I've been thinking about my post yesterday. I was trying to say something and I just couldn't find the right words. In fact, I'm not really sure I'm clear on what I wanted to say. Hum, I guess there's a reason that philosophers have been arguing for centuries, some subjects are just plain hard. Well, this blog is a work in progress, as am I. You will see false starts and blind alleys and a certain amount of confusion. Surprise, that's me. If you want polish, look elsewhere. Here the record may be a mess, but it will all be honest and a open as I can be.
Thinking back on the conversation I had with that relative I mentioned yesterday, it's clear that it turned out as it was supposed to. It did achieve the goal of putting who I am, and where I stand, out there in front of my most skeptical audience. All in all, I handled it well enough, better than I would have expected, knowing me as I do.
The subject, by the way, was taboos in science. My respected opposition's viewpoint is that there ain't no such thing. Yup. And there ain't no racial discrimination in the South. Blacks just choose to live in ghettos and work in menial jobs. There's no taboo, or any social pressure of any kind against them living in the upscale, all white neighborhoods, the simply choose not to. That was one of the views expressed, that there is no taboo against psychic research, and no social or academic pressure to ignore the subject or report only negative results, it's simply a matter every researcher making their own free choice to go along with the program. Yes, sir, you betcha!
Anyone who as been bullied or picked on, knows what that feels like. Most people who went through high school know what it feels like to not fit in, to have to spend every day with a bunch of people that make it clear that you're not "in." Even those the "in" crowd know the fear of being "out," and the sinking feeling when you discover that something you said or did has everyone laughing or jeering at you, or you think they are. I know that feeling very well, having been actively bullied, picked on and teased through middle and high school, and that is exactly the feeling you risk getting shoved in your face the moment you come out about any kind of belief or even acceptance of anything that even smells of being related to the paranormal.
(I know that ghosts and ghost hunting is almost mainstream today, which seems to contradict what I just said. But I think that's because ghosts are allowed because their evidence is never good enough or of a type that can never seriously threaten the scientific or religious communities. It's just so easy to dismiss everything the ghost hunters have to say. It's just a little fun for the gullible. Just as long as they don't get too uppity about the reality of all the stuff...)
After that conversation, I did my daily meditation and, Wow! I hit a huge load of fear and dread that I had to work through. That "Oh my God! What have I done?!" feeling is still there. It's been reduced, but it's still there. Where it comes from is a damm good question, but there is no denying its power and it's universal residence in the human psyche. I speculate that this is what makes human populations so easy to control, all you have to do is tell people enough times that the cause of that fear is X, and you can save them from X, and, boom! You've got an army of followers. Making people afraid is really easy because the fear resides in every one of us, all someone has to do is push the right button and out it comes.
The conclusion I draw from this is that the journey to "inner peace," "enlightenment," "nirvana," whatever you want to call it, is a journey through fear. The fear of "I don't know," of "I can't do this," "What will they think of me," "Wait a minute, this stuff is getting to arrry-fairy for me," "What's my church going to think," "I may have to leave my church community unless I deny this," "I'm going to have to leave my meditation group because their approach just isn't working for me," "Can I do this alone?" "None of my family understands what I'm going through," "Can I be friends with those spiritual people?" Perhaps there are some cultures where spiritual advancement is accepted, but here in the west it's only accepted within the bounds of an established church, and even then there are strict, unspoken limits that you must stay within.
Here I am, at the end of my post. It's now clear to me that I've chosen a path that puts me squarely in the crosshairs of all the major social institutions of my culture, sacred and secular. Why would I do that? I appears to me that I have no rational choice. On the one hand, I have a life that is socially acceptable, boring, soul deadening, and would accomplish nothing of any importance. (I don't consider coming out with, say, the next, block-busting replacement for the iPhone, to be of any lasting significance.) On the other hand, I have a path that is socially questionable, nowhere near a lucrative, entails personal sacrifice and struggle, leaves me open to vicious criticism for all sides, has no guarantee of success, but does have the promise of significantly changing peoples' lives and, perhaps, moving the needle a bit on state of world suffering. My choice is clear, and it's struggle over social security, spiritual exploration over ideological smugness. I'd like to make out that it's all very noble, but, as I said, I really don't see that I have any choice in the matter.
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