To Be Understood

Yesterday I found myself using my new-found powers and awareness to embarrass a relative in front of other people. I fooled myself, not allowing myself to see what my real motives were until the deed was done. I can take a small comfort in knowing that he has no clue what happened, or that he made a fool of himself, but I know. And I am ashamed. I am quite sure he believes he won and proved me wrong, but I am sad.

Abuse of power could very well be the biggest stumbling blocks on a spiritual journey, at least it is for me. As my awareness and knowledge grows, I find it easier and easier to see thorough the games people play and manipulate them to my own ends. I tell myself that I am educating them, to "wake them up and see the truth." When in reality, I'm just getting even with the closed-minded bastards that I see as the root cause of all the world's misery. If nothing else, to teach-em a lesson!

Ha! It doesn't work does it? "There are none so blind as those who will not see." Don't remember who said that, but it's as true today as ever. Allowing myself to get caught up in these games leads absolutely nowhere. Confrontation is not an answer. Being is part of the answer, as is watching my ethics and telling the truth. I have a job to do: to teach, and to somehow bring some light to those wretches locked in a materialist world behind a wall of fear.

I have no idea of how I am going to do that. So, for now, I will work with anyone who asks or accepts my offer of assistance. But for the rest, though I know from experience that logic, facts and reasoned discourse get nowhere, the temptation is always there to try some kind of coercion, and be really, really clever to somehow trick them into admitting the truth. I will find another way, an ethical way. Until then I am going to have to accept and, perhaps relish, sly digs, and overt ignorant remarks from some quarters, as confirmation that my message is being heard, and someday I will discover the way to make my message understood as well.