Do I Believe It?

I have been thinking about what I have written. I've noticed that no one is reading it. Yeah, that's a little sad, but I'm not all that surprised. I've wanted to write about things that would be interesting but it seems I spend a lot of time in anger, of one kind or another. I apologize for that. In the future I will focus on being thankful for what I have and discover. No more whining.

I came across this video interview with Hazel Courteney and it restarted an internal debate. Hazel Courteney tells an interesting story about an amazing psychic awaking. My problem is that I have a difficult time accepting what she says as accurate. I hesitate to say "believe" because that, somehow implies something that I'm uncomfortable with, but I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps I'm afraid of being taken in by a fake or nut, and looking looking like a fool to the world a large.

On a basic level, I am very jealous of anyone who has these kind of experiences. I want that too. It would seem reasonable to assume that anyone who wants something must believe that it exists. Well, that's not always one hundred percent true, for I'm not at all sure what I believe. No matter what happens to me, on some level I'm still waiting for proof. Something spectacular enough that I can't possibly deny. Something obvious enough that no one can deny it. Or maybe what I really want is some kind of psychic power on-demand that I can use to put any disbelievers in their place. Wouldn't anyone like that?

That's my fantasy. I don't really expect it to happen. But here's the thing: Do I not expect it because it's impossible, or because I know it would be a really bad idea? I really want it to be possible. But I know that it would be a bad idea because I know myself and I don't like to think about what I might do if I had any real power. I'm not a bad person, I have just seen what I'm capable of when I get a little too arrogant, a little too full of my self, a little too sure I have the right answer. I don't want to go there. Fantasy is fun, but facing it in reality gives me pause.

One thing that has always puzzled me is why are we scared of ghosts? I am sure there are a boatload of scholarship on the subject, but I'm not interested in the abstract. There are times on the past when I felt something, otherworldly, and my pulse went up, and I thought "why?" Though that was a long time ago, and the last time I felt a presence in a historical house I just thought that it was kinda cool, and continued on with the tour. It wasn't until later I thought that I should have spent a little more time there. Go figure.

A lot of unusual things happen to me. Most of them just odd, and seem of no real use, and all of them unprovable to anyone else. Maybe that's just my lot this time around. On the other hand, I have evidence that I am facing massive blocks of different kinds. Some of which deal with forgiving those who have persecuted me in various ways. Even though it's hard, and I don't really want to. should I do it for the promise of kind of reward? A bargain with the Universe: I do what you want, you give me what I want?

In a way it's like begin sick. You can do what will make you better or you can continue being sick. Your choice. Hum, now I just need to get how to give up my and anger and hurt about these subjects. You know, sometimes this spiritual growth stuff is just no fun at all.