking about the reasons for showing her the different lives/existences:

The life as Miram Magdala:

"The reason why she was shown the life as Miriam, was because she needs to accept her own greatness. Miriam had taken a lot on her shoulders being who she was, and that kind of responsibility is frightening to her. She does not believe she has it in her, and she has not been willing to recognize their connection. That they are the same. She must accept this completely. When she does, it will give her the strength, authority and self confidence that she didn`t have before. It was just an outer shell. Miriam and Jeshua had both great authority that were perfectly balanced with love and humbleness. This is the core of the message that we have tried to tell her all along. To remember who she is. She has not been willing to listen. Sometimes it was necessary to "hit her over the head". Her stubbornness can be good sometimes, but there must be a limit to it."

Life as an oracle at Pythia/Oracle of Delpi:

"Like in every life she was shown it was also about serving a higher purpose. To show her that she had taken on a mission that not only was her own, but the decision of a higher group. Ingrid is a member of the council for this galaxy. Some of the work she is doing, is what causes her body to shiver with cold. She takes her consciousness with her when she travels to other dimensions to share information with the council. This is depleting her energy and causes her body temperature to drop. It happens mostly during sleep, but also when she is awake. This is also the reason why she took on lives as a leader in several of her incarnations on earth. One of them as Akhenaten in Egypt. The female pharaoh with the beard, Hatshepsut, is her daughter in present life. She was a strong leader."

I could hear Ingrid had taken over now, it was not the Higher Self anymore. Still she has a lot of great information to share.

"Akhenaten`s body was weak and not properly adjusted to earth after a long time on Sirius. He didn`t have epilepsy like many believed. It was the side effect of a to fast incarnation. Despite his flaws and strange looks, he would not do anything to change it because as a God, he wanted to be different.”

Who was it that Ingrid got in contact with through the Ouija board many years ago?

"They were from a group called 'The Masters Of The White Lords', which also is from the group from Sirius."

She becomes silent for a while, and when I try to ask the next question she suddenly interrupts. She is pointing a finger right below her third eye:

"There is an implant here. Ingrid got the implant at the age of 3. That is why they have known all about her since then. They had to force her to wake up and not let herself be captured by politics."

She has pain in the spot between her eyes where the implant is. It`s like an antenna she says. Then she suddenly says to me:

"You are from the Sirius group! I can feel it in my heart. Everything will come, you are taken care of. The person who donated some of his bone marrow to you when you had leukemia, is from the Sirius group as well. This was arranged because you too have important things to do in the future. Nothing happens by accident little brother!"

I decide to ask her about the energy in the room, because I can feel it very strongly in my body. I ask if it is the energy of the Higher Self that I am feeling?

"In this room right now, there are 10 invisible beings from Sirius."

I then thought I should ask her who Higher Self is:

"She is a High Priestess from Sirius, and one of the leaders in the Sirius group who`s had some of the hardest jobs. But the Higher Self is multidimensional. The being that speaks through Ingrid`s body right now, is only a part of a greater whole. Two other parts are in physical bodies at this time. One is in south Africa. She is a black woman. The other one is in Japan. It is like a sacred geometry triangle. These have very strong personalities."

What will the changes be like for Ingrid in the future, because of this session?

"There will be some changes in her way of living. More security and better access to capital and financing, because now she will have a greater acceptance of who she is. She needs and deserves to work with meaningful projects. She will feel more balanced, calm, safe and have a greater authority. She will trust more than before that she is on the right path. Also she will not care so much anymore about what other people say and think of her. Right now she is establishing a greater network of friends that will be helpful for her. She needs to go to Sweden because she has more contacts there. She will have more energy. It is important that light workers are connected, work together and supports each other. The energies must be focused where they are most needed. There are so many suicides in Norway, because a big percentage of the population have lost their spiritual values. They have metal hearts. It is a country of metal hearts. Healers must get together to help with this."

Permission to share this article is given as long as it is shared completely with all links and remains unaltered in any way. The copyright statement must be included. Norwegian: Tillatelse til å dele denne artikkelen er gitt så lenge den blir delt i sin helhet med alle linker og copyright-teksten inntakt, og ikke er endret på noen måte. 
Copyright © Tom Arild Waagbø – Matrixhealing.no. All rights reserved.

Bedtime Reading

He knelt beside the bed to read. He didn't have time much for reading anymore. Funny, he though, how voraciously he had read as a child, carting basketfuls of books back and forth to the library each week during the summer and as often as he could during the school year. Reading every spare moment, before school and after, even between classes when he could. He had lived in other people's stories. In later years the habit waned until he only read books occasionally when he had the time or was especially depressed or lonely.

Tonight was unusual in that he wasn't either depressed or lonely, he just had this book. He'd acquired it a while back, stumbled across it really, and thought it looked interesting. Still, it was several weeks before he actually got around to opening the cover.

How quickly the old habits come back, he thought as he settled in, once he starts reading he can't stop and other obligations go begging. In the back of his mind he notes that this is why he doesn't read much anymore-it's just too addicting.

Tonight he has other things to do, but the book calls to him to get lost in its pages and let the world slip away. The house is quiet. It's still early but the late autumn sun has already slipped away and the windows are black. As he settles down to read, the light directly above the bed shines down on the yellowing pages of the old paperback. One of the things that make him feel old is seeing the books from his youth looking like ancient parchment. No matter. He starts to read and the room fades away.

Sometime later he is slowly drawn back by the growing awareness that he is not alone. He has no idea how much time has passed, the night is still dark and still. As he slowly disengages from the book, he suddenly realizes who it is and he snaps back to the world with an almost physical thunk.

He feels a momentary flash of annoyance. She is there, kneeling by the bed next to him. He didn't move. He didn't take his eyes off the pages, not even for a moment. There is no need, he can see her clearly in his minds eye: head propped on one hand, her face in three-quarters profile as she peers impishly at him with her hair falling halfway across her face. He can feel the warmth of her presence along his side, on his cheek, his arm. But he can not look. He knows he must not, no matter how much longs to. For he knows she isn't there, and attempting to see her would only break the spell that much sooner. So he keeps his eyes on the pages, seeing words but not reading.

"It's been a while," he though.

She shrugged. "Perhaps you don't need me much anymore."

"Perhaps." The old feelings returned. Never really gone, they had nonetheless faded over the past months. Memories fade no matter how tightly we hang on to them.

She continued to watch him, eyes fixed on his face, waiting.

"Odd," he thought, "your hair seems longer than I remember." He didn't want to follow that thought any farther.

Her smile quickly grew into a silent laugh. Then she brushed her hair out of her face with that gesture he knew so well that it hurt to watch it. Her eyes dropped to the book and returned to his face with a question.

"Ah well," he thought, "you know me and books."

Her smile momentarily broadened, then a look of concern crossed her face.

"No," he replied, "not so much anymore." She seemed reassured.

For a while, he had retreated from the world into books, just as he had in his youth. It had not been pretty. But that period was now over and he had put his life back together. Her visits had seemed to help, but once he was back in the world she came less and less often. He had missed her.

Her eyes left his face and wandered around the room.

"Yes, there have been a lot of changes since you were last here," he thought. "Somewhat cleaner, some new furniture. I just couldn't take looking at some of the old stuff any more." She nodded in agreement. He chuckled a bit, it felt so good to talk to her again, then he stopped.

"It's still just me though." He waited.

Her eyes completed their scan of the room and returned to him. She appraised him with a mixture of disappointment and rebuke. That gaze made him feel like a child, one that didn't quite measure up. He began to squirm under her gaze, discomfort growing. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Hey," the thought came before he could stop it, "I don't need anyone, I have you..." The moment the words formed in his mind, he knew. The expression on her face slid from disappointment to sadness. His discomfort was instantly replaced by a pain in his chest, growing until he almost couldn't breathe.

"No!" Her eyes dropped. He couldn't stand it.

"Please...?" She still didn't look at him.

He desperately wanted to grab that thought and stuff it back where it came from. To seal it up so tight and bury it so deep that it would be as if it had never happened. But he knew it was no use.

He'd known this hour would come. The thought had been growing slowly, insistently, in the back of his mind. It would have to come, sooner or later. But he had tried so hard not to think about it, to push it away. But it had remained, a dark cloud hovering in the distance, looming over everything he had accomplished, everything he was.

Slowly her gaze returned to him. Her eyes studied him for a long time, the sadness on her face slowly fading. He waited, afraid to breathe, for what seemed a very long time. Eventually her eyes dropped again.

"Is it time?"

She gave a quick nod, still looking down. After a moment she looked up and, with a look of profound tenderness, raised her arm as if to touch his hair. But then she stopped and let her arm drop with a rueful smile. She sighed. Then she seemed to come to a decision and, with a mixture of affection and determination, leaned over as to kiss his hair or whisper something in his ear. But before she could be either, she was gone.

He continued to stare at the book for a long time, trying to read. But the words would not hold still. The world seemed so much more empty now than it was just a short while ago. Finally he closed the book with a sigh and set it aside. He closed his eyes, laid his head upon the covers and finally, at long last, began to weep.

Communication and Healing

I came across this video the others day: KRYON "Cellullar Comunication" - Lee Carroll

This talk is about communicating with your own body. I seemed to come to me at just the right time, I am so ready for a message like this. I meditated while listening to this and followed along, trying what he said, combined with QHHT, and got very cool results.

He talked about was the inability of the body, of the cells in your body, to communicate with the conscious mind. This is where I made a major change. I used my techniques from QHHT to call in the subconscious mind so I could actually have a dialogue. And it worked. One thing I learned, for instance, was that my problems with my left leg and foot were caused by bad shoes. Actually, they were worn out and needed replacement. Yesterday I got new running shoes and today I tried running a few miles. No problems! The first time in at least a year that I haven’t had pain either during or after a run. Yes!

It’s clear to me that I must have worked through some blocks about healing myself. I’ve tried things like this before with indifferent results, and my expectations this time weren’t real high, but I had a feeling that this time the results would be different. And they were.

He also said that once you entered into communication with your cells, you would feel tingling or chills, That would be your cells rejoicing because they were so happy that you were finally talking to them. Well, I tried it and he was right. When I addressed them, I felt warmth and tingling up and down my back and upper body. Then I went through a process of acknowledging my body for what it does for me and how well it does it. Then came the part that was most difficult for me, offering my body the sincere gratitude and love that it is due for being part of me. That took some time and effort since I have always found acknowledging and expressing love difficult, even if it’s just to myself. Reflecting on that now, I think it reveals the remnants of “I’m worthless” which still haunt random nooks and crannies of my psyche.

Then the conversation turned to the physical. I started with my back, mostly out of habit. I don’t currently have back problems, but I did for a long while and it now seems to be my go-to spot when I think about healing. At least that’s what I thought. What I learned, when I started listening and feeling, was somewhat different. My body showed me that the bones of my back and ribs needed healing, due to osteoporosis, perhaps caused by unneeded thyroid medication, or just age. I had the conversation about whether the problem could be healed, whether the subconscious was willing to heal it and whether it would heal it. I’m not sure if this conversation is strictly necessary, but it doesn’t hurt to treat the various parts of yourself with some respect.

All that said, I requested that the bones be rebuilt and felt the work starting in on my spine and some of my ribs. (It looks like work needs to be done on my hips as well, I didn’t think to ask at the time.) That whole process took some time. (I don’t think everything was complete in that time, but I think that perhaps some extra attention and focus is required to get things started, and then the process can continue in the background.) While that was going on, I asked the subconscious to tell me what it was doing (“filling them with white light”) and looked around for other issues.

The other thing that came up was a tiny infection at the root of one of my teeth. I’d had a root canal thirty years ago, and a repeat, on the same tooth, twenty years later, but they’d only been able to find one of the three roots. And now, the dentist always points out a small dark spot, at the tip of one of the roots, when he show me x-rays. He thinks that is an infection. But, it’s at a place that is very hard to get to, so, as long as it doesn’t give any trouble, he wants to leave it alone. So now it came up and I proposed it be healed. In fact, I thought, why not deal with all the problems in my gums, teeth and jaws while your at it?

So, off it went. I quickly felt heat, fleeting pains and other feelings in my upper and lower jaws. I can’t remember exactly where the infected root is, so I didn’t know were to expect stuff to happen. What did happen was that things got intense around my upper left jaw, then spread upward towards my left eye and over to my nose and sinuses. That’s when a lightbulb went on about some sinus issues I’d been wondering about. This process continued for a good fifteen minutes before I had to get up and get on with my day. I put in the suggestion that the work would continue, in the background, as long as needed, and got up.

Today, I still notice some warmth and other feelings in my jaw and surrounding areas, so it looks like the work is continuing. I wonder if the dentist is in for a surprise the next time I get x-rays?

"Things I don’t want to remember" in review

This is a follow-up to my post “Things I don’t want to remember.”

I’ve realized that I shouldn’t take that whole story as a literal past-life, but as a wakeup call, a gentle reminder to get off my high horse. I feel that, while the actual events may or may not have happened, the emotions and the motivations were very intense, immediate and powerful. So intense that it’s hard to imagine that I haven’t been is some situation like that, somewhere, sometime, and succumbed to the temptation.

When I look at the world today I see religious sects at war with each other, countries invading each other, Christian extremists preaching hate for pretty much everybody, unarmed black men being gunned down by whites with no apparent consequences, institutionalized greed run amok and political parties who can’t agree on anything, even among themselves. I see a world that has decided that the solution to every problem is rampant slaughter of anyone you don’t like, or gets in your way, or you might not like, or who could get in your way. How could I possibly not slide into despair and cynicism?

There lies the danger. Being holier that thou, better than that. How could those people possibility be so cruel and heartless? Why can’t everyone just get along, like me? Oops. There it is. I’m so much better than them. I wouldn’t get pulled into that cycle of hate, fear and violence. Yah, sure, maybe. Watch out, set yourself on a pedestal and it only takes one misstep for you to fall off.

So, the message is to have compassion. In deed, I am no different than the worst of them, so don’t assign myself any moral superiority. The footing on that moral high ground can be extremely precarious. Can I decry their actions without denouncing their being, while I attempt to understand the forces that put them where they are. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions, and violence for violence and killing for killing solves nothing.

The Dalai Lama meets the genocide of his people and destruction of his culture with love and compassion, while working for peace and reconciliation. People are and will continue to be. We must allow them dignity and self respect, if we are going to heal the planet. To heal the planet, we must heal fear.

Everyone is afraid. Average Joe is afraid of losing his job. The CEO is afraid of the next quarterly report. The 1% are afraid of the stock market. Christians are afraid of God, Muslims are afraid of Jews, Jews are afraid of pretty much everybody. Everyone is afraid of change and the possibility of losing what they have. It all boils down to “stuff.”

Perhaps the Dalai Lama takes the long view. When you’ve lived fourteen lifetimes, all the “stuff” we fight about, money, resources, land, power, faith, “honor,” don’t mean a whole lot. Nothing, really. Spirit is the only thing that survives. As monuments crumple, empires disintegrate, wealth disperses, deeds are forgotten and faiths fade, all that remains is spirit. The only constructions that can survive are those built of love and community. Spiritual growth bridges the gaps between generations, and is the only thing that will, ultimately, heal the planet and ourselves.

I am not above the system. I am not better than the system. I am within the system. I am the system. We must use the tools of the system, flawed as they are, to heal the system. Our flaws make it possible to understand and relate to the difficulties we face. We must use them without being used by them.

Thank you for listening.

Love and Healing

Dusty, the cat, is a little hoarse. My daughter pointed out to me the other night that cries sounded weak and scratchy, that you could hear congestion when she breathed, and seemed sluggish and bleary-eyed. The next day Dusty stayed inside the whole day, not usual for her at all, and slept.

In the late afternoon I was writing and she was sleeping on a chair near me, doing the curl-into-a-ball thing. She seemed peaceful enough. But I noticed, after a while, that about every five to ten minutes she would get up and lay back down on the opposite side, as though she couldn’t get comfortable. So, once I finished writing, I carefully scooped her up and carried her to the family room where my wife was watching something. There I settled her on my lap and did my healing thing. She protested, weakly, when I picked her up, but otherwise seemed content. I did my “laying on of hands” thing for about 20 minutes when she suddenly perked up, hopped down to go eat, and shortly thereafter went outside. Noticeably perkier.

The next day, I was writing in the living room when Dusty decided to move in on my lap. She seemed better, but still somewhat sluggish. As she was doing her walk-back-and-forth-across-my-lap-sticking-her-tail-in-my-face thing, I was running my hands over her, as I usually do, and noticed two distinct hot spots, one right behind the right shoulder and the other at the right hip. I put my hands on those places and did the energy thing. She immediately stopped moving, then, after a short time, squatted down and held that position for several minutes while I kept my hands in place. When she’d apparently had enough, she unceremoniously got up, walked to another part of the couch and squatted down, purring loudly.

After that she seems much better. Still hoarse, but otherwise acting like her normal self. I like to think I had something to do with that.