A Path You Can't See, Toward a Destination You Can't Understand

At today's MPCS (Mission Peak Chamber Singers) board meeting, the subject of solos briefly came up, and that certain parties felt they weren't getting enough. I reflected that I had almost asked the director to not give me any solos this year. It's just as well, since our director considers singing in a small group a "solo," I don't need to worry about being out there all by myself.

That's especially funny when I look at how much it mattered to me years ago. How much I wanted to be the one that sang that great part, the one out in front and getting the recognition. I never really thought about the pressure and responsibility that comes with it: If the soloist messes up or just isn't top notch, it pulls down the entire performance. I've never done any significant true solos or leads, (I do community theater as well) and probably for good reason. I'm ok with that. That's absolutely not how it used to be, but there you are.

The first time that this clicked for me was last year. I was watching a performance of "The Mikado" by Gilbert and Sullivan, and I noticed that one lead just didn't have the acting chops to be on par with the rest of the cast. And that's when I got it: I don't want to be that guy. I have seen way too many musical performances over the years where there was someone who just wasn't pulling their weight, and I am willing to bet real money that they didn't have a clue. I so don't want to be them.

That makes me address the question of what is the reason that I do what I do. I now acknowledge how often I did stuff solely because I wanted someone to say "That's cool" and I can then say "It's nothing." It never mattered what it was, if it got me recognition, it was good. But the recognition was never worth much, disappeared quickly, and, as the years went by, was harder and harder to get, sending me into depression. Who knows where that would have led if I hadn't stumbled onto a different path.

If you want to be out in front and be the center of attention, that's fine, but it requires a lot of extra time and work, whether it's music, theater, business or politics, and you are taking a lot more responsibility for the final outcome. When I wanted the glory, I never really thought about the responsibility or whether I was truly up to the task of making a better product. I just wanted to be out in front.

I never really liked or related to those people who say "Once I was like such and such, but now I'm so much better." I can't honestly say if I'm any "better" than I was, but I do feel more willing to step back and let someone else take the lead. I'd much rather have the best performance or product, regardless of my part in it. My job is to do what I do well, and let others do what they do well. If that means that I step to the back, so be it.

Many spiritual disciplines seem to imply that the ego is the enemy, that you must get rid of it to be "enlightened," and, obviously, what I have been talking about here is ego. While it may seem that I'm talking about how I conquered my ego, that's not how it appears to me. To me, it shows up as a shift in fundamental values that allow me to let go of approval from others as my measure of self worth. How that happened, I really don't know. The shift happened slowly, over a long period of time, and was totally unplanned. I'm sure that if you told me years ago where I would end up, I simply could not have understood or accepted you were talking about.

So, for me, right now, I will sum up any spiritual growth like this: A journey along a path you can't see, toward a destination you can't understand, with occasional glimpses back to see how far you've come. Welcome to my world