Why No More Clients?

I have mentioned before my growing frustration with getting my practice moving. Clients just aren't showing up, is how it appears to me. It seems strange, I have more than enough people who say they want to come, they just can't find the time, or something. I've had people make appointments and then cancel without explanation. What happens most often is that we start a conversation and then they just stop responding. No explanation. It's almost like there's an invisible wall around me that people run into when they get too close.

So my first reaction is for all my fears and insecurities to kick in, and the next is that I need to "do" something about it: Get out there, get myself known, advertise more, push more to convince people to come in, bug them more to find out why, to market myself and my services "better." That's the way we're all taught handle difficulties, right? But, on the other hand, maybe I need to stop and think for a minute.

Here's the real question: Am I ready for people to come to me? Have I made a space for them to be? Am I creating, and projecting, a welcoming and healing environment that people want to inhabit and enjoy? Well, a little self examination says "no." Ouch!

This is where the my belief work rubber meets the road: What's going on here? Time to take a look, and it doesn't take much digging to find out what's what. Here's a sample of what I found:

"I'm not ready."
"I'm afraid it won't work."
"They won't trust me. They shouldn't trust me."
"I can't make this work."

...and so on. I have a whole ecosystem around fear of incompetence, and holding myself up to public scrutiny. "Public scrutiny" is a nice way of putting it. A more accurate description would be that I have a visceral, gut feeling that if I stand up in public and take a stand, then "they" will come and rip my guts out. That's what happens when you drop your defenses. I'm not super surprised about this, I'm been nibbling around the edges of it for quite some time, but this is the first time that I've really laid it on the line and said, in a very public way: This is what I am and what I think and believe. I'm confronting my demons in a big way, and now their fighting back.

Another thing I've had to acknowledge is that I haven't finished preparing my space. I have been preparing a room for sessions, but I've allowed that to stall. I keep thinking about the things I need to do, but I keep putting them off for various reasons. So, in a very real sense, I haven't been creating the physical space I want. Another thing to note and to get moving on. I need to both tackle both getting the tasks done and looking into why I haven't been doing them. But there is no need to wait until I eliminate all my blocks before getting to work, that would be just another excuse.

Now it's also time to seriously evaluate is creating "space" for clients. This is different than a physical location. I wish I had a good word for what I mean, but space in this sense is an opening, a clearing, an attractive environment that wants something to fill it. You know how it is, an empty desk attracts clutter, and empty tables and shelves never stay that way for long. It's a law of nature that a void will be filled, and once a space that is filled will not attract more stuff. This is the same in the world of relationships. A person who is a clearing for friendship will naturally attract friends in the same way that a pleasant clearing in a forest will attract passers by to stop and enjoy the space. People who don't make space for others, tend to be by themselves most of the time.

I need to examine how well I'm being a clearing for healing and curiosity. Am I really a non-judgmental, trustworthy place where people can find help, comfort and encouragement? A place of exploration and discovery? Not so much, I expect. Yes, I am convinced that I have come a long way in that direction. But I still have a ways to go, if I'm going to have success on the path I've chosen. And here again there is no excuse for just sitting back and waiting until I'm "all enlightened" to get things done. I must keep in action. I must do the best I can with what I have and am now. I'm required by my commitments to keep the momentum going despite my misgivings, uncertainties and fears.